The Great Divide

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I have lost friends over this.  I have stopped talking to people.  My circle is tiny now.  There are maybe a handful of people I can call friends.

My worst fear is abandonment.  I feel like once someone gets to know me, they leave.  Either by moving away, by going silent, by ignoring me, etc.  I have been left to many times by people I care about.  I can’t just stop caring about those people, but either they leave me or I have to leave them to be healthy.  When I have to leave, it’s because they want to rely on me to help them out of their emotional hole.  Yet they are unable or unwilling to help themselves.  I can not be dragged down into their despair because I have my own to deal with.  I want to help those I care about, but if they are not willing to put in the effort, what is the point?  I can’t solve problems of others, I can only offer help.  When I see they are trying to pull me down with them, I have to leave.

I wonder if people feel the same way about me and leave me because of the same reasons.  I like to think that I do not try to pull people down with me.  I like to think that I try to fix my own issues and just need someone to listen and acknowledge me from time to time.  I just don’t know.  But I no longer have the friends I use to.  The ones I still have that I consider close are physically so far away.  The ones that are close by physically are new friends that don’t really know me.  That is not their fault though.  I don’t really open up like I use to anymore.  I don’t want to risk being hurt again.  It has happened too much.  I do not want to open up, just to be abandoned like others have done.

I feel stuck, I want close friends again, but either they are unable to or I am unable to open up.  It makes me feel alone a lot.  I know only I can change this, but it doesn’t make the feeling of despair go away.  There is a great divide that seems hard to cross.

Gaming Friends, a letter to you.

I use to game a whole lot as a lot of you know.  I loved when I would stream and have the company of people all over the nation and sometimes world.  It’s fun having that company while gaming and it also helped my social skills.  When I’m not anxious, I am able to just talk to people, even if it’s just a little bit.  Gaming became an obsession.  Come home, hop on the computer and start playing something.  I spent HOURS on games like Smite, Minecraft, various platformers, Star Trek online, and the list goes on.  I also really enjoyed having a collection of retro games and collecting more systems, games, etc.  Was a part of a fun podcast where we talked about games, the gaming industry, shared opinions and just generally had fun with our passion.

Lots of things have changed.  Am I still a gamer, but I haven’t played them very much lately.  Most of you already know why.  But I do miss the community I had helped build.  I am very much still a part of it in some ways, but I feel like I’m being left further and further behind as far as game experiences go.  I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing though.  The obsession I had, for me personally, was not healthy or maintainable.  I spent most of my time gaming and much less on doing anything else.  I was letting life pass me by as I mined endlessly for diamonds or spent hours in online arena battles.  And when not doing that, I was watching stream after stream after stream while doing those other things.  It’s just not maintainable for me anymore.

I love to stream and share experiences with friends.  I love to watch streams and spend time with online friends where we wouldn’t get to hang out otherwise.  I loved making and creating and entertaining when I could.  I loved the jokes, the laughs, the research, the sharing of ideas, all of the social aspects of gaming.  That is what I miss most.  The games are really just a means to an end.  I am a very social gamer.  I want to play with others, not just by myself.  It’s depressing to game alone.  I want to have that fun social interaction with the passions we share.

It’s just not possible to do that anymore.  I am in love with someone very special to me and want to experience more things with her.  I have so many other things going on in “RL” as we all say.  I am getting some of the same social experiences I was getting before without gaming.  I don’t think I will ever stream again.  I try to catch a stream when I can.  I still enjoy the company and conversations I have on occasion with my gaming friends.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss you all.  I am still here and love you all the same as before.  I wish I had more time to spend with you all like before.  But life has changed so much.  I am a much happier person after making some major life changes.  I would not trade it for anything.  But I have not forgotten about you all.  I hope that you have not forgotten about me.

Reflection

As I was cleaning up my desk today, I found something I had wrote on several months ago: 

I feel alone, I feel I am an irritation to others, I want to cry, I don’t want to work on anything, My throat hurts, my head hurts, I want to go home, lock the door and hide from the world.  

A few months ago I was not okay.  I was hurt, felt abandoned, felt like I had no place to turn to and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.  Those feelings seem distant and fleeting.  I still get depressed from time to time, but no where near what it use to be.  I have an abundance of love around me from friends, family and extended family.

Love lost meaning to me for a long time.  Before my first marriage, I had dated and gone out with several girls, but nothing that lasted.  I wanted to find that kind of love from someone.  The kind that is unconditional, the kind you get from someone special.  I thought I had found that.  For the first few years of the relationship I though I understood what love was.  Eventually that faded and the I love you’s became habit and lost all meaning.  Despite that I was still willing to try.  To try and make things better, to deepen the feelings and make them meaningful.  I am not perfect, but I sacrificed a big part of myself to try and make that work.

I realized that its hard to love someone when you do not love yourself.  I started trying to change that.  I started trying to accept who I really am.  Apparently this was too much for the person I was with.  She did not love me despite my flaws.  I was “too much” or “she could not handle someone like me”.  It made me realize that the love she said she had for me was not really there.  I was destroyed for a long time.  Lost and didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to just be alone and suffer.

Luckily I could not let things stay that way.  I went out, tried to meet people at social groups.  Sure it was a BDSM group, but I had to explore the other parts of me that I had hidden away to please someone else.  I started talking to some people.  One person saw I needed help and decided to do something.  So far she has helped me to redefine what love is.  This may or may not have been her intention, but that was the result.  Her family and friends, her unconditional love and affection have helped me realize that I haven’t really known love for a long time.  It’s helped me in my other relationships and helped in building others.  Talking to other people seems easier now with a bit of the self love I’ve gained.

