Anniversary Post

I can’t believe it’s been a year already and I am still writing here. Since then lots of things have changed. I am still living at the same place, but the home is much different. Lost a wife, stopped having a youtube channel, stopped streaming on twitch, watched a great podcast go to the wayside. I love myself and have fixed so many issues in my life.

I don’t miss my ex anymore. I realized that I was settling for less than I deserve. I still think about her and worry about her, but its a fleeting thought. All she is to me now are memories and lessons learned.

I stopped having a youtube and twitch channel. I just don’t have the time or energy for it. I do miss it from time to time. My focus now is on the wonderful person in my life and sharing in the experiences we have. I still love video games, but I no longer feel compelled to stream them. I do however miss my online friends and sharing time with them in that way.

Being tired is now a normal thing. I am always tired, but I am happy. I get a lot of sleep when I am not staying up all night talking or having fun time with my girlfriend. I still need to work on my career goals and get my certifications, but I no longer have to change jobs. I am accepted up here, well, at least in my own department. I am the first transgender woman to come out at my place of work and its not been a big deal. I do wish that others in this place were more accepting. Other departments are not as nice, but I remember to stand my ground and remember they can’t make me less of a woman by their words.

It is dangerous to live here. Sometimes I forget that because I can pass as female most of the time. That’s not a luxury that my other trans friends have. A friend recently was on tv and talked about the bathroom bills and what not. The hateful comments from the idiots who live here makes me feel unsafe. My girlfriend worries for me, but unlike before, is willing to protect me and help other trans people. She has a huge heart.

Hard to believe a year has passed already. The journey has been easier in spots and hard in others. I am happy that I have the support of most of my friends and family. And I have made new friends along the way. It has been amazing so far. I am no longer depressed, anxiety doesn’t control me. I look in the mirror and see Sara, not that other person from before. I no longer have to live a lie. I am me, no one can change that.

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Reflection

As I was cleaning up my desk today, I found something I had wrote on several months ago: 

I feel alone, I feel I am an irritation to others, I want to cry, I don’t want to work on anything, My throat hurts, my head hurts, I want to go home, lock the door and hide from the world.  

A few months ago I was not okay.  I was hurt, felt abandoned, felt like I had no place to turn to and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.  Those feelings seem distant and fleeting.  I still get depressed from time to time, but no where near what it use to be.  I have an abundance of love around me from friends, family and extended family.

Love lost meaning to me for a long time.  Before my first marriage, I had dated and gone out with several girls, but nothing that lasted.  I wanted to find that kind of love from someone.  The kind that is unconditional, the kind you get from someone special.  I thought I had found that.  For the first few years of the relationship I though I understood what love was.  Eventually that faded and the I love you’s became habit and lost all meaning.  Despite that I was still willing to try.  To try and make things better, to deepen the feelings and make them meaningful.  I am not perfect, but I sacrificed a big part of myself to try and make that work.

I realized that its hard to love someone when you do not love yourself.  I started trying to change that.  I started trying to accept who I really am.  Apparently this was too much for the person I was with.  She did not love me despite my flaws.  I was “too much” or “she could not handle someone like me”.  It made me realize that the love she said she had for me was not really there.  I was destroyed for a long time.  Lost and didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to just be alone and suffer.

Luckily I could not let things stay that way.  I went out, tried to meet people at social groups.  Sure it was a BDSM group, but I had to explore the other parts of me that I had hidden away to please someone else.  I started talking to some people.  One person saw I needed help and decided to do something.  So far she has helped me to redefine what love is.  This may or may not have been her intention, but that was the result.  Her family and friends, her unconditional love and affection have helped me realize that I haven’t really known love for a long time.  It’s helped me in my other relationships and helped in building others.  Talking to other people seems easier now with a bit of the self love I’ve gained.

I still have self doubt and some depression.  I know I am not out of the woods yet.  But instead of stumbling in the dark, I have tools to see through and a person to help guide me on to brighter pastures.

Sympathy for those less fortunate

I find it strange but feel blessed that ever since I came out, I have not had to deal with the awful things most other Transgender people have to.  My family, as far as I know, has been supportive (the ones that have spoken to me at least).  My friends have been very supportive and not done the things “bad trans allies” do.  Sure there has been the occasional wrong pronoun here and there or misunderstanding of transgender issues.  But for the most part, I don’t deal with those issues often.  I often wonder why.

What did I do to avoid the judgement, ridicule, hatred, etc.  Why do I feel that I’ve dodged a huge bullet.  I feel free to be who I am for once in my life.  I regret not doing this sooner, but life is not a race.  The only thing I really lost was a companion that stopped caring a long time ago and it was honestly over way before I wanted to truly transition.

