Sometimes I want to die.

Even this title is triggering, so this is your only warning.  Suicidal thoughts are not uncommon amongst trans people.  But that’s not because of mental deficiencies.  It’s mostly because of how society treats us, how the media portrays us, and peoples opinions of us.  When I started my transition, things seemed to be going ok, people were surprisingly supportive.  It seemed like the ones I told were happy for me with the exception of a select few.  I was scared, but hopeful.  Determined yet skeptical.  Things were looking up.  But as well as it was going, things quickly changed.

After one conversation with my exes father, step mother and sister (who was formerly supportive of me), my exes attitude completely changed.  She was no longer supportive, even seeming to be somewhat resentful in every conversation after she got back.  She even seemed disgusted by me.  Someone who said they would be supportive and promised such to my family suddenly no longer there.  As painful as this was, at the time, I still had my friends supporting me.  Encouraging me to not give up, telling me to discover myself, be my true self, live as I really am.  I took that advice to heart.

I met someone who saw in me something she wanted to protect and lift up.  It helped so so much.  I started to open up for the first time in my life.  She showed me that it is ok to show vulnerability.  I started to discover who I truly was and be proud of that, to not be ashamed of who and what I am.  At first my friends were showing support.  But as the announcement of my “transness” faded, so did a lot of their support.  Not everyone has been lost.  And I know, it is true that only true friends will stick around.  But the loss is still felt and still significant.  It still hurts.  Especially when you at first hear them cheer you on, then they become silent.  When confronting some of them, they say things that make you think you are disgusting them, that you being yourself is bothersome to them.

Cutting more ties every day.  Everyday that I show who I am, post about something I believe in, show that vulnerability, someone decides that its enough and spits in my face.   Trans people are killed everyday due to the things people dislike or feel disgusted about with me.  About the things they argue with me about when I don’t even bring up the argument in the first place.  It can be as simple as a post I share.

During this “transition” from a positive experience to all this negativity, I have had tons of self doubt, depression, dysphoria about my body.  In the beginning it was manageable with therapy.  Now it seems every time I put myself out there, someone wants to shove me and my opinions back in the closet.  As if the message I get is that I don’t get to exist.  That my opinions are invalid and stupid for thinking that society can and should change.  Every day that I challenge someone’s perceptions, someone has to be so close minded and bitch about something I never even argued with them about.  Are the majority of people completely unwilling to challenge their hangups and preferences?  To expand their thinking and just for a moment, see through someone else’s eyes without saying that someone is being overly sensitive.

I am tired, scared, and feeling very alone.  I am withdrawing into myself again as I once was.  I no longer want to hear or see the hate or refusal to understand.  Yes I am opinionated, yes I believe in things that challenge most peoples limits and perceptions.  Because I want to see change, I want to be in a world that is more accepting of people like me, where I don’t have to be scared to be who I am.  Where I don’t have to be scared to show my vulnerability.  For every negative interaction, I withdraw more from friends, family, potential experiences.  I say less, I talk less, I share less, I live less.

Alone in my head left with my thoughts, shown that I can’t be who I am without the threat of harassment, hate, or death.  I can’t put myself out there to find potential friends.  I am shoved into the closet where the only thoughts left are if it’s worth it.  Is it worth trying?  Is it worth living as I truly am or being miserable.  Either misery seems just as bad.  Is the only answer just removing myself from the picture all together?   I know life is not suppose to be easy.  Everyone has their own individual challenges.  I won’t compare my torment to others.  But I am reaching a point where I wonder if its even worth trying anymore.  If I am not accepted as who I truly am, and the person I was before wanted to die bc of being trapped in the wrong person, then what place do I have?  What am I doing here other than wasting resources.

I know suicide is not the answer.  To those that still care, who are still here, it would hurt them.  I would hurt them by removing myself from their lives.  I will acknowledge that I have helped and continue to help those that are left around me.  I do not think the things that I do are nearly enough for them.  I do not think the things that I do are special.  I just don’t want them to feel the pain that I do.  I want to show them love, that life doesn’t have to be what I am constantly shown, that others do care.  In turn this should be advice for myself from the very people I help.  I do listen to it, I do hear it, and I do logically know that it is right.  Emotionally however, this hardly gives me solace.  I wish it weren’t this way.  There are times where those special people in my life show me that life can be special, can be a positive experience.  But the volume of negativity tends to drown out their voices over time.

