Reflection

As I was cleaning up my desk today, I found something I had wrote on several months ago: 

I feel alone, I feel I am an irritation to others, I want to cry, I don’t want to work on anything, My throat hurts, my head hurts, I want to go home, lock the door and hide from the world.  

A few months ago I was not okay.  I was hurt, felt abandoned, felt like I had no place to turn to and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.  Those feelings seem distant and fleeting.  I still get depressed from time to time, but no where near what it use to be.  I have an abundance of love around me from friends, family and extended family.

Love lost meaning to me for a long time.  Before my first marriage, I had dated and gone out with several girls, but nothing that lasted.  I wanted to find that kind of love from someone.  The kind that is unconditional, the kind you get from someone special.  I thought I had found that.  For the first few years of the relationship I though I understood what love was.  Eventually that faded and the I love you’s became habit and lost all meaning.  Despite that I was still willing to try.  To try and make things better, to deepen the feelings and make them meaningful.  I am not perfect, but I sacrificed a big part of myself to try and make that work.

I realized that its hard to love someone when you do not love yourself.  I started trying to change that.  I started trying to accept who I really am.  Apparently this was too much for the person I was with.  She did not love me despite my flaws.  I was “too much” or “she could not handle someone like me”.  It made me realize that the love she said she had for me was not really there.  I was destroyed for a long time.  Lost and didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to just be alone and suffer.

Luckily I could not let things stay that way.  I went out, tried to meet people at social groups.  Sure it was a BDSM group, but I had to explore the other parts of me that I had hidden away to please someone else.  I started talking to some people.  One person saw I needed help and decided to do something.  So far she has helped me to redefine what love is.  This may or may not have been her intention, but that was the result.  Her family and friends, her unconditional love and affection have helped me realize that I haven’t really known love for a long time.  It’s helped me in my other relationships and helped in building others.  Talking to other people seems easier now with a bit of the self love I’ve gained.

I still have self doubt and some depression.  I know I am not out of the woods yet.  But instead of stumbling in the dark, I have tools to see through and a person to help guide me on to brighter pastures.

Update Omnibus

Seems like there is a lot going on, yet nothing at all.  Been on hormones for almost a year.  I talked to the local college here, and their law school is going to help me with my name change and gender marker change without extra costs.  Basically I’m just going to pay the court fees, costs to change/update the licence/ss card/etc.  My body changes seemed to have stopped.  I am still taking my hormones, but it seems like they are not having the physical effects.  I have not really been watching my diet, so that might be part of it.

I am feeling better about myself in general, but my gender dysphoria is just as strong as before.  I feel I am going to have to make some physical changes to cure that.  I know and feel positive about myself, but dysphoria is not that simple to just wish away.  It’s a constant reminder of what isn’t.  I know it doesn’t make me any less of a woman, but the feelings of gender dysphoria do not care.

You never know how much you do with someone else till you remember the little things.  The things  you take for granted.  I learned how to cook with someone.  Learned all my grocery buying habits, methods of cooking, techniques, etc.  Cooking with someone else brought up those old feelings.  Never expected a brick wall to hit me in that way.  Although I realize that’s now why I hate cooking for myself.  Its a reminder in the back of my head.  Road trips to places I enjoy are usually good memories, but not lately.  Pictures are a good but sometimes awful reminder of fun times once had.  Places you experienced together, life you lived together sharing new experiences.  Those places and memories hurt.

I started streaming again.  Not a set schedule, just as I can.  Although I was hoping for

butterflyback
Butterfly cutting the day after

more interaction, it has been a while since I’ve streamed.  Also I brought up subjects that most do not know about unless they are into it themselves.  It will take time.  Kink (bdsm) has been a positive thing for me.  Yea, I like physical pain.  It releases endorphins, the bodies natural medicine.  Also with cuttings, it’s nice to see a pretty result of it.  I have a butterfly on my back that’s still visible, as well as a triquatra on my right thigh.

triquatra

Cuttings are similar to tattoos, but not 100% permanent, unless you make them permanent by having them re-cut (which I’m actually thinking about doing).

Being in the type of dynamic I am in is an interesting experience.  I love attending to another persons needs, having to ask for permission to do something, having someone to feel safe enough with to share thoughts and feelings.  If I disappoint them, I feel terrible.  But the praise when I do good is so very good.  The caring and love in this type of relationship is much different than I’ve ever experienced, and it feels good to get it.  I really needed it.  Although I feel like I could do a better job of my daily tasks or follow protocol more strictly.  I am thankful for leniency, but also know that a good kick in the ass helps remind me to do better.

It will be 3 years since mom passed away on the 30th.  I miss her, but I am not always tearing up when I think about her.  I do know that day will not be an easy one though.  There was a lot I didn’t get to talk to her about, and never will be able to have a conversation with her about those things.

Even with the mix of negativity, there is a lot to be happy and thankful for.  I am loved, I am beautiful, I am worthy of the good things coming my way.  I have wonderful, supportive, loving friends and family.  Some of those friends I even consider family.  For all that I’ve lost, I’ve gained so much more.  I will be okay.  Not everyday is good, but I have more good days than bad.  And there is always someone there to listen.