Reflection

As I was cleaning up my desk today, I found something I had wrote on several months ago: 

I feel alone, I feel I am an irritation to others, I want to cry, I don’t want to work on anything, My throat hurts, my head hurts, I want to go home, lock the door and hide from the world.  

A few months ago I was not okay.  I was hurt, felt abandoned, felt like I had no place to turn to and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.  Those feelings seem distant and fleeting.  I still get depressed from time to time, but no where near what it use to be.  I have an abundance of love around me from friends, family and extended family.

Love lost meaning to me for a long time.  Before my first marriage, I had dated and gone out with several girls, but nothing that lasted.  I wanted to find that kind of love from someone.  The kind that is unconditional, the kind you get from someone special.  I thought I had found that.  For the first few years of the relationship I though I understood what love was.  Eventually that faded and the I love you’s became habit and lost all meaning.  Despite that I was still willing to try.  To try and make things better, to deepen the feelings and make them meaningful.  I am not perfect, but I sacrificed a big part of myself to try and make that work.

I realized that its hard to love someone when you do not love yourself.  I started trying to change that.  I started trying to accept who I really am.  Apparently this was too much for the person I was with.  She did not love me despite my flaws.  I was “too much” or “she could not handle someone like me”.  It made me realize that the love she said she had for me was not really there.  I was destroyed for a long time.  Lost and didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to just be alone and suffer.

Luckily I could not let things stay that way.  I went out, tried to meet people at social groups.  Sure it was a BDSM group, but I had to explore the other parts of me that I had hidden away to please someone else.  I started talking to some people.  One person saw I needed help and decided to do something.  So far she has helped me to redefine what love is.  This may or may not have been her intention, but that was the result.  Her family and friends, her unconditional love and affection have helped me realize that I haven’t really known love for a long time.  It’s helped me in my other relationships and helped in building others.  Talking to other people seems easier now with a bit of the self love I’ve gained.

I still have self doubt and some depression.  I know I am not out of the woods yet.  But instead of stumbling in the dark, I have tools to see through and a person to help guide me on to brighter pastures.

Update Omnibus

Seems like there is a lot going on, yet nothing at all.  Been on hormones for almost a year.  I talked to the local college here, and their law school is going to help me with my name change and gender marker change without extra costs.  Basically I’m just going to pay the court fees, costs to change/update the licence/ss card/etc.  My body changes seemed to have stopped.  I am still taking my hormones, but it seems like they are not having the physical effects.  I have not really been watching my diet, so that might be part of it.

I am feeling better about myself in general, but my gender dysphoria is just as strong as before.  I feel I am going to have to make some physical changes to cure that.  I know and feel positive about myself, but dysphoria is not that simple to just wish away.  It’s a constant reminder of what isn’t.  I know it doesn’t make me any less of a woman, but the feelings of gender dysphoria do not care.

You never know how much you do with someone else till you remember the little things.  The things  you take for granted.  I learned how to cook with someone.  Learned all my grocery buying habits, methods of cooking, techniques, etc.  Cooking with someone else brought up those old feelings.  Never expected a brick wall to hit me in that way.  Although I realize that’s now why I hate cooking for myself.  Its a reminder in the back of my head.  Road trips to places I enjoy are usually good memories, but not lately.  Pictures are a good but sometimes awful reminder of fun times once had.  Places you experienced together, life you lived together sharing new experiences.  Those places and memories hurt.

I started streaming again.  Not a set schedule, just as I can.  Although I was hoping for

butterflyback
Butterfly cutting the day after

more interaction, it has been a while since I’ve streamed.  Also I brought up subjects that most do not know about unless they are into it themselves.  It will take time.  Kink (bdsm) has been a positive thing for me.  Yea, I like physical pain.  It releases endorphins, the bodies natural medicine.  Also with cuttings, it’s nice to see a pretty result of it.  I have a butterfly on my back that’s still visible, as well as a triquatra on my right thigh.

triquatra

Cuttings are similar to tattoos, but not 100% permanent, unless you make them permanent by having them re-cut (which I’m actually thinking about doing).

Being in the type of dynamic I am in is an interesting experience.  I love attending to another persons needs, having to ask for permission to do something, having someone to feel safe enough with to share thoughts and feelings.  If I disappoint them, I feel terrible.  But the praise when I do good is so very good.  The caring and love in this type of relationship is much different than I’ve ever experienced, and it feels good to get it.  I really needed it.  Although I feel like I could do a better job of my daily tasks or follow protocol more strictly.  I am thankful for leniency, but also know that a good kick in the ass helps remind me to do better.

It will be 3 years since mom passed away on the 30th.  I miss her, but I am not always tearing up when I think about her.  I do know that day will not be an easy one though.  There was a lot I didn’t get to talk to her about, and never will be able to have a conversation with her about those things.

Even with the mix of negativity, there is a lot to be happy and thankful for.  I am loved, I am beautiful, I am worthy of the good things coming my way.  I have wonderful, supportive, loving friends and family.  Some of those friends I even consider family.  For all that I’ve lost, I’ve gained so much more.  I will be okay.  Not everyday is good, but I have more good days than bad.  And there is always someone there to listen.

Trapped

I tend to be inside my own head a lot.  Thinking about things, assessing things, playing a song in my head, thinking about lunch, etc.  Often I am so far entrenched that I barely notice others around me.  I have learned to do this over the years.  To constantly ignore the outside world to protect myself.  I am hyper-aware of my surroundings, but often put effort into ignoring it to protect myself.

