Reflection

As I was cleaning up my desk today, I found something I had wrote on several months ago: 

I feel alone, I feel I am an irritation to others, I want to cry, I don’t want to work on anything, My throat hurts, my head hurts, I want to go home, lock the door and hide from the world.  

A few months ago I was not okay.  I was hurt, felt abandoned, felt like I had no place to turn to and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.  Those feelings seem distant and fleeting.  I still get depressed from time to time, but no where near what it use to be.  I have an abundance of love around me from friends, family and extended family.

Love lost meaning to me for a long time.  Before my first marriage, I had dated and gone out with several girls, but nothing that lasted.  I wanted to find that kind of love from someone.  The kind that is unconditional, the kind you get from someone special.  I thought I had found that.  For the first few years of the relationship I though I understood what love was.  Eventually that faded and the I love you’s became habit and lost all meaning.  Despite that I was still willing to try.  To try and make things better, to deepen the feelings and make them meaningful.  I am not perfect, but I sacrificed a big part of myself to try and make that work.

I realized that its hard to love someone when you do not love yourself.  I started trying to change that.  I started trying to accept who I really am.  Apparently this was too much for the person I was with.  She did not love me despite my flaws.  I was “too much” or “she could not handle someone like me”.  It made me realize that the love she said she had for me was not really there.  I was destroyed for a long time.  Lost and didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to just be alone and suffer.

Luckily I could not let things stay that way.  I went out, tried to meet people at social groups.  Sure it was a BDSM group, but I had to explore the other parts of me that I had hidden away to please someone else.  I started talking to some people.  One person saw I needed help and decided to do something.  So far she has helped me to redefine what love is.  This may or may not have been her intention, but that was the result.  Her family and friends, her unconditional love and affection have helped me realize that I haven’t really known love for a long time.  It’s helped me in my other relationships and helped in building others.  Talking to other people seems easier now with a bit of the self love I’ve gained.

I still have self doubt and some depression.  I know I am not out of the woods yet.  But instead of stumbling in the dark, I have tools to see through and a person to help guide me on to brighter pastures.

Healing

To get better sometimes means feeling the worst of what ails you.

I have been so grateful for meeting a group of friends that have been there through all my emotional issues.  It helps when you have a group with a common interest that can come together.  Not only being accepted, but also looking past the problems and just talking about the thing that we came together for.  Being accepted as part of the group can help when you feel like you are alone.  Especially when your exploring a new part of who you are.

Even with the good, there are the times when I come back home and remember.  Memories tied to things, some material, some digital.  In this case, it was all the digital memories.  Lots of things that were created together.  Pictures, videos, projects, vacations, graphics.  Every part of it a memory of something I no longer have.  It hurt, a lot.

I cried for a while, it was ugly.  I both needed to happen and did not need to.  The emotions need to be let out, but I can’t keep feeling this way when I am alone.  Lately I have been feeling dysphoric at work.  Sometimes causing major anxiety.  I am tired of coming here, wearing this uniform of a person I am not.  A mixture of these two feelings hit me yesterday while I was still at work.  I had to close my office door because I could not control the tears.  I am lucky to have the friends I do, that are willing to listen to me when I am in this much distress.  I can’t thank them enough.

The hurt I felt brought back the issues I’m facing.  I am not over it by a long shot.  The days that are good are increasing in amount, but there are still days that are some of the most hurtful they have ever been.  I know it won’t be fixed overnight.  I am thankful for all the support I have had so far.  I hope that those around me are patient enough to listen when I am having one of those days.  I personally am always there for them, but even if someone says otherwise, I still feel I am a burden.  So much pressure in the world to “feel positive” or “enjoy life”.  You know though, sometimes I am not okay.  Sometimes I am not feeling good.  And that is okay for me to feel that way.  I need to so I can heal.

 

 

Creative Side of Negativity

Do not take this as something to worry about. This is more for creative purposes and may end up in something I make. Its a combination of feelings I’m still working through. Know that I am okay or will be. I have had lots of support and love from good friends and family.

Anguish is a constant companion
Not much solace in sleep
My happiness left when they did.

