A letter to Dad.

Note:  I am not actually going to send this to my Dad yet.  Maybe soon with some edits, but I need to get the feelings out of my system.

Dear Dad,

I have something I have been afraid to tell you for a long time.   But its come to the point where I need to.

I have been going to the doctor for this since last year.  Talking to a therapist about these issues I’ve been trying to understand.  My wife has gone with me to these sessions with my therapist as well.  Our relationship is much better for it.  Since being on treatment I have started to feel better for once.  Yes you could say that I seemed fine from the outside.  This is hidden pain that none of you have seen.  I didn’t let you see it.  I was too afraid of the judgement because of it.  Ever since starting therapy both medical wise and mentally, I’ve been feeling better.  I am happier.  I am me for once.  I am not bound by anger, frustration, ready to burst at the seams from any and every little thing that goes wrong.  I can’t deny the results.

I still have not told you what is wrong with me.  I can almost feel your judgement before I say a word.  I want you to know this before I say it.  Ever since therapy started, I am a better human being.  I am not constantly depressed, my anxiety is no longer holding me back.  My faith in God has even become stronger because of this.  I don’t expect you to understand me or my issue.  I would hope that you love for me goes beyond your own beliefs and you would attempt to listen or educate yourself on my issue.

I am transgender.  I have been since I was a kid.  I knew then that it was a danger to even show a hint of it.  I have always had the unhappiness in the back of my mind.  A mental cancer that would sometimes physically hurt.  I got tired of hurting all the time.

If you don’t know what that means, transgender people experience a mismatch between their gender identity or gender expression and their assigned sex.  I was born male, but I am not male.  There is a major difference between what is between your legs and who you are.  Its hard I’m sure for people like you, who’s gender aligns with your sex, to understand this.  Mom wanted a girl right?  She got one whether she knew it or not.  I don’t have a choice.  I’ve tried to hide it but I can not live with the constant anxiety, the constant depression or treating everyone around me with hatred.

I bet this both angers and confuses you.  You could see me as a “sinner” or an “abomination”.  I am not here to have a political or religious debate with you.  I will say that for one, there is plenty of evidence that not all things in the bible were translated correctly or taken WAY out of context.  You could say “well it is the word of God, it can’t be wrong”.  Lets think of it this way.  King James version of the bible…why was this created?  Why not the original?  How could this happen?  Free will.  God gave us free will, we will face judgement for it.  But the beauty of free will is that we have a choice to do good or to not.  Man is weak.  That version was changed or mistakes were written in that were possibly unintentional.  http://www.expressionsokc.com/welcome/the-bible-and-homosexuality/

And to be clear.  I am not gay in the same sense you understand it.  I am a transwoman, meaning I was born a man, mentally a woman, and am trying to change my body and chemistry to try and align it to who I am.  I am attracted to women only.  I am not attracted to men.  So let’s think of it this way:  I am a woman attracted to other women, I am lesbian.

You have often said some really shitty things about homosexuals.  Through your words you seem to have lumped anyone of the spectrum that is Lesbian, Gay, Bi, and Transgender people.  And your words are full of hate, hate for something you barely understand.  This is a modern form of prejudice.  Did God not say leave judgement up to him?  I get really pissed off when you mouth off these hateful comments.  You once said you are homophobic.  What are you scared about?  What has someone done to you to make you fear them?  Do they affect your every day life?

You are free to believe what you want.  I don’t control what your beliefs are, I don’t want to try.  You are free to believe that these things are sins.  But you should not use it as a way to hate others or judge them.  That is out right WRONG and against the teachings that I learned from Christianity.  You don’t have to like it, you can say It’s wrong, that is your view or belief.  What you should not do is judge someone for it or use it as a reason to hate someone else.

My biggest fear is that you would disown me.  That you would not want to ever talk to me again, that I would be shunned.  Or almost as bad, you try and convince me I am wrong or that I could change.  Saying you will “pray” for me is the most condescending thing you could say depending on the context.  If you want to pray for me, pray that I find the right answers to my questions about myself.  And that I am shown the right path to becoming who I am so that I don’t go through life hating everything.  Hating every one.  I can’t begin to explain the feelings I have about myself.  I don’t know them well enough to understand it completely myself.  All I know is this:  I was diagnosed with what’s called Gender Dysphoria.  I can not be converted away from it.  The therapy I am receiving both mentally and physically is improving my quality of life.  I am not held back by my anxiety and mental issues.  I am a better person, I am confident, I am sure of myself.  I have never been able to be confident in anything I did.  I have never truly been happy until I started getting therapy.

I love you Dad.  I love you enough to talk to you about this.  I really hope that you can understand or at least try to.  I am not broken.  I don’t want to be judged or told I am sinning.  I am secure in my religious beliefs, I am still christian.  I am who I am, I REFUSE to deny it anymore.  I hope that, pray that, you can love me for all of me.  Love me for who I am as a whole.  You don’t have to agree with me.  Just love me for who I am.  Support me in this really difficult time.  Try and understand my struggles and what I’m going through.

