It’s hard being true to yourself

Positive thoughts are fleeting nowadays.  I see it when I write, feel it when I am emotional, think it when I let my thoughts wander.  But is it all that bad?  I am finally able to live as myself for the first time in my life.  I am finally with someone who encourages me to be who I am and doesn’t hold me back.  Why am I not happy?

Life situations tend to cloud what could be a very hopeful and happy situation.  I am unemployed, so my worth to society seems very little.  I have not made anything creatively in a long time.  My motivation to create, work, and do things has reached an all time low.  I know this and it’s a constant cycle of feeling worse and worse.  I know the solution is not to wallow in these horrid feelings that feel impossible to escape.

It is not easy living as ones true self.  In a lot of ways it’s been self defeating.  I have already said I have lost friends, lost this, lost that, etc.  So how have I managed to keep going and not just stay in bed.  Well for a few months, I didn’t really want to do much.  Depression can be very crippling.  I didn’t even apply for jobs, do house work, feed myself properly, take my meds, etc.

What has kept me going despite all of this?  Stubbornness?  To lazy to stop existing?  Some days I can’t fathom why.  But I know what has helped a lot.  The few friends left that I try to message and support, the few twitter friends I try to message every now and then just to see how they are doing, and watching the successes of my twitter friends.  I could talk about all of them individually, but that post would be excessively long.  Maybe I should write it anyway.  We all need a boost from each other right?  I feel as if even with that I have not been as supportive as I could be.  I don’t ever feel that I have done enough or that I have forgotten about others.  I try to remember that I have to take care of myself before I can help and take care of others.

My partner has been extremely patient and supportive during this time, even working overtime to help cover bills.  I of course feel guilty for this even though I know there isn’t much I can do about it.  I don’t want her to work so hard just to make ends meet.  I feel worse because I don’t feel like I am contributing to our household.  But I also have to remind myself of what I am doing and what I can do to contribute.  Depression doesn’t help make this any easier.  I have started to say “sorry” way more often than I should.

So why am I still trying when a lot of things have made me feel like a failure?  I love my family and friends so much that I don’t want to fail them.  I feel bad for not being able or willing to provide as much as I can.  So what is left if the depression has convinced me of these terrible things.  I have to remember to be myself, take care of myself, and that I can not help others if I can not help myself.

I have recently been trying to take care of myself.  Self care is so very important right now.  It comes in many forms:  learning a new skill, getting some chores done, applying for more jobs, getting interviews scheduled, updating my resume, eating right, taking my meds consistently, being a good listener for my friends, helping a friend who needs some advice, promoting my friends accomplishments, collaborating with others on projects both creative and otherwise, using my career skills to help friends and family, and more.

Part of this is self care, the other is doing things that I am able to do to help others out.  The latter is a reminder that I still have something to contribute to others.  The former helps me do the latter.  I can build my own cycle of reward to hopefully help me get out of the cycle of depression.  It gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  It gives me a reason to live and breath.  It gives me a chance to be myself.

I have had to discover a lot about myself these past couple of years.  My journey has changed course so much during this time.  I thought I knew who I was, but I still do not know fully who I am.  But I have made plenty of discoveries about it.  So who the hell am I?

I am a kind and caring person to a fault.  I am a strong defender of those I care about.  I am forgetful.  I am intelligent but scared to show it.  I am flawed, but not trash.  I am imperfect but not worthless.  I love hard.  I will not put up with others stomping on my civil rights.  I will defend myself and will defend others.  I will lift those up I care about who let me know they need help.  I am strong willed and am unable to completely give up.  I am able to fake it till I make it.  I take things hard, but can bounce back from it if I try hard enough.  I need support from those I love, but rarely ask for it.   I am afraid to speak out of fear of offending others.  I am afraid of others judging or disliking me.  I am not 100% introverted.  I am not extroverted.  I want to be heard instead of ignored.  I am a person who holds honesty in the highest regard.  I show respect to those who are honest to me even though they may be afraid of hurting my feelings.  I fear the future, but am not opposed to it.  I want to experience new and interesting things.  I want to be free from my depression.  I want to continue to have the few friendships I have.  I want to strengthen those relationships.  I want to build new and fulfilling friendships with others that are mutually beneficial.