I am blessed to have people in my life who love me for who I am, no matter what that is.  I expected the worst.  I can blame that on the very real fear that others have to face.  I am scared to go elsewhere as I am because of the underling fear that I will run into the people who don’t ignore me and don’t like who I am.  No all transgender people have it remotely as easy as I have had it.  I already have a good paying job that I didn’t have to fight for.  Where they accept my female self without much issue.  I am the first transgender person on the payroll.  As far as I know, I am the only one in my family that has came out as a transgender person.  If there are others I’m related to that are, I don’t know about it.

Why was it so easy for me?  I can’t help but feel sorry for my transgender brothers and sisters who have not had it quite so easy.  I expected to fight a war to be who I am, but so far it’s not been as bad as others have had to experience.  I hope that those who do have it hard know that they are not alone.  That the fight is worth it and to not give up despite the odds.

Not going anywhere

When I think back on the past 6 months, I think wow…I went through a lot of shit in a short time.  I survived.  I get aftershocks of all the things that have happened and some things I will not mention here.  I am still affected by them.  But I continue to be here and breathe.  I have accepted that I am a person who some people will not accept, and that is ok.  I don’t need to change who I am or be someone I am not to please others.  I just need to be genuine to myself and just be.

It’s an odd feeling to have confidence.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not oozing with self empowerment.  But I have confidence where none existed before.  Even the little I have gained is a strange feeling.  I love this feeling, I can feel it in the way I carry myself.  I can really tell when I am not feeling very confident instead of it all being a blur.  I know who I am.  I know what I like and what I hate.  I am not ashamed of it.  Although, I do hide some of it because others might not be able to handle it or may get offended.  If they find out so be it.  I am not going to hide it.  Hell if someone asks I will tell them.  But I am not just going to give that.  People get uncomfortable with things they do not understand.  I am not here for others comfort.  I love my friends and family, but I can’t change who I am.  All I can do is just not bring it up unless it’s important.

I have went through and continue to go through lots of trials.  I am happy I survived and continue to keep on going forward.  I am still dumbfounded by the difference from being one thing most of my life, and now not hiding anymore.

Colors

My attitude used to be screw everything, everything sucks, nothing is worth putting effort into, etc.   My attitude used to reflect my apathy. The world used to be a very dark place for me. Always expecting something bad to happen and then saying “yep I knew  things would go to shit”.  For most of my life I have never been a positive person. My attitude was reflected through the music I listen to, the clothes I wore, how I carry myself, and how I treated the things that were mine.   I felt like shit I looked like shit.  The music although I still enjoy it to this day,  was never positive.  If you look at all my t-shirts now,  they are all still black.  There was no color in my life. Not just talking about clothes. They’re often was not happiness in my life. I might have been laughing but I wasn’t happy. I drank,  smoked, put myself at risk of injury, and put myself through mental hell.  I never considered that I could make my life much different, much happier.

What is being happy?  Is it comfort to be the person you are.  Takes a lot of confidence to be yourself in a world where you’re constantly told to be something else.   Not just told nearly forced into being something you may not be.  From someone who had very little confidence and hated everything, it’s a hard pill to swallow.  Being who you are shouldn’t be that way.  It’s taken me a long time to realize who I am.  I’m still discovering it everyday.  I’m finding out that not everything sucks. Good things can come from putting effort into something. New experiences can lead to so much self-discovery. Yeah I won’t like everything, but I’m no longer holding myself back.

There’s color in my life. Flavor to the things I do and see. I’m getting more colorful clothes, listening to more diverse music and liking it, I’m learning to carry myself with more confidence, I don’t treat my stuff or myself like they’re worthless.  It took a lot of life changes to make me stop being so negative. Often times it’s hard to not be that way. But there are so many reminders everywhere that I’m paying attention to finally. I am beautiful, I am confident, I am worthy. Color offers variety to life. Not just clothes, but also music, experiencing new things you’ve never done before.   Not every day is good but every time I write here, I feel that things are getting better.  More often than not I’m happy. I have most of everything I need. The things that I don’t have I’m working on. There is now color to my inner flame.

I started a GoFundMe

I started one to help with my transition costs.  Its not cheap to transition, its a tough road that I would not do if it was not needed.  I appreciate the people who have offered the emotional support.  Right now I need a little financial help if people can spare it.  Doesn’t have to be much, every little bit helps.  Thanks in advance and I wish you all the best.

Link: https://www.gofundme.com/2msbztg