I can’t believe it’s been a year already and I am still writing here. Since then lots of things have changed. I am still living at the same place, but the home is much different. Lost a wife, stopped having a youtube channel, stopped streaming on twitch, watched a great podcast go to the wayside. I love myself and have fixed so many issues in my life.
I don’t miss my ex anymore. I realized that I was settling for less than I deserve. I still think about her and worry about her, but its a fleeting thought. All she is to me now are memories and lessons learned.
I stopped having a youtube and twitch channel. I just don’t have the time or energy for it. I do miss it from time to time. My focus now is on the wonderful person in my life and sharing in the experiences we have. I still love video games, but I no longer feel compelled to stream them. I do however miss my online friends and sharing time with them in that way.
Being tired is now a normal thing. I am always tired, but I am happy. I get a lot of sleep when I am not staying up all night talking or having fun time with my girlfriend. I still need to work on my career goals and get my certifications, but I no longer have to change jobs. I am accepted up here, well, at least in my own department. I am the first transgender woman to come out at my place of work and its not been a big deal. I do wish that others in this place were more accepting. Other departments are not as nice, but I remember to stand my ground and remember they can’t make me less of a woman by their words.
It is dangerous to live here. Sometimes I forget that because I can pass as female most of the time. That’s not a luxury that my other trans friends have. A friend recently was on tv and talked about the bathroom bills and what not. The hateful comments from the idiots who live here makes me feel unsafe. My girlfriend worries for me, but unlike before, is willing to protect me and help other trans people. She has a huge heart.
Hard to believe a year has passed already. The journey has been easier in spots and hard in others. I am happy that I have the support of most of my friends and family. And I have made new friends along the way. It has been amazing so far. I am no longer depressed, anxiety doesn’t control me. I look in the mirror and see Sara, not that other person from before. I no longer have to live a lie. I am me, no one can change that.
I find it strange but feel blessed that ever since I came out, I have not had to deal with the awful things most other Transgender people have to. My family, as far as I know, has been supportive (the ones that have spoken to me at least). My friends have been very supportive and not done the things “bad trans allies” do. Sure there has been the occasional wrong pronoun here and there or misunderstanding of transgender issues. But for the most part, I don’t deal with those issues often. I often wonder why.
What did I do to avoid the judgement, ridicule, hatred, etc. Why do I feel that I’ve dodged a huge bullet. I feel free to be who I am for once in my life. I regret not doing this sooner, but life is not a race. The only thing I really lost was a companion that stopped caring a long time ago and it was honestly over way before I wanted to truly transition.
I am blessed to have people in my life who love me for who I am, no matter what that is. I expected the worst. I can blame that on the very real fear that others have to face. I am scared to go elsewhere as I am because of the underling fear that I will run into the people who don’t ignore me and don’t like who I am. No all transgender people have it remotely as easy as I have had it. I already have a good paying job that I didn’t have to fight for. Where they accept my female self without much issue. I am the first transgender person on the payroll. As far as I know, I am the only one in my family that has came out as a transgender person. If there are others I’m related to that are, I don’t know about it.
Why was it so easy for me? I can’t help but feel sorry for my transgender brothers and sisters who have not had it quite so easy. I expected to fight a war to be who I am, but so far it’s not been as bad as others have had to experience. I hope that those who do have it hard know that they are not alone. That the fight is worth it and to not give up despite the odds.
When I think back on the past 6 months, I think wow…I went through a lot of shit in a short time. I survived. I get aftershocks of all the things that have happened and some things I will not mention here. I am still affected by them. But I continue to be here and breathe. I have accepted that I am a person who some people will not accept, and that is ok. I don’t need to change who I am or be someone I am not to please others. I just need to be genuine to myself and just be.
It’s an odd feeling to have confidence. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not oozing with self empowerment. But I have confidence where none existed before. Even the little I have gained is a strange feeling. I love this feeling, I can feel it in the way I carry myself. I can really tell when I am not feeling very confident instead of it all being a blur. I know who I am. I know what I like and what I hate. I am not ashamed of it. Although, I do hide some of it because others might not be able to handle it or may get offended. If they find out so be it. I am not going to hide it. Hell if someone asks I will tell them. But I am not just going to give that. People get uncomfortable with things they do not understand. I am not here for others comfort. I love my friends and family, but I can’t change who I am. All I can do is just not bring it up unless it’s important.
I have went through and continue to go through lots of trials. I am happy I survived and continue to keep on going forward. I am still dumbfounded by the difference from being one thing most of my life, and now not hiding anymore.