And finally, I want to love others who are close to me.  I want to be loved for who I am, not who I was.  I will continue to fight to be who I am and love those around me.  I will continue to try and build up current and new relationships.  I will not let depression take the things I care about most from me.

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Exclusion of Symbiosis

Take charge of my destiny, or let it be decided by others?
Identity denied
Its ok, I’ve tired of dubious pursuits
Think for me because you think you know better
Eliminate choice because you think you know better

Disapointed when I’m not happy
Deny me the world so I can not feel
Blame me for the dispair you feel
Resent me for my inner torment

Conform me into a mold I can’t habituate
Compel me to be something I’m not
Impose your will over mine
Defeated when I can’t meet your expectations

My destiny is not yours to chose
Individuality restored
I’ve tired of your dubious pursuits
Think for myself because you dont know better
Taking flight, symbiosis destroyed

Love hurts

Depression has been crippling lately.  I want to not care about the things my emotions do.  Logically it doesn’t make sense why I still care and worry about my past.  But my head keeps reminding me in a vicious cycle of places I’ve been, things I’ve experienced, love I have shared.

When I love, I love deeply.  It’s who I am.  I am devoted and loyal to a fault.  I don’t want to love her anymore.  There is a deep hatred of her, but deep inside the love is still there.  I want it ripped out of me.  I want to not give a shit anymore.  I want the caring, the memories both good and bad, taken from me.  It is just painful.  Especially since this person did not appreciate or tell me she did not want what I was offering.  I put so much effort into showing love.  No, I was not perfect, I made plenty of mistakes.  But I tried.  On the other hand, I want her to suffer as I suffer everyday.  I don’t really want this, but emotionally I want her to feel what I feel or worse.  I want her to see what she has and continues to put me through.

My emotions seem to latch onto the mistakes, the awkward moments, the things I can not get back.  I feel like I am at constant war with my past.  I try to remember the present and the good things about it.  And sometimes it helps.  But not always.  Some of you know I am into BDSM and appreciate a good beating.  I am in need of one, but even that is only temporary relief from the emotions that eventually come back and don’t let up.  I am not sure how much physical pain it is going to take to push through the emotional turmoil.

It’s not just over one relationship, although that is a huge contributing factor.  I am still grieving over Mom.  I am still reeling from the people I’ve lost as friends.  I know logically I need to move on, if they cared that they would have stayed, etc.  Emotionally those things don’t matter.  The memories hurt just as bad as they did before.  I was told I need to show discretion once…this is my outlet asshole.  I don’t understand the reasons for people unfriending me.  I am being true to who I am, being open with who I am as a way to be healthier.  I am taking ownership of who I am and embracing that.  I am trying to live as a person who does not have the limitations she did before.  It seems that others hate me for that.  Logically, they can kiss my ass and get out of my life.  But emotionally their reasoning hurts so much.  I loved you, why does your friendship have to have these stupid conditions?

All I want in life is to be loved, acknowledged when I feel a certain way, be accepted for who I truly am without judgement, have friends who aren’t there under certain conditions, and not have to worry so much that I hide who I am.  I am so depressed because I love too much and emotionally can’t let go no matter how much I want to.  I don’t want to hurt anymore.  I don’t want to care about the people who hurt me.  I want to know how to not love them anymore.  I want to not care about them or what happens to them.  I want to be truly free from them forever.  I want the emotional ties cut so that I no longer feel the weight of their betrayal or deceit.

The Great Divide

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I have lost friends over this.  I have stopped talking to people.  My circle is tiny now.  There are maybe a handful of people I can call friends.

