Fear and Blindness

I use to look to you
For everything
You were my life, my focus
I gave you all I had
And some things I didn’t

But you showed what it was worth to you.

Blinded by words
Held back by fear
Living a lie
Just to make someone happy

But I no longer need you
For anything
I dont need you, no longer my focus
I now give you nothing
And take back what I need

I know what I am worth

No longer blind
No longer in fear
Living my life
To make myself happy

I do not need to look to you
For anything
I have my life and things to focus on
I have everything I need
And some of the things I want

I am worth more than what you valued in me

No longer blind
Fear is a memory
It’s my life
I can be happy without you.

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I’m ready to get off this ride.

This roller coaster of a journey has suddenly taken a bad turn. There is track missing that I didn’t see before. It’s going to hurt. Such is life right now. No one said the journey was all about the good positive things. At times its felt like there are just no more tears I can shed. It’s taken almost a week and 1/2 to get to where I feel numb. At times it still hurts so bad that I loose control, I just can’t hold the tears back. But it IS getting better.

Thank you friends for talking to me and helping me get some perspective or being comforting. It’s taken some time for me to realize what I really want or need. Feelings I’ve ignored for years to try to be a better partner, yet failing to do so.  For that I am sorry.  I made many mistakes, we both did.  I hope we come out of this as better people.

Right now I think it is best to go try and see some people, to get out of my current surroundings for a bit.  I hope that I can afford to do so.  I don’t even know all the places I want to go.

As much as I want to leave, the feeling of responsibility is looming.  I feel as if I can’t functionally get it all done.  I know what needs to be done, but picking up the phone to do it is hurtful.  I even had hell trying to make myself dinner.  Not because it was hard, but because it was something I shared and enjoyed.  Now it feels like a reminder of what I don’t have.

It is getting better slowly, VERY slowly.  I know it will pass, but in those times of hurt, it seems really far away.  I will try to be hopeful, but not everyday will be that way.  I can’t thank people enough for being there when I really need a lift up.  I can not do this on my own.

Empty house, silence

I’ve never hurt as bad as I do now.  Going to work doesn’t seem like it was a good idea.  It was not a break from the pain.  Yesterday my brain had only one theme in mind: end the pain permanently.  I could not shut it off, it would not stop.  I am too much of a coward to actually see it through.  I am worried more about hurting others by hurting myself.  Those feelings and thoughts are suppressed for now at least.

All I want right now is comfort.  A simple hug, someone to have dinner with me, something that will help me not feel I am alone.  There is only so much that can be done in text.  I realize not everyone has the capacity or ability to do that (mentally, physically, or otherwise).  I am partially to blame for not going out of my way to seek that.  I don’t want to cry in front of my family.  This is not a pride thing mind you.  Trust with my feelings is something that holds a lot of meaning to me.  I do not trust my family with my feelings gushing out everywhere.  It’s why I didn’t come out to them until much later.  Trust is the foundation upon which I reveal parts of myself to others.  Its also how I form connections to others.  I don’t always do this actively or willingly.  I just know what I can trust to people innately.  But not everyone can emotionally handle a person in my state, and they should not feel that they are obligated to, no matter what level of friendship.  Some are physically too far away to do so.  Other various reasons that I don’t blame anyone for.  I don’t want to replace what I lost.  Just need a hand on my shoulder, a gesture, something to remind me I am not alone.

Logically I know I am not.  But logic is rarely relief.  The feelings of the heart do not care about logic.

Please understand I am not asking anyone for anything.  No one should feel obligated to offer or give any one thing physically, emotionally, or otherwise.  I am alone and don’t know what to do.  Time heals wounds, but I need to stop from bleeding out (mentally)

Broken

Today I lost the person I care about most.  Our relationship is over.  I am lost, thoughts of terrible things going through my being.  I hope that the separation doesn’t hurt our friends or that they think ill of me or her.  I do not know how to continue other than feel pain right now.  Time may not heal this wound.  As much as I hate to copy others works, this songs lyrics are very relevant to me. 

Nine Inch Nalis – Hurt
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way