Love hurts

Depression has been crippling lately.  I want to not care about the things my emotions do.  Logically it doesn’t make sense why I still care and worry about my past.  But my head keeps reminding me in a vicious cycle of places I’ve been, things I’ve experienced, love I have shared.

When I love, I love deeply.  It’s who I am.  I am devoted and loyal to a fault.  I don’t want to love her anymore.  There is a deep hatred of her, but deep inside the love is still there.  I want it ripped out of me.  I want to not give a shit anymore.  I want the caring, the memories both good and bad, taken from me.  It is just painful.  Especially since this person did not appreciate or tell me she did not want what I was offering.  I put so much effort into showing love.  No, I was not perfect, I made plenty of mistakes.  But I tried.  On the other hand, I want her to suffer as I suffer everyday.  I don’t really want this, but emotionally I want her to feel what I feel or worse.  I want her to see what she has and continues to put me through.

My emotions seem to latch onto the mistakes, the awkward moments, the things I can not get back.  I feel like I am at constant war with my past.  I try to remember the present and the good things about it.  And sometimes it helps.  But not always.  Some of you know I am into BDSM and appreciate a good beating.  I am in need of one, but even that is only temporary relief from the emotions that eventually come back and don’t let up.  I am not sure how much physical pain it is going to take to push through the emotional turmoil.

It’s not just over one relationship, although that is a huge contributing factor.  I am still grieving over Mom.  I am still reeling from the people I’ve lost as friends.  I know logically I need to move on, if they cared that they would have stayed, etc.  Emotionally those things don’t matter.  The memories hurt just as bad as they did before.  I was told I need to show discretion once…this is my outlet asshole.  I don’t understand the reasons for people unfriending me.  I am being true to who I am, being open with who I am as a way to be healthier.  I am taking ownership of who I am and embracing that.  I am trying to live as a person who does not have the limitations she did before.  It seems that others hate me for that.  Logically, they can kiss my ass and get out of my life.  But emotionally their reasoning hurts so much.  I loved you, why does your friendship have to have these stupid conditions?

All I want in life is to be loved, acknowledged when I feel a certain way, be accepted for who I truly am without judgement, have friends who aren’t there under certain conditions, and not have to worry so much that I hide who I am.  I am so depressed because I love too much and emotionally can’t let go no matter how much I want to.  I don’t want to hurt anymore.  I don’t want to care about the people who hurt me.  I want to know how to not love them anymore.  I want to not care about them or what happens to them.  I want to be truly free from them forever.  I want the emotional ties cut so that I no longer feel the weight of their betrayal or deceit.

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Dear Mom,

I have a lot of things I never got to say.  You left before I had a chance to say them.  I was not brave enough to say them at the time.  I have ignored or pushed away how I’ve felt about you for years.  It’s time I stop that today.

I was sad that you left, but more worried about Dad.  I suppressed my grief.  I did for him because he just lost the one he loved.  I don’t know exactly how that feels to lose someone in that way.  I can imagine it, in some ways I can feel it.  It’s a heavy weight that I wanted to help him with.  Eventually the weight lifted where he could deal on his own so that I could get back to trying to deal with my own emotional weight.  I still suppressed my grief.  I didn’t want to feel it.  A year of standing still, imagining I was happy.  Constantly reminded of what is wrong.  Just trying to get by and build on other things.  Play games until all hours of the night to forget about the pain.  Any issue within the groups of friends I had, any issues with my wife, made the thoughts come back.  I finally decided to be happy.

I decided to start living as I truly am Mom.  I started going to a therapist to take care of it.  She diagnosed me with gender dysphoria.  Mom, I’m not your son, I never was.  I was the girl you wanted.  I am your daughter.  I don’t even know if you understand this or not or why the sudden change.  You being gone was a reminder that I need to find happiness.  I expected you to be mad or frustrated at me if you were to ever find out these feelings I had about myself.  The things you would say, the attitude about me not being masculine enough, that hurt.  It made me angry at you for not understanding.  I felt I could never tell you that inside I am female.

But, I forgive you.

You only went on what you knew.  Me not being the man your raised may have made you feel like you are a failure and it didn’t feel good.  Mom, you raised a perfectly good person.  Gender has nothing to do with it or feel guilty about.  You should be proud of the daughter who is becoming the woman she should have been.  I have made lots of major changes and survived some really harsh emotional stuff.  I am about to be divorced, I am accepting my true gender, I am changing my spirituality, I am deepening the healthy friendships I have into very loving relationships.

I have never been able to say that I love myself.  To think it would be embarrassing at best.  That is no longer true.  Every morning I see a pretty face in the mirror.  It’s not a perfect face, but one that has lived through the scars of the past.  One who knows who she is and is not afraid to say so.  One who is growing more confident everyday.  But one that also misses you a lot.

I miss you mom.  I love you.  I wish I could have told you about all of this.  I wish we could live through this transition of my life together.  To see the person I am and make you proud.  But I will be okay mom.  You raised a good person, a very loving person.  I will remember you always.

Love,

Sara