Not going anywhere

When I think back on the past 6 months, I think wow…I went through a lot of shit in a short time.  I survived.  I get aftershocks of all the things that have happened and some things I will not mention here.  I am still affected by them.  But I continue to be here and breathe.  I have accepted that I am a person who some people will not accept, and that is ok.  I don’t need to change who I am or be someone I am not to please others.  I just need to be genuine to myself and just be.

It’s an odd feeling to have confidence.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not oozing with self empowerment.  But I have confidence where none existed before.  Even the little I have gained is a strange feeling.  I love this feeling, I can feel it in the way I carry myself.  I can really tell when I am not feeling very confident instead of it all being a blur.  I know who I am.  I know what I like and what I hate.  I am not ashamed of it.  Although, I do hide some of it because others might not be able to handle it or may get offended.  If they find out so be it.  I am not going to hide it.  Hell if someone asks I will tell them.  But I am not just going to give that.  People get uncomfortable with things they do not understand.  I am not here for others comfort.  I love my friends and family, but I can’t change who I am.  All I can do is just not bring it up unless it’s important.

I have went through and continue to go through lots of trials.  I am happy I survived and continue to keep on going forward.  I am still dumbfounded by the difference from being one thing most of my life, and now not hiding anymore.

Update Omnibus

Seems like there is a lot going on, yet nothing at all.  Been on hormones for almost a year.  I talked to the local college here, and their law school is going to help me with my name change and gender marker change without extra costs.  Basically I’m just going to pay the court fees, costs to change/update the licence/ss card/etc.  My body changes seemed to have stopped.  I am still taking my hormones, but it seems like they are not having the physical effects.  I have not really been watching my diet, so that might be part of it.

I am feeling better about myself in general, but my gender dysphoria is just as strong as before.  I feel I am going to have to make some physical changes to cure that.  I know and feel positive about myself, but dysphoria is not that simple to just wish away.  It’s a constant reminder of what isn’t.  I know it doesn’t make me any less of a woman, but the feelings of gender dysphoria do not care.

You never know how much you do with someone else till you remember the little things.  The things  you take for granted.  I learned how to cook with someone.  Learned all my grocery buying habits, methods of cooking, techniques, etc.  Cooking with someone else brought up those old feelings.  Never expected a brick wall to hit me in that way.  Although I realize that’s now why I hate cooking for myself.  Its a reminder in the back of my head.  Road trips to places I enjoy are usually good memories, but not lately.  Pictures are a good but sometimes awful reminder of fun times once had.  Places you experienced together, life you lived together sharing new experiences.  Those places and memories hurt.

I started streaming again.  Not a set schedule, just as I can.  Although I was hoping for

butterflyback
Butterfly cutting the day after

more interaction, it has been a while since I’ve streamed.  Also I brought up subjects that most do not know about unless they are into it themselves.  It will take time.  Kink (bdsm) has been a positive thing for me.  Yea, I like physical pain.  It releases endorphins, the bodies natural medicine.  Also with cuttings, it’s nice to see a pretty result of it.  I have a butterfly on my back that’s still visible, as well as a triquatra on my right thigh.

triquatra

Cuttings are similar to tattoos, but not 100% permanent, unless you make them permanent by having them re-cut (which I’m actually thinking about doing).

Being in the type of dynamic I am in is an interesting experience.  I love attending to another persons needs, having to ask for permission to do something, having someone to feel safe enough with to share thoughts and feelings.  If I disappoint them, I feel terrible.  But the praise when I do good is so very good.  The caring and love in this type of relationship is much different than I’ve ever experienced, and it feels good to get it.  I really needed it.  Although I feel like I could do a better job of my daily tasks or follow protocol more strictly.  I am thankful for leniency, but also know that a good kick in the ass helps remind me to do better.

It will be 3 years since mom passed away on the 30th.  I miss her, but I am not always tearing up when I think about her.  I do know that day will not be an easy one though.  There was a lot I didn’t get to talk to her about, and never will be able to have a conversation with her about those things.

Even with the mix of negativity, there is a lot to be happy and thankful for.  I am loved, I am beautiful, I am worthy of the good things coming my way.  I have wonderful, supportive, loving friends and family.  Some of those friends I even consider family.  For all that I’ve lost, I’ve gained so much more.  I will be okay.  Not everyday is good, but I have more good days than bad.  And there is always someone there to listen.

I started a GoFundMe

I started one to help with my transition costs.  Its not cheap to transition, its a tough road that I would not do if it was not needed.  I appreciate the people who have offered the emotional support.  Right now I need a little financial help if people can spare it.  Doesn’t have to be much, every little bit helps.  Thanks in advance and I wish you all the best.

Link: https://www.gofundme.com/2msbztg

Out of the tunnel, into the light.