My foundation has crumbled.
My sanctuary destroyed
My soul withering

What disguise will I wear today?
Is there a difference between myself and the facade.
A perpetual aberration

Masking the anguish
A facade for others sake
Refusing the display of my soul

I’m 12 again…

Hormones can do strange things to you.  I never understood what changes someone goes through when they are going through puberty.  I never knew what a girl might go through in that time of their life…until now.

Before I start, I realize this is my own personal experience.  This does not speak for all girls who have gone through puberty because I can not know what someone else might have experienced.  But some of the stereotypical stuff is happening to me.  I have several crushes on people that I normally would not have had an interest in.  It’s sometimes awkward as I feel like I’m embarrassed to talk to them because I have anxiety from liking them in that way.  I realize this will pass, but the feelings right now are VERY hard to ignore or suppress.

Mood swings are a bit worse at times.  I take things a bit to far in my mind.  I fear situations are one way and worry about them when they are not that way.  Over worrying about what others think about me and thinking every corner that there is hidden drama going on behind my back.  Logically I know this is not what is going on, but again, that feeling is not easy to ignore.

Being alone (as in no partner) is a bit more painful.  Not only because it happened after something so long term, but also because of the heightened emotional state.  I started accounts on dating sites to try and stem some of this, but I feel like it will not be helpful.  I need to try and do something, but often do not know what to do.  I’ve got to at least make an attempt, even if it’s just makes me feel better temporarily. I want to date someone, but I know logically it’s probably not a good idea.

I am tired everyday again, almost falling out of my chair at work.  At home, naps are a godsend.  I have lots of stuff to do at home, but am often too tired to do anything about it.  Last night I ate dinner and fell asleep at 6:30ish.  Did not wake up until 10:30ish that night.  I can say, at least, that the house feels like a safe place for once.  I am not scared to be there.  I am tired of the loneliness I feel when I am there though.  It is comfort in solitude when solitude is not something I want right now.

I am not okay being alone.  Never was.  I am a much different person when I am.  I am lazy and depressed.  I know in time this will change.  I know it won’t always be this way, but it hurts everyday.  Most days it’s easier to just take a nap and forget about these problems.

I’m ready to get off this ride.

This roller coaster of a journey has suddenly taken a bad turn. There is track missing that I didn’t see before. It’s going to hurt. Such is life right now. No one said the journey was all about the good positive things. At times its felt like there are just no more tears I can shed. It’s taken almost a week and 1/2 to get to where I feel numb. At times it still hurts so bad that I loose control, I just can’t hold the tears back. But it IS getting better.

Thank you friends for talking to me and helping me get some perspective or being comforting. It’s taken some time for me to realize what I really want or need. Feelings I’ve ignored for years to try to be a better partner, yet failing to do so.  For that I am sorry.  I made many mistakes, we both did.  I hope we come out of this as better people.

Right now I think it is best to go try and see some people, to get out of my current surroundings for a bit.  I hope that I can afford to do so.  I don’t even know all the places I want to go.

As much as I want to leave, the feeling of responsibility is looming.  I feel as if I can’t functionally get it all done.  I know what needs to be done, but picking up the phone to do it is hurtful.  I even had hell trying to make myself dinner.  Not because it was hard, but because it was something I shared and enjoyed.  Now it feels like a reminder of what I don’t have.

It is getting better slowly, VERY slowly.  I know it will pass, but in those times of hurt, it seems really far away.  I will try to be hopeful, but not everyday will be that way.  I can’t thank people enough for being there when I really need a lift up.  I can not do this on my own.

Empty house, silence

I’ve never hurt as bad as I do now.  Going to work doesn’t seem like it was a good idea.  It was not a break from the pain.  Yesterday my brain had only one theme in mind: end the pain permanently.  I could not shut it off, it would not stop.  I am too much of a coward to actually see it through.  I am worried more about hurting others by hurting myself.  Those feelings and thoughts are suppressed for now at least.

All I want right now is comfort.  A simple hug, someone to have dinner with me, something that will help me not feel I am alone.  There is only so much that can be done in text.  I realize not everyone has the capacity or ability to do that (mentally, physically, or otherwise).  I am partially to blame for not going out of my way to seek that.  I don’t want to cry in front of my family.  This is not a pride thing mind you.  Trust with my feelings is something that holds a lot of meaning to me.  I do not trust my family with my feelings gushing out everywhere.  It’s why I didn’t come out to them until much later.  Trust is the foundation upon which I reveal parts of myself to others.  Its also how I form connections to others.  I don’t always do this actively or willingly.  I just know what I can trust to people innately.  But not everyone can emotionally handle a person in my state, and they should not feel that they are obligated to, no matter what level of friendship.  Some are physically too far away to do so.  Other various reasons that I don’t blame anyone for.  I don’t want to replace what I lost.  Just need a hand on my shoulder, a gesture, something to remind me I am not alone.