My worst fear is abandonment.  I feel like once someone gets to know me, they leave.  Either by moving away, by going silent, by ignoring me, etc.  I have been left to many times by people I care about.  I can’t just stop caring about those people, but either they leave me or I have to leave them to be healthy.  When I have to leave, it’s because they want to rely on me to help them out of their emotional hole.  Yet they are unable or unwilling to help themselves.  I can not be dragged down into their despair because I have my own to deal with.  I want to help those I care about, but if they are not willing to put in the effort, what is the point?  I can’t solve problems of others, I can only offer help.  When I see they are trying to pull me down with them, I have to leave.

I wonder if people feel the same way about me and leave me because of the same reasons.  I like to think that I do not try to pull people down with me.  I like to think that I try to fix my own issues and just need someone to listen and acknowledge me from time to time.  I just don’t know.  But I no longer have the friends I use to.  The ones I still have that I consider close are physically so far away.  The ones that are close by physically are new friends that don’t really know me.  That is not their fault though.  I don’t really open up like I use to anymore.  I don’t want to risk being hurt again.  It has happened too much.  I do not want to open up, just to be abandoned like others have done.

I feel stuck, I want close friends again, but either they are unable to or I am unable to open up.  It makes me feel alone a lot.  I know only I can change this, but it doesn’t make the feeling of despair go away.  There is a great divide that seems hard to cross.

Gaming Friends, a letter to you.

I use to game a whole lot as a lot of you know.  I loved when I would stream and have the company of people all over the nation and sometimes world.  It’s fun having that company while gaming and it also helped my social skills.  When I’m not anxious, I am able to just talk to people, even if it’s just a little bit.  Gaming became an obsession.  Come home, hop on the computer and start playing something.  I spent HOURS on games like Smite, Minecraft, various platformers, Star Trek online, and the list goes on.  I also really enjoyed having a collection of retro games and collecting more systems, games, etc.  Was a part of a fun podcast where we talked about games, the gaming industry, shared opinions and just generally had fun with our passion.

Lots of things have changed.  Am I still a gamer, but I haven’t played them very much lately.  Most of you already know why.  But I do miss the community I had helped build.  I am very much still a part of it in some ways, but I feel like I’m being left further and further behind as far as game experiences go.  I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing though.  The obsession I had, for me personally, was not healthy or maintainable.  I spent most of my time gaming and much less on doing anything else.  I was letting life pass me by as I mined endlessly for diamonds or spent hours in online arena battles.  And when not doing that, I was watching stream after stream after stream while doing those other things.  It’s just not maintainable for me anymore.

I love to stream and share experiences with friends.  I love to watch streams and spend time with online friends where we wouldn’t get to hang out otherwise.  I loved making and creating and entertaining when I could.  I loved the jokes, the laughs, the research, the sharing of ideas, all of the social aspects of gaming.  That is what I miss most.  The games are really just a means to an end.  I am a very social gamer.  I want to play with others, not just by myself.  It’s depressing to game alone.  I want to have that fun social interaction with the passions we share.

It’s just not possible to do that anymore.  I am in love with someone very special to me and want to experience more things with her.  I have so many other things going on in “RL” as we all say.  I am getting some of the same social experiences I was getting before without gaming.  I don’t think I will ever stream again.  I try to catch a stream when I can.  I still enjoy the company and conversations I have on occasion with my gaming friends.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss you all.  I am still here and love you all the same as before.  I wish I had more time to spend with you all like before.  But life has changed so much.  I am a much happier person after making some major life changes.  I would not trade it for anything.  But I have not forgotten about you all.  I hope that you have not forgotten about me.

Anniversary Post

I can’t believe it’s been a year already and I am still writing here. Since then lots of things have changed. I am still living at the same place, but the home is much different. Lost a wife, stopped having a youtube channel, stopped streaming on twitch, watched a great podcast go to the wayside. I love myself and have fixed so many issues in my life.

I don’t miss my ex anymore. I realized that I was settling for less than I deserve. I still think about her and worry about her, but its a fleeting thought. All she is to me now are memories and lessons learned.