Maybe withdrawing and only speaking with those that actually care will be helpful and reduce the volume of negativity both inside of me and outside.  I am willing to give it a chance.  But my willingness to share is fleeting.  I hate it, but when I feel this way, I just stop speaking to everyone.  I am afraid that eventually someone will find disgust in me.  I fear someone will change their mind about me and show the negativity, the hate, etc.  It’s hard to shake the fear when its happened often.  I don’t think I am able to share anymore.

 

 

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Out of the tunnel, into the light.

Wow are the words that are coming to mind immediately.  It has been a hell of a week already.  So before my dad got the letter in the mail, I came out to my brother and sister in law.  After talking to my wife, I realized I should tell them just in case dad didn’t take it well.  I was really surprised how accepting they were.  Brother even said “its about time you said something”.  Dad read the letter the next day.  He messaged me, said he read it twice.  Said that he may need to change the way he looks at things.  That he loves me no matter what.  I never expected this.  I was told at work yesterday that I should probably cut my hair.  I had a huge dysphoria attack.  I finally got the bravery to go talk to my boss (she is the director of our department and the one that had gave me the warning).  She was accepting and understood.  Her only request was that I keep it tied back and it look clean.  She was very accepting and did not judge me for it.

I feel like I’ve been overly judgmental about people before I even told them news about me.  Fully expecting a bad reaction without giving them the benefit of a doubt.  Although I had plenty of reason to think otherwise in some cases, I can’t help but feel a bit silly over it.  I had nothing to worry about and have support from everyone I care about.  This is not common for people going through this.  I have read and heard horror stories and that is what scared me a bit.  I knew it would not be easy, but after reading and hearing all of it, I was very hesitant.

This week has been a roller coaster.  Not everything has been great.  I will not name anyone or provide details, but 4 friends have expressed the thought or want to commit suicide.  I’ve never been one to think this is just a cry for attention.  I take it seriously as most of us should.  It hurts to see this happening to people I care about.  I have a problem with empathy.  I feel others pain very easily.  Even those I don’t know that well.  I am compelled to help, but feel unequipped to do so.  I have been there, I’ve had those thoughts and feelings before.  It’s what helped make me decide to make a change.  Not everyone can make a change though due to circumstances beyond peoples control.  This country, no this world should really take mental health more seriously.  There are a lot of us that have mental issues.  No one should be ashamed to admit they can’t handle stress, anxiety, depression.  The world can be a terrible/harsh place.  If you ever have a friend that feels they have no other choice, that there is no alternative, try to talk to them if you can.  Let them know they are loved, no scratch that, tell them now before they feel its too late.  Random acts of kindness go a long way I think.  You don’t have to spend money or anything fancy.  Just tell your friend, family, relative that you love them and like having them around.  It may not seem like much, but it can mean the world when you feel there is nothing you can do to feel better.  If you ever find someone who is in crisis, please find a 24/7 crisis line if you are not able to help.  We often get offended by how others say things or do not have the right words to say to not trigger the person in need.  If you yourself are ever in crisis, remember, you are not alone, you should not be ashamed.  Call for help, please.  Call your friend, call your family, call a crisis line if none of those are working.  You are worth more than what you may think or feel.  Especially to those you love.  Often those that love you forget or don’t know how to express it.  That does not mean its not there.

I want to thank Jessica for the post she put up on her blog here:  https://jessicasboudoire.wordpress.com/2016/04/13/a-little-cheer-in-an-otherwise-dull-week/

She is also on a journey like I am and has to overcome her own issues with family and friends.  I am happy that I could help lift her spirits about coming out.  It may not always be a happy experience.  We may even judge people wrong for it.  But in the end, if we all remember to love, then it can conquer all barriers.  It has to be equal for both sides.  I wish you the best of luck and will always be here throughout your journey Jessica.  And for those friends, scratch that, ALL of my friends, I am here for you as well whatever those issues may be.  Never forget that you are loved by many even if its not shown, even if its not told to you.