Seems like there is a lot going on, yet nothing at all. Been on hormones for almost a year. I talked to the local college here, and their law school is going to help me with my name change and gender marker change without extra costs. Basically I’m just going to pay the court fees, costs to change/update the licence/ss card/etc. My body changes seemed to have stopped. I am still taking my hormones, but it seems like they are not having the physical effects. I have not really been watching my diet, so that might be part of it.
I am feeling better about myself in general, but my gender dysphoria is just as strong as before. I feel I am going to have to make some physical changes to cure that. I know and feel positive about myself, but dysphoria is not that simple to just wish away. It’s a constant reminder of what isn’t. I know it doesn’t make me any less of a woman, but the feelings of gender dysphoria do not care.
You never know how much you do with someone else till you remember the little things. The things you take for granted. I learned how to cook with someone. Learned all my grocery buying habits, methods of cooking, techniques, etc. Cooking with someone else brought up those old feelings. Never expected a brick wall to hit me in that way. Although I realize that’s now why I hate cooking for myself. Its a reminder in the back of my head. Road trips to places I enjoy are usually good memories, but not lately. Pictures are a good but sometimes awful reminder of fun times once had. Places you experienced together, life you lived together sharing new experiences. Those places and memories hurt.
I started streaming again. Not a set schedule, just as I can. Although I was hoping for
more interaction, it has been a while since I’ve streamed. Also I brought up subjects that most do not know about unless they are into it themselves. It will take time. Kink (bdsm) has been a positive thing for me. Yea, I like physical pain. It releases endorphins, the bodies natural medicine. Also with cuttings, it’s nice to see a pretty result of it. I have a butterfly on my back that’s still visible, as well as a triquatra on my right thigh.
Cuttings are similar to tattoos, but not 100% permanent, unless you make them permanent by having them re-cut (which I’m actually thinking about doing).
Being in the type of dynamic I am in is an interesting experience. I love attending to another persons needs, having to ask for permission to do something, having someone to feel safe enough with to share thoughts and feelings. If I disappoint them, I feel terrible. But the praise when I do good is so very good. The caring and love in this type of relationship is much different than I’ve ever experienced, and it feels good to get it. I really needed it. Although I feel like I could do a better job of my daily tasks or follow protocol more strictly. I am thankful for leniency, but also know that a good kick in the ass helps remind me to do better.
It will be 3 years since mom passed away on the 30th. I miss her, but I am not always tearing up when I think about her. I do know that day will not be an easy one though. There was a lot I didn’t get to talk to her about, and never will be able to have a conversation with her about those things.
Even with the mix of negativity, there is a lot to be happy and thankful for. I am loved, I am beautiful, I am worthy of the good things coming my way. I have wonderful, supportive, loving friends and family. Some of those friends I even consider family. For all that I’ve lost, I’ve gained so much more. I will be okay. Not everyday is good, but I have more good days than bad. And there is always someone there to listen.