I stopped having a youtube and twitch channel. I just don’t have the time or energy for it. I do miss it from time to time. My focus now is on the wonderful person in my life and sharing in the experiences we have. I still love video games, but I no longer feel compelled to stream them. I do however miss my online friends and sharing time with them in that way.

Being tired is now a normal thing. I am always tired, but I am happy. I get a lot of sleep when I am not staying up all night talking or having fun time with my girlfriend. I still need to work on my career goals and get my certifications, but I no longer have to change jobs. I am accepted up here, well, at least in my own department. I am the first transgender woman to come out at my place of work and its not been a big deal. I do wish that others in this place were more accepting. Other departments are not as nice, but I remember to stand my ground and remember they can’t make me less of a woman by their words.

It is dangerous to live here. Sometimes I forget that because I can pass as female most of the time. That’s not a luxury that my other trans friends have. A friend recently was on tv and talked about the bathroom bills and what not. The hateful comments from the idiots who live here makes me feel unsafe. My girlfriend worries for me, but unlike before, is willing to protect me and help other trans people. She has a huge heart.

Hard to believe a year has passed already. The journey has been easier in spots and hard in others. I am happy that I have the support of most of my friends and family. And I have made new friends along the way. It has been amazing so far. I am no longer depressed, anxiety doesn’t control me. I look in the mirror and see Sara, not that other person from before. I no longer have to live a lie. I am me, no one can change that.

Energy

I haven’t written here in a while.  And all the stuff I’ve written on fb will be more of the same here.  But I don’t care.  This is the story of me.  I am happy when there are those who chose to read my words, as sappy as they are.  Happiness is not a feeling I’ve known.  Not true happiness anyway.  Not until now.

A lot of you already know and have probably grown weary of hearing about my wonderful new relationship.  I am gushing and continue to do so.  Connection of this type is something I’ve not experienced before.  There are parts of me I do not share with the world.  We all have those parts deep inside that we keep to ourselves.  Those parts we don’t share, even with our partners.  To bear it all to one person takes a lot of courage.  For someone to see you, see through you, see all parts of you, is a scary thing.  But it doesn’t have to be.

Everyone had an energy about them.  We feel it when we feel that love of a friend, that familiarity with people we see and look forward to seeing.  We feel it when we get that gut feeling that something is not right about someone, or when we get the creeps from someone.  The first thing I felt when I met her was a strong energy.  One that was kind of intimidating but in a sense, inviting once we started talking.  Then it became a feeling I could trust.  There was already a connection forming even then.  Then I asked her for a hug, a cuddle, etc.  Someone I didn’t know well, someone who projected this confidence, holding me.  Helping me feel like things will be ok.

We both started to have a deeper connection.  She felt she wanted to protect me.  We started a platonic, mother/daughter dynamic.  It was more than a friendship, a deeper one that was very nurturing and caring.  But it was still a friendship.  She had other relationships.  I noticed how she looked at others and I could feel the energy between them.  I stop there and start to compare the energy exchange with her relationships then and the energy with me.

When she looks at me now, I melt a little.  I feel my body ease, my eyes soften.  I could see how she eased when she looks at me, the smile that comes across her face.  It was similar but different to another romantic relationship she had before.  I wondered what it was.  I think I now know.  The energy we have exchanged has brought us closer.  It’s as if I can tell what’s on her mind emotionally at times.  I can see how she looks at me, what goes through her head.  Yes, when she looks at me, it’s a much different feeling to past relationships.  It’s hard to describe it, but now that I know it’s there, I don’t have to be told I’m special to her.  I can feel it through my whole being.  I have never experienced that from someone else.  The way she looks at me is not at all the same as it is to others.  I see that now, VERY clearly.

It’s mushy, gushy, cliche and sticky sweet love stuff.  But I don’t care if it bothers others.  I want to share every happy moment.  I want to show the world that we have found something special together.

us

I love us.  And I want to share the rest of my life with this wonderful person.  I want to stay in this happiness and look forward to things I never thought I would want, but welcome with open arms.