Anniversary Post

I can’t believe it’s been a year already and I am still writing here. Since then lots of things have changed. I am still living at the same place, but the home is much different. Lost a wife, stopped having a youtube channel, stopped streaming on twitch, watched a great podcast go to the wayside. I love myself and have fixed so many issues in my life.

I don’t miss my ex anymore. I realized that I was settling for less than I deserve. I still think about her and worry about her, but its a fleeting thought. All she is to me now are memories and lessons learned.

I stopped having a youtube and twitch channel. I just don’t have the time or energy for it. I do miss it from time to time. My focus now is on the wonderful person in my life and sharing in the experiences we have. I still love video games, but I no longer feel compelled to stream them. I do however miss my online friends and sharing time with them in that way.

Being tired is now a normal thing. I am always tired, but I am happy. I get a lot of sleep when I am not staying up all night talking or having fun time with my girlfriend. I still need to work on my career goals and get my certifications, but I no longer have to change jobs. I am accepted up here, well, at least in my own department. I am the first transgender woman to come out at my place of work and its not been a big deal. I do wish that others in this place were more accepting. Other departments are not as nice, but I remember to stand my ground and remember they can’t make me less of a woman by their words.

It is dangerous to live here. Sometimes I forget that because I can pass as female most of the time. That’s not a luxury that my other trans friends have. A friend recently was on tv and talked about the bathroom bills and what not. The hateful comments from the idiots who live here makes me feel unsafe. My girlfriend worries for me, but unlike before, is willing to protect me and help other trans people. She has a huge heart.

Hard to believe a year has passed already. The journey has been easier in spots and hard in others. I am happy that I have the support of most of my friends and family. And I have made new friends along the way. It has been amazing so far. I am no longer depressed, anxiety doesn’t control me. I look in the mirror and see Sara, not that other person from before. I no longer have to live a lie. I am me, no one can change that.

Advertisements

Fear and Blindness

I use to look to you
For everything
You were my life, my focus
I gave you all I had
And some things I didn’t

But you showed what it was worth to you.

Blinded by words
Held back by fear
Living a lie
Just to make someone happy

But I no longer need you
For anything
I dont need you, no longer my focus
I now give you nothing
And take back what I need

I know what I am worth

No longer blind
No longer in fear
Living my life
To make myself happy

I do not need to look to you
For anything
I have my life and things to focus on
I have everything I need
And some of the things I want

I am worth more than what you valued in me

No longer blind
Fear is a memory
It’s my life
I can be happy without you.

Dear Mom,

I have a lot of things I never got to say.  You left before I had a chance to say them.  I was not brave enough to say them at the time.  I have ignored or pushed away how I’ve felt about you for years.  It’s time I stop that today.

I was sad that you left, but more worried about Dad.  I suppressed my grief.  I did for him because he just lost the one he loved.  I don’t know exactly how that feels to lose someone in that way.  I can imagine it, in some ways I can feel it.  It’s a heavy weight that I wanted to help him with.  Eventually the weight lifted where he could deal on his own so that I could get back to trying to deal with my own emotional weight.  I still suppressed my grief.  I didn’t want to feel it.  A year of standing still, imagining I was happy.  Constantly reminded of what is wrong.  Just trying to get by and build on other things.  Play games until all hours of the night to forget about the pain.  Any issue within the groups of friends I had, any issues with my wife, made the thoughts come back.  I finally decided to be happy.

I decided to start living as I truly am Mom.  I started going to a therapist to take care of it.  She diagnosed me with gender dysphoria.  Mom, I’m not your son, I never was.  I was the girl you wanted.  I am your daughter.  I don’t even know if you understand this or not or why the sudden change.  You being gone was a reminder that I need to find happiness.  I expected you to be mad or frustrated at me if you were to ever find out these feelings I had about myself.  The things you would say, the attitude about me not being masculine enough, that hurt.  It made me angry at you for not understanding.  I felt I could never tell you that inside I am female.

But, I forgive you.

You only went on what you knew.  Me not being the man your raised may have made you feel like you are a failure and it didn’t feel good.  Mom, you raised a perfectly good person.  Gender has nothing to do with it or feel guilty about.  You should be proud of the daughter who is becoming the woman she should have been.  I have made lots of major changes and survived some really harsh emotional stuff.  I am about to be divorced, I am accepting my true gender, I am changing my spirituality, I am deepening the healthy friendships I have into very loving relationships.

I have never been able to say that I love myself.  To think it would be embarrassing at best.  That is no longer true.  Every morning I see a pretty face in the mirror.  It’s not a perfect face, but one that has lived through the scars of the past.  One who knows who she is and is not afraid to say so.  One who is growing more confident everyday.  But one that also misses you a lot.

I miss you mom.  I love you.  I wish I could have told you about all of this.  I wish we could live through this transition of my life together.  To see the person I am and make you proud.  But I will be okay mom.  You raised a good person, a very loving person.  I will remember you always.

Love,

Sara

I’m ready to get off this ride.

This roller coaster of a journey has suddenly taken a bad turn. There is track missing that I didn’t see before. It’s going to hurt. Such is life right now. No one said the journey was all about the good positive things. At times its felt like there are just no more tears I can shed. It’s taken almost a week and 1/2 to get to where I feel numb. At times it still hurts so bad that I loose control, I just can’t hold the tears back. But it IS getting better.

Thank you friends for talking to me and helping me get some perspective or being comforting. It’s taken some time for me to realize what I really want or need. Feelings I’ve ignored for years to try to be a better partner, yet failing to do so.  For that I am sorry.  I made many mistakes, we both did.  I hope we come out of this as better people.

Right now I think it is best to go try and see some people, to get out of my current surroundings for a bit.  I hope that I can afford to do so.  I don’t even know all the places I want to go.

As much as I want to leave, the feeling of responsibility is looming.  I feel as if I can’t functionally get it all done.  I know what needs to be done, but picking up the phone to do it is hurtful.  I even had hell trying to make myself dinner.  Not because it was hard, but because it was something I shared and enjoyed.  Now it feels like a reminder of what I don’t have.

It is getting better slowly, VERY slowly.  I know it will pass, but in those times of hurt, it seems really far away.  I will try to be hopeful, but not everyday will be that way.  I can’t thank people enough for being there when I really need a lift up.  I can not do this on my own.

Broken

Today I lost the person I care about most.  Our relationship is over.  I am lost, thoughts of terrible things going through my being.  I hope that the separation doesn’t hurt our friends or that they think ill of me or her.  I do not know how to continue other than feel pain right now.  Time may not heal this wound.  As much as I hate to copy others works, this songs lyrics are very relevant to me. 

Nine Inch Nalis – Hurt
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way