Wow are the words that are coming to mind immediately.  It has been a hell of a week already.  So before my dad got the letter in the mail, I came out to my brother and sister in law.  After talking to my wife, I realized I should tell them just in case dad didn’t take it well.  I was really surprised how accepting they were.  Brother even said “its about time you said something”.  Dad read the letter the next day.  He messaged me, said he read it twice.  Said that he may need to change the way he looks at things.  That he loves me no matter what.  I never expected this.  I was told at work yesterday that I should probably cut my hair.  I had a huge dysphoria attack.  I finally got the bravery to go talk to my boss (she is the director of our department and the one that had gave me the warning).  She was accepting and understood.  Her only request was that I keep it tied back and it look clean.  She was very accepting and did not judge me for it.

I feel like I’ve been overly judgmental about people before I even told them news about me.  Fully expecting a bad reaction without giving them the benefit of a doubt.  Although I had plenty of reason to think otherwise in some cases, I can’t help but feel a bit silly over it.  I had nothing to worry about and have support from everyone I care about.  This is not common for people going through this.  I have read and heard horror stories and that is what scared me a bit.  I knew it would not be easy, but after reading and hearing all of it, I was very hesitant.

This week has been a roller coaster.  Not everything has been great.  I will not name anyone or provide details, but 4 friends have expressed the thought or want to commit suicide.  I’ve never been one to think this is just a cry for attention.  I take it seriously as most of us should.  It hurts to see this happening to people I care about.  I have a problem with empathy.  I feel others pain very easily.  Even those I don’t know that well.  I am compelled to help, but feel unequipped to do so.  I have been there, I’ve had those thoughts and feelings before.  It’s what helped make me decide to make a change.  Not everyone can make a change though due to circumstances beyond peoples control.  This country, no this world should really take mental health more seriously.  There are a lot of us that have mental issues.  No one should be ashamed to admit they can’t handle stress, anxiety, depression.  The world can be a terrible/harsh place.  If you ever have a friend that feels they have no other choice, that there is no alternative, try to talk to them if you can.  Let them know they are loved, no scratch that, tell them now before they feel its too late.  Random acts of kindness go a long way I think.  You don’t have to spend money or anything fancy.  Just tell your friend, family, relative that you love them and like having them around.  It may not seem like much, but it can mean the world when you feel there is nothing you can do to feel better.  If you ever find someone who is in crisis, please find a 24/7 crisis line if you are not able to help.  We often get offended by how others say things or do not have the right words to say to not trigger the person in need.  If you yourself are ever in crisis, remember, you are not alone, you should not be ashamed.  Call for help, please.  Call your friend, call your family, call a crisis line if none of those are working.  You are worth more than what you may think or feel.  Especially to those you love.  Often those that love you forget or don’t know how to express it.  That does not mean its not there.

I want to thank Jessica for the post she put up on her blog here:  https://jessicasboudoire.wordpress.com/2016/04/13/a-little-cheer-in-an-otherwise-dull-week/

She is also on a journey like I am and has to overcome her own issues with family and friends.  I am happy that I could help lift her spirits about coming out.  It may not always be a happy experience.  We may even judge people wrong for it.  But in the end, if we all remember to love, then it can conquer all barriers.  It has to be equal for both sides.  I wish you the best of luck and will always be here throughout your journey Jessica.  And for those friends, scratch that, ALL of my friends, I am here for you as well whatever those issues may be.  Never forget that you are loved by many even if its not shown, even if its not told to you.

A letter to Dad.

Note:  I am not actually going to send this to my Dad yet.  Maybe soon with some edits, but I need to get the feelings out of my system.

Dear Dad,

I have something I have been afraid to tell you for a long time.   But its come to the point where I need to.

I have been going to the doctor for this since last year.  Talking to a therapist about these issues I’ve been trying to understand.  My wife has gone with me to these sessions with my therapist as well.  Our relationship is much better for it.  Since being on treatment I have started to feel better for once.  Yes you could say that I seemed fine from the outside.  This is hidden pain that none of you have seen.  I didn’t let you see it.  I was too afraid of the judgement because of it.  Ever since starting therapy both medical wise and mentally, I’ve been feeling better.  I am happier.  I am me for once.  I am not bound by anger, frustration, ready to burst at the seams from any and every little thing that goes wrong.  I can’t deny the results.

I still have not told you what is wrong with me.  I can almost feel your judgement before I say a word.  I want you to know this before I say it.  Ever since therapy started, I am a better human being.  I am not constantly depressed, my anxiety is no longer holding me back.  My faith in God has even become stronger because of this.  I don’t expect you to understand me or my issue.  I would hope that you love for me goes beyond your own beliefs and you would attempt to listen or educate yourself on my issue.

I am transgender.  I have been since I was a kid.  I knew then that it was a danger to even show a hint of it.  I have always had the unhappiness in the back of my mind.  A mental cancer that would sometimes physically hurt.  I got tired of hurting all the time.