Logically I know I am not.  But logic is rarely relief.  The feelings of the heart do not care about logic.

Please understand I am not asking anyone for anything.  No one should feel obligated to offer or give any one thing physically, emotionally, or otherwise.  I am alone and don’t know what to do.  Time heals wounds, but I need to stop from bleeding out (mentally)

Out of the tunnel, into the light.

Wow are the words that are coming to mind immediately.  It has been a hell of a week already.  So before my dad got the letter in the mail, I came out to my brother and sister in law.  After talking to my wife, I realized I should tell them just in case dad didn’t take it well.  I was really surprised how accepting they were.  Brother even said “its about time you said something”.  Dad read the letter the next day.  He messaged me, said he read it twice.  Said that he may need to change the way he looks at things.  That he loves me no matter what.  I never expected this.  I was told at work yesterday that I should probably cut my hair.  I had a huge dysphoria attack.  I finally got the bravery to go talk to my boss (she is the director of our department and the one that had gave me the warning).  She was accepting and understood.  Her only request was that I keep it tied back and it look clean.  She was very accepting and did not judge me for it.

I feel like I’ve been overly judgmental about people before I even told them news about me.  Fully expecting a bad reaction without giving them the benefit of a doubt.  Although I had plenty of reason to think otherwise in some cases, I can’t help but feel a bit silly over it.  I had nothing to worry about and have support from everyone I care about.  This is not common for people going through this.  I have read and heard horror stories and that is what scared me a bit.  I knew it would not be easy, but after reading and hearing all of it, I was very hesitant.

This week has been a roller coaster.  Not everything has been great.  I will not name anyone or provide details, but 4 friends have expressed the thought or want to commit suicide.  I’ve never been one to think this is just a cry for attention.  I take it seriously as most of us should.  It hurts to see this happening to people I care about.  I have a problem with empathy.  I feel others pain very easily.  Even those I don’t know that well.  I am compelled to help, but feel unequipped to do so.  I have been there, I’ve had those thoughts and feelings before.  It’s what helped make me decide to make a change.  Not everyone can make a change though due to circumstances beyond peoples control.  This country, no this world should really take mental health more seriously.  There are a lot of us that have mental issues.  No one should be ashamed to admit they can’t handle stress, anxiety, depression.  The world can be a terrible/harsh place.  If you ever have a friend that feels they have no other choice, that there is no alternative, try to talk to them if you can.  Let them know they are loved, no scratch that, tell them now before they feel its too late.  Random acts of kindness go a long way I think.  You don’t have to spend money or anything fancy.  Just tell your friend, family, relative that you love them and like having them around.  It may not seem like much, but it can mean the world when you feel there is nothing you can do to feel better.  If you ever find someone who is in crisis, please find a 24/7 crisis line if you are not able to help.  We often get offended by how others say things or do not have the right words to say to not trigger the person in need.  If you yourself are ever in crisis, remember, you are not alone, you should not be ashamed.  Call for help, please.  Call your friend, call your family, call a crisis line if none of those are working.  You are worth more than what you may think or feel.  Especially to those you love.  Often those that love you forget or don’t know how to express it.  That does not mean its not there.

I want to thank Jessica for the post she put up on her blog here:  https://jessicasboudoire.wordpress.com/2016/04/13/a-little-cheer-in-an-otherwise-dull-week/

She is also on a journey like I am and has to overcome her own issues with family and friends.  I am happy that I could help lift her spirits about coming out.  It may not always be a happy experience.  We may even judge people wrong for it.  But in the end, if we all remember to love, then it can conquer all barriers.  It has to be equal for both sides.  I wish you the best of luck and will always be here throughout your journey Jessica.  And for those friends, scratch that, ALL of my friends, I am here for you as well whatever those issues may be.  Never forget that you are loved by many even if its not shown, even if its not told to you.