I love you Dad, even with your flaws and faults.  Please return the same to me.

The journey is always longer than expected.


The goal always seems so far away…

I am relaxed for once at work.  First time in a long time that I haven’t had a bit of anxiety.  I have not had a relaxing vacation in a long time (relaxing for the mind at least).  I am even working on sort of difficult stuff and its really not affecting my mood too much.  I usually get a bit annoyed, anxious and start freaking out that I did something wrong.  Today, meh, just in the “got to get things done correct” mode.  I even made a mistake and it did not affect me as much as it usually does.  I also got to cure my collecting fix, eat some good food, and have great laughs with twitter friends.  I really needed this.  To be around like minded people who are just accepting from the get go and just want to have a good time.  I like spending time with current friends that are close by, but those times a few and far between because of their schedules being busy, having jobs, or other things.  Also it’s not often you get to go on trips like this with your friends because of the above reasons.

Most of the weekend I was in female mode or semi-female mode.  It was a bit liberating to be myself for so long.  Although I was still very nervous in front of strangers.  As the weekend went on, with some help from online friends and some kind words, I relaxed a bit.  I even got some cute pictures.  One ended up online, although I am not sure anyone can tell.  I did go a little light on makeup because I figured I would be hot.  I think I am on the down hill part of my journey as far as the chemically induced emotions go.  Things are starting to seem more normal and not so out of control.  I still have mood swings, but it seems like those are lessening a bit.  Also got my prescription moved to a not as stupid pharmacy.

I really don’t like how people in the medical profession (doctors, prescribers, office staff, etc.) are so rude to some people for no good reason.  I get not all people are like this.  People have bad days and can’t always be expected to greet you with a smile.  They have emotions and carry the weight of their problems.  What I am talking about is the disrespect and not giving a shit about it.  People hate their jobs sometimes.  I get that.  But like any business, your customers are important.  In this case, you are talking about things that directly affect a persons body.  I for one take it very seriously and don’t have as much patience as I probably should.  I am lucky that I am not in physical pain or have cancer.  People with these types of diseases that get treated to terrible medical staff must be devastating.  I would probably flip out and cause myself even more stress.  I think when its something like this that directly affects how you feel, you take it so personally, even something said by a medical professional that is innocuous could be taken as a slight.  Its best to have a bit of patience with people who do these jobs.  But its also very important that these workers also offer patience just the same.  Patients do stupid shit.  But office staff fuck up just as much.  We are all human.

Today I am really feeling the pressure inside myself to just tell everyone who doesn’t know about me.  I want to get it over with, I want to know who will accept me and who wont.  I know who does to some extent, specifically the ones I’ve already talked to about it.  Why is that not enough?  I still feel held back by the fact I have to keep it from the world.  I feel like I could use a bit of patience that I don’t have.  I know its not a race.  But that feeling is harder to ignore as days go by.  From 8am to 5pm, I absolutely hate how I have to dress.  The costume is getting heavy and old.  I want it off as soon as I get home.  I am constantly distressed by stupid things like my facial hair growing back just as fast as before.  I want it gone forever.  It hurts to shave it as often as I want it gone.  Alternatives for permanent removal are expensive.   I want to let my hair down instead of having to slick it back all the time.  It’s actually getting harder to hide the fact I have long hair.  I have to use bobby pins to keep it tied up.  I get a little sad every morning when I look at my hair after brushed.  I look at it and think “wow, it actually looks good like this, but I have to ruin it”

It feels vain to worry and think about my appearance.  Before I never cared because I hated how I looked anyway.  Which in turn made me hate myself.  Now though.  Every time I get a glimpse of what I could be, what I want to be, I feel a little better.  I have a little hope, it makes my day.  It’s hard to describe without sounding like I’m having a vanity crisis.  I am not who I want to be yet.  I do not look like that person, therefore I do not feel like that person.  But I am just starting to see that person for the first time.  Maybe if I just tell everyone I will become that person a little bit more.  At least, that’s what it feels like inside.  The more I look even a little female, the better I feel about myself, even if I am scared to show it due to fear of judgement.

I never liked anything about myself being male.  I know that not all people like me experience this.  It is unique to my journey.  I would love to be as far away from my male side as possible.  And that feeling grows stronger everyday, sometimes its painful.  I don’t hate males though.  They are great friends.  The entire male stereotype to myself specifically, is not for me.  Thankfully my male friends both online and offline don’t push these traits on others.  But society as a whole does.  It’s not easy to ignore the expectations society puts on genders.  It’s not fair, ridiculous and should end.  But I don’t see that happening overnight.

It has taken a lot of my energy to be ok with who I am, with some changes of course.  But I can safely say, I’m getting there.  I’m closer than I’ve ever been in my life.