If you don’t know what that means, transgender people experience a mismatch between their gender identity or gender expression and their assigned sex.  I was born male, but I am not male.  There is a major difference between what is between your legs and who you are.  Its hard I’m sure for people like you, who’s gender aligns with your sex, to understand this.  Mom wanted a girl right?  She got one whether she knew it or not.  I don’t have a choice.  I’ve tried to hide it but I can not live with the constant anxiety, the constant depression or treating everyone around me with hatred.

I bet this both angers and confuses you.  You could see me as a “sinner” or an “abomination”.  I am not here to have a political or religious debate with you.  I will say that for one, there is plenty of evidence that not all things in the bible were translated correctly or taken WAY out of context.  You could say “well it is the word of God, it can’t be wrong”.  Lets think of it this way.  King James version of the bible…why was this created?  Why not the original?  How could this happen?  Free will.  God gave us free will, we will face judgement for it.  But the beauty of free will is that we have a choice to do good or to not.  Man is weak.  That version was changed or mistakes were written in that were possibly unintentional.  http://www.expressionsokc.com/welcome/the-bible-and-homosexuality/

And to be clear.  I am not gay in the same sense you understand it.  I am a transwoman, meaning I was born a man, mentally a woman, and am trying to change my body and chemistry to try and align it to who I am.  I am attracted to women only.  I am not attracted to men.  So let’s think of it this way:  I am a woman attracted to other women, I am lesbian.

You have often said some really shitty things about homosexuals.  Through your words you seem to have lumped anyone of the spectrum that is Lesbian, Gay, Bi, and Transgender people.  And your words are full of hate, hate for something you barely understand.  This is a modern form of prejudice.  Did God not say leave judgement up to him?  I get really pissed off when you mouth off these hateful comments.  You once said you are homophobic.  What are you scared about?  What has someone done to you to make you fear them?  Do they affect your every day life?

You are free to believe what you want.  I don’t control what your beliefs are, I don’t want to try.  You are free to believe that these things are sins.  But you should not use it as a way to hate others or judge them.  That is out right WRONG and against the teachings that I learned from Christianity.  You don’t have to like it, you can say It’s wrong, that is your view or belief.  What you should not do is judge someone for it or use it as a reason to hate someone else.

My biggest fear is that you would disown me.  That you would not want to ever talk to me again, that I would be shunned.  Or almost as bad, you try and convince me I am wrong or that I could change.  Saying you will “pray” for me is the most condescending thing you could say depending on the context.  If you want to pray for me, pray that I find the right answers to my questions about myself.  And that I am shown the right path to becoming who I am so that I don’t go through life hating everything.  Hating every one.  I can’t begin to explain the feelings I have about myself.  I don’t know them well enough to understand it completely myself.  All I know is this:  I was diagnosed with what’s called Gender Dysphoria.  I can not be converted away from it.  The therapy I am receiving both mentally and physically is improving my quality of life.  I am not held back by my anxiety and mental issues.  I am a better person, I am confident, I am sure of myself.  I have never been able to be confident in anything I did.  I have never truly been happy until I started getting therapy.

I love you Dad.  I love you enough to talk to you about this.  I really hope that you can understand or at least try to.  I am not broken.  I don’t want to be judged or told I am sinning.  I am secure in my religious beliefs, I am still christian.  I am who I am, I REFUSE to deny it anymore.  I hope that, pray that, you can love me for all of me.  Love me for who I am as a whole.  You don’t have to agree with me.  Just love me for who I am.  Support me in this really difficult time.  Try and understand my struggles and what I’m going through.

I love you Dad, even with your flaws and faults.  Please return the same to me.

Twitter Tweeting

A collection of what I said on twitter today:

So I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. I’ve had long enough to think about it. First off, I want say, I am not here for others judgement. I am not going to debate if I am right or wrong. All I know is, this is right for me.

The reason I have been absent from youtube and streamed without a cam. I have only recently gone to therapists and doctors to try and help. I’ve delt with it since I was a child and am finally trying to take care of myself.

They diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. I am transgender. Born Male, transitioning to Female.

I have been very lucky to have a very supportive group of people online that have helped me through their support, advice and listening. I really appreciate them so much.

I hope that even though others may not accept my decisions, that I am not judged or berated for them. I dont need anyone to pray for me, I am not crazy. I know exactly what I’m doing and why I need to.

Confused? I am too. But this may help: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender. Also, sex is who you go to bed with. Gender is who you are.

That being said. I love @lostestgamer with all my heart. We have been through a lot during this and she has been my most supportive partner in all of this.

Some of you follow me under another name. First if you feel you were decieved, know it was not intended. I only wanted to express myself freely. I hope that you can understand

@foundgaming1 and @becomingsara_b are both me.