I still have self doubt and some depression.  I know I am not out of the woods yet.  But instead of stumbling in the dark, I have tools to see through and a person to help guide me on to brighter pastures.

Healing

To get better sometimes means feeling the worst of what ails you.

I have been so grateful for meeting a group of friends that have been there through all my emotional issues.  It helps when you have a group with a common interest that can come together.  Not only being accepted, but also looking past the problems and just talking about the thing that we came together for.  Being accepted as part of the group can help when you feel like you are alone.  Especially when your exploring a new part of who you are.

Even with the good, there are the times when I come back home and remember.  Memories tied to things, some material, some digital.  In this case, it was all the digital memories.  Lots of things that were created together.  Pictures, videos, projects, vacations, graphics.  Every part of it a memory of something I no longer have.  It hurt, a lot.

I cried for a while, it was ugly.  I both needed to happen and did not need to.  The emotions need to be let out, but I can’t keep feeling this way when I am alone.  Lately I have been feeling dysphoric at work.  Sometimes causing major anxiety.  I am tired of coming here, wearing this uniform of a person I am not.  A mixture of these two feelings hit me yesterday while I was still at work.  I had to close my office door because I could not control the tears.  I am lucky to have the friends I do, that are willing to listen to me when I am in this much distress.  I can’t thank them enough.

The hurt I felt brought back the issues I’m facing.  I am not over it by a long shot.  The days that are good are increasing in amount, but there are still days that are some of the most hurtful they have ever been.  I know it won’t be fixed overnight.  I am thankful for all the support I have had so far.  I hope that those around me are patient enough to listen when I am having one of those days.  I personally am always there for them, but even if someone says otherwise, I still feel I am a burden.  So much pressure in the world to “feel positive” or “enjoy life”.  You know though, sometimes I am not okay.  Sometimes I am not feeling good.  And that is okay for me to feel that way.  I need to so I can heal.

 

 

Creative Side of Negativity

Do not take this as something to worry about. This is more for creative purposes and may end up in something I make. Its a combination of feelings I’m still working through. Know that I am okay or will be. I have had lots of support and love from good friends and family.

Anguish is a constant companion
Not much solace in sleep
My happiness left when they did.

My foundation has crumbled.
My sanctuary destroyed
My soul withering

What disguise will I wear today?
Is there a difference between myself and the facade.
A perpetual aberration

Masking the anguish
A facade for others sake
Refusing the display of my soul

I’m 12 again…

Hormones can do strange things to you.  I never understood what changes someone goes through when they are going through puberty.  I never knew what a girl might go through in that time of their life…until now.

Before I start, I realize this is my own personal experience.  This does not speak for all girls who have gone through puberty because I can not know what someone else might have experienced.  But some of the stereotypical stuff is happening to me.  I have several crushes on people that I normally would not have had an interest in.  It’s sometimes awkward as I feel like I’m embarrassed to talk to them because I have anxiety from liking them in that way.  I realize this will pass, but the feelings right now are VERY hard to ignore or suppress.

Mood swings are a bit worse at times.  I take things a bit to far in my mind.  I fear situations are one way and worry about them when they are not that way.  Over worrying about what others think about me and thinking every corner that there is hidden drama going on behind my back.  Logically I know this is not what is going on, but again, that feeling is not easy to ignore.

Being alone (as in no partner) is a bit more painful.  Not only because it happened after something so long term, but also because of the heightened emotional state.  I started accounts on dating sites to try and stem some of this, but I feel like it will not be helpful.  I need to try and do something, but often do not know what to do.  I’ve got to at least make an attempt, even if it’s just makes me feel better temporarily. I want to date someone, but I know logically it’s probably not a good idea.

I am tired everyday again, almost falling out of my chair at work.  At home, naps are a godsend.  I have lots of stuff to do at home, but am often too tired to do anything about it.  Last night I ate dinner and fell asleep at 6:30ish.  Did not wake up until 10:30ish that night.  I can say, at least, that the house feels like a safe place for once.  I am not scared to be there.  I am tired of the loneliness I feel when I am there though.  It is comfort in solitude when solitude is not something I want right now.

I am not okay being alone.  Never was.  I am a much different person when I am.  I am lazy and depressed.  I know in time this will change.  I know it won’t always be this way, but it hurts everyday.  Most days it’s easier to just take a nap and forget about these problems.

I’m ready to get off this ride.

This roller coaster of a journey has suddenly taken a bad turn. There is track missing that I didn’t see before. It’s going to hurt. Such is life right now. No one said the journey was all about the good positive things. At times its felt like there are just no more tears I can shed. It’s taken almost a week and 1/2 to get to where I feel numb. At times it still hurts so bad that I loose control, I just can’t hold the tears back. But it IS getting better.

Thank you friends for talking to me and helping me get some perspective or being comforting. It’s taken some time for me to realize what I really want or need. Feelings I’ve ignored for years to try to be a better partner, yet failing to do so.  For that I am sorry.  I made many mistakes, we both did.  I hope we come out of this as better people.

Right now I think it is best to go try and see some people, to get out of my current surroundings for a bit.  I hope that I can afford to do so.  I don’t even know all the places I want to go.

As much as I want to leave, the feeling of responsibility is looming.  I feel as if I can’t functionally get it all done.  I know what needs to be done, but picking up the phone to do it is hurtful.  I even had hell trying to make myself dinner.  Not because it was hard, but because it was something I shared and enjoyed.  Now it feels like a reminder of what I don’t have.

It is getting better slowly, VERY slowly.  I know it will pass, but in those times of hurt, it seems really far away.  I will try to be hopeful, but not everyday will be that way.  I can’t thank people enough for being there when I really need a lift up.  I can not do this on my own.