Gaming Friends, a letter to you.

I use to game a whole lot as a lot of you know.  I loved when I would stream and have the company of people all over the nation and sometimes world.  It’s fun having that company while gaming and it also helped my social skills.  When I’m not anxious, I am able to just talk to people, even if it’s just a little bit.  Gaming became an obsession.  Come home, hop on the computer and start playing something.  I spent HOURS on games like Smite, Minecraft, various platformers, Star Trek online, and the list goes on.  I also really enjoyed having a collection of retro games and collecting more systems, games, etc.  Was a part of a fun podcast where we talked about games, the gaming industry, shared opinions and just generally had fun with our passion.

Lots of things have changed.  Am I still a gamer, but I haven’t played them very much lately.  Most of you already know why.  But I do miss the community I had helped build.  I am very much still a part of it in some ways, but I feel like I’m being left further and further behind as far as game experiences go.  I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing though.  The obsession I had, for me personally, was not healthy or maintainable.  I spent most of my time gaming and much less on doing anything else.  I was letting life pass me by as I mined endlessly for diamonds or spent hours in online arena battles.  And when not doing that, I was watching stream after stream after stream while doing those other things.  It’s just not maintainable for me anymore.

I love to stream and share experiences with friends.  I love to watch streams and spend time with online friends where we wouldn’t get to hang out otherwise.  I loved making and creating and entertaining when I could.  I loved the jokes, the laughs, the research, the sharing of ideas, all of the social aspects of gaming.  That is what I miss most.  The games are really just a means to an end.  I am a very social gamer.  I want to play with others, not just by myself.  It’s depressing to game alone.  I want to have that fun social interaction with the passions we share.

It’s just not possible to do that anymore.  I am in love with someone very special to me and want to experience more things with her.  I have so many other things going on in “RL” as we all say.  I am getting some of the same social experiences I was getting before without gaming.  I don’t think I will ever stream again.  I try to catch a stream when I can.  I still enjoy the company and conversations I have on occasion with my gaming friends.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss you all.  I am still here and love you all the same as before.  I wish I had more time to spend with you all like before.  But life has changed so much.  I am a much happier person after making some major life changes.  I would not trade it for anything.  But I have not forgotten about you all.  I hope that you have not forgotten about me.

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Anniversary Post

I can’t believe it’s been a year already and I am still writing here. Since then lots of things have changed. I am still living at the same place, but the home is much different. Lost a wife, stopped having a youtube channel, stopped streaming on twitch, watched a great podcast go to the wayside. I love myself and have fixed so many issues in my life.

I don’t miss my ex anymore. I realized that I was settling for less than I deserve. I still think about her and worry about her, but its a fleeting thought. All she is to me now are memories and lessons learned.

I stopped having a youtube and twitch channel. I just don’t have the time or energy for it. I do miss it from time to time. My focus now is on the wonderful person in my life and sharing in the experiences we have. I still love video games, but I no longer feel compelled to stream them. I do however miss my online friends and sharing time with them in that way.

Being tired is now a normal thing. I am always tired, but I am happy. I get a lot of sleep when I am not staying up all night talking or having fun time with my girlfriend. I still need to work on my career goals and get my certifications, but I no longer have to change jobs. I am accepted up here, well, at least in my own department. I am the first transgender woman to come out at my place of work and its not been a big deal. I do wish that others in this place were more accepting. Other departments are not as nice, but I remember to stand my ground and remember they can’t make me less of a woman by their words.

It is dangerous to live here. Sometimes I forget that because I can pass as female most of the time. That’s not a luxury that my other trans friends have. A friend recently was on tv and talked about the bathroom bills and what not. The hateful comments from the idiots who live here makes me feel unsafe. My girlfriend worries for me, but unlike before, is willing to protect me and help other trans people. She has a huge heart.

Hard to believe a year has passed already. The journey has been easier in spots and hard in others. I am happy that I have the support of most of my friends and family. And I have made new friends along the way. It has been amazing so far. I am no longer depressed, anxiety doesn’t control me. I look in the mirror and see Sara, not that other person from before. I no longer have to live a lie. I am me, no one can change that.

Energy

I haven’t written here in a while.  And all the stuff I’ve written on fb will be more of the same here.  But I don’t care.  This is the story of me.  I am happy when there are those who chose to read my words, as sappy as they are.  Happiness is not a feeling I’ve known.  Not true happiness anyway.  Not until now.

A lot of you already know and have probably grown weary of hearing about my wonderful new relationship.  I am gushing and continue to do so.  Connection of this type is something I’ve not experienced before.  There are parts of me I do not share with the world.  We all have those parts deep inside that we keep to ourselves.  Those parts we don’t share, even with our partners.  To bear it all to one person takes a lot of courage.  For someone to see you, see through you, see all parts of you, is a scary thing.  But it doesn’t have to be.

Everyone had an energy about them.  We feel it when we feel that love of a friend, that familiarity with people we see and look forward to seeing.  We feel it when we get that gut feeling that something is not right about someone, or when we get the creeps from someone.  The first thing I felt when I met her was a strong energy.  One that was kind of intimidating but in a sense, inviting once we started talking.  Then it became a feeling I could trust.  There was already a connection forming even then.  Then I asked her for a hug, a cuddle, etc.  Someone I didn’t know well, someone who projected this confidence, holding me.  Helping me feel like things will be ok.

We both started to have a deeper connection.  She felt she wanted to protect me.  We started a platonic, mother/daughter dynamic.  It was more than a friendship, a deeper one that was very nurturing and caring.  But it was still a friendship.  She had other relationships.  I noticed how she looked at others and I could feel the energy between them.  I stop there and start to compare the energy exchange with her relationships then and the energy with me.

When she looks at me now, I melt a little.  I feel my body ease, my eyes soften.  I could see how she eased when she looks at me, the smile that comes across her face.  It was similar but different to another romantic relationship she had before.  I wondered what it was.  I think I now know.  The energy we have exchanged has brought us closer.  It’s as if I can tell what’s on her mind emotionally at times.  I can see how she looks at me, what goes through her head.  Yes, when she looks at me, it’s a much different feeling to past relationships.  It’s hard to describe it, but now that I know it’s there, I don’t have to be told I’m special to her.  I can feel it through my whole being.  I have never experienced that from someone else.  The way she looks at me is not at all the same as it is to others.  I see that now, VERY clearly.

It’s mushy, gushy, cliche and sticky sweet love stuff.  But I don’t care if it bothers others.  I want to share every happy moment.  I want to show the world that we have found something special together.

us

I love us.  And I want to share the rest of my life with this wonderful person.  I want to stay in this happiness and look forward to things I never thought I would want, but welcome with open arms.