I started one to help with my transition costs. Its not cheap to transition, its a tough road that I would not do if it was not needed. I appreciate the people who have offered the emotional support. Right now I need a little financial help if people can spare it. Doesn’t have to be much, every little bit helps. Thanks in advance and I wish you all the best.
I have a lot of things I never got to say. You left before I had a chance to say them. I was not brave enough to say them at the time. I have ignored or pushed away how I’ve felt about you for years. It’s time I stop that today.
I was sad that you left, but more worried about Dad. I suppressed my grief. I did for him because he just lost the one he loved. I don’t know exactly how that feels to lose someone in that way. I can imagine it, in some ways I can feel it. It’s a heavy weight that I wanted to help him with. Eventually the weight lifted where he could deal on his own so that I could get back to trying to deal with my own emotional weight. I still suppressed my grief. I didn’t want to feel it. A year of standing still, imagining I was happy. Constantly reminded of what is wrong. Just trying to get by and build on other things. Play games until all hours of the night to forget about the pain. Any issue within the groups of friends I had, any issues with my wife, made the thoughts come back. I finally decided to be happy.
I decided to start living as I truly am Mom. I started going to a therapist to take care of it. She diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. Mom, I’m not your son, I never was. I was the girl you wanted. I am your daughter. I don’t even know if you understand this or not or why the sudden change. You being gone was a reminder that I need to find happiness. I expected you to be mad or frustrated at me if you were to ever find out these feelings I had about myself. The things you would say, the attitude about me not being masculine enough, that hurt. It made me angry at you for not understanding. I felt I could never tell you that inside I am female.
But, I forgive you.
You only went on what you knew. Me not being the man your raised may have made you feel like you are a failure and it didn’t feel good. Mom, you raised a perfectly good person. Gender has nothing to do with it or feel guilty about. You should be proud of the daughter who is becoming the woman she should have been. I have made lots of major changes and survived some really harsh emotional stuff. I am about to be divorced, I am accepting my true gender, I am changing my spirituality, I am deepening the healthy friendships I have into very loving relationships.
I have never been able to say that I love myself. To think it would be embarrassing at best. That is no longer true. Every morning I see a pretty face in the mirror. It’s not a perfect face, but one that has lived through the scars of the past. One who knows who she is and is not afraid to say so. One who is growing more confident everyday. But one that also misses you a lot.
I miss you mom. I love you. I wish I could have told you about all of this. I wish we could live through this transition of my life together. To see the person I am and make you proud. But I will be okay mom. You raised a good person, a very loving person. I will remember you always.
To get better sometimes means feeling the worst of what ails you.
I have been so grateful for meeting a group of friends that have been there through all my emotional issues. It helps when you have a group with a common interest that can come together. Not only being accepted, but also looking past the problems and just talking about the thing that we came together for. Being accepted as part of the group can help when you feel like you are alone. Especially when your exploring a new part of who you are.
Even with the good, there are the times when I come back home and remember. Memories tied to things, some material, some digital. In this case, it was all the digital memories. Lots of things that were created together. Pictures, videos, projects, vacations, graphics. Every part of it a memory of something I no longer have. It hurt, a lot.
I cried for a while, it was ugly. I both needed to happen and did not need to. The emotions need to be let out, but I can’t keep feeling this way when I am alone. Lately I have been feeling dysphoric at work. Sometimes causing major anxiety. I am tired of coming here, wearing this uniform of a person I am not. A mixture of these two feelings hit me yesterday while I was still at work. I had to close my office door because I could not control the tears. I am lucky to have the friends I do, that are willing to listen to me when I am in this much distress. I can’t thank them enough.
The hurt I felt brought back the issues I’m facing. I am not over it by a long shot. The days that are good are increasing in amount, but there are still days that are some of the most hurtful they have ever been. I know it won’t be fixed overnight. I am thankful for all the support I have had so far. I hope that those around me are patient enough to listen when I am having one of those days. I personally am always there for them, but even if someone says otherwise, I still feel I am a burden. So much pressure in the world to “feel positive” or “enjoy life”. You know though, sometimes I am not okay. Sometimes I am not feeling good. And that is okay for me to feel that way. I need to so I can heal.
Do not take this as something to worry about. This is more for creative purposes and may end up in something I make. Its a combination of feelings I’m still working through. Know that I am okay or will be. I have had lots of support and love from good friends and family.
Anguish is a constant companion
Not much solace in sleep
My happiness left when they did.
My foundation has crumbled.
My sanctuary destroyed
My soul withering
What disguise will I wear today?
Is there a difference between myself and the facade.
A perpetual aberration
Masking the anguish
A facade for others sake
Refusing the display of my soul