I have a very vivid imagination.  Often I will put myself in a situation or place where I am constantly/silently playing.  My mind stays occupied so much that sometimes small things can surprise me.  When I do not do this, I feel as if every person who passes me by is staring at me, perhaps judging me.  I feel the stares of others, it’s hard not to.  I tend to hide my face, look the other way, or put my head down so I don’t have to meet their gaze.

Hyper-awareness is a blessing and a curse.  I typically have to turn it off or down some so that the anxiety does not invade and make me feel awful.

This is the typical norm that I default to.  It’s learned behavior that is hard to break.  I know that I don’t have to do this.  It’s unnecessary but it is VERY hard to break the cycle.  It is not for lack of trying.  I use to drink to turn it completely off, but that’s hardly a solution and pretty dangerous at that.  Especially since I am diabetic.  I shouldn’t be drinking much if at all.  I tried using someone else talking for me to open up conversation.  That’s not a solution either as it causes other complications and sometimes resentment.  I tried just talking myself and I trip over my own words or don’t know what to say.  I often don’t know what I could add to a conversation.  Especially if it’s about stuff I know nothing about.

I have been blamed for being clingy.  I tend to stay close to those I trust with my feelings and words.  I am open with those I trust and will talk with them openly, but when around strangers, I clam up.  I just can’t get words out.  And when I do, it’s one or two things and the conversation moves on as if I said nothing.  Or if I do say something more than a few sentences, I lose track of what I’m talking about and get overly anxious.

The place inside my head is safe.  It doesn’t challenge me to try to be social.  I have done it for too long and have never really learned how to interact with people I feel.  At least not in person.  I am sure I will be told with practice that I will be better able to communicate.  I just don’t know where to start.  I am impatient and lazy.  I know there is no easy answer to this.  The work needs to be done and I can not imagine it away.  I need to talk to people.  I need to be more social.  Or I will continue to be a prisoner inside my head.

Nothing

I have run out of things I care to share publicly.  I still write, a lot even.  The time for making it public is done.  Not that I don’t want to share things with people.  But I have nothing good to share.  I may come back and write again, but for now, there is nothing to say.  I can not help but protect myself at this crucial moment.  I am in pain still, it’s different every day.  But I can’t continue to share it here.  It’s just too personal.

Healing

To get better sometimes means feeling the worst of what ails you.

I have been so grateful for meeting a group of friends that have been there through all my emotional issues.  It helps when you have a group with a common interest that can come together.  Not only being accepted, but also looking past the problems and just talking about the thing that we came together for.  Being accepted as part of the group can help when you feel like you are alone.  Especially when your exploring a new part of who you are.

Even with the good, there are the times when I come back home and remember.  Memories tied to things, some material, some digital.  In this case, it was all the digital memories.  Lots of things that were created together.  Pictures, videos, projects, vacations, graphics.  Every part of it a memory of something I no longer have.  It hurt, a lot.

I cried for a while, it was ugly.  I both needed to happen and did not need to.  The emotions need to be let out, but I can’t keep feeling this way when I am alone.  Lately I have been feeling dysphoric at work.  Sometimes causing major anxiety.  I am tired of coming here, wearing this uniform of a person I am not.  A mixture of these two feelings hit me yesterday while I was still at work.  I had to close my office door because I could not control the tears.  I am lucky to have the friends I do, that are willing to listen to me when I am in this much distress.  I can’t thank them enough.

The hurt I felt brought back the issues I’m facing.  I am not over it by a long shot.  The days that are good are increasing in amount, but there are still days that are some of the most hurtful they have ever been.  I know it won’t be fixed overnight.  I am thankful for all the support I have had so far.  I hope that those around me are patient enough to listen when I am having one of those days.  I personally am always there for them, but even if someone says otherwise, I still feel I am a burden.  So much pressure in the world to “feel positive” or “enjoy life”.  You know though, sometimes I am not okay.  Sometimes I am not feeling good.  And that is okay for me to feel that way.  I need to so I can heal.

 

 

Creative Side of Negativity

Do not take this as something to worry about. This is more for creative purposes and may end up in something I make. Its a combination of feelings I’m still working through. Know that I am okay or will be. I have had lots of support and love from good friends and family.

Anguish is a constant companion
Not much solace in sleep
My happiness left when they did.

My foundation has crumbled.
My sanctuary destroyed
My soul withering

What disguise will I wear today?
Is there a difference between myself and the facade.
A perpetual aberration

Masking the anguish
A facade for others sake
Refusing the display of my soul

I’m 12 again…

Hormones can do strange things to you.  I never understood what changes someone goes through when they are going through puberty.  I never knew what a girl might go through in that time of their life…until now.

Before I start, I realize this is my own personal experience.  This does not speak for all girls who have gone through puberty because I can not know what someone else might have experienced.  But some of the stereotypical stuff is happening to me.  I have several crushes on people that I normally would not have had an interest in.  It’s sometimes awkward as I feel like I’m embarrassed to talk to them because I have anxiety from liking them in that way.  I realize this will pass, but the feelings right now are VERY hard to ignore or suppress.

Mood swings are a bit worse at times.  I take things a bit to far in my mind.  I fear situations are one way and worry about them when they are not that way.  Over worrying about what others think about me and thinking every corner that there is hidden drama going on behind my back.  Logically I know this is not what is going on, but again, that feeling is not easy to ignore.

Being alone (as in no partner) is a bit more painful.  Not only because it happened after something so long term, but also because of the heightened emotional state.  I started accounts on dating sites to try and stem some of this, but I feel like it will not be helpful.  I need to try and do something, but often do not know what to do.  I’ve got to at least make an attempt, even if it’s just makes me feel better temporarily. I want to date someone, but I know logically it’s probably not a good idea.

I am tired everyday again, almost falling out of my chair at work.  At home, naps are a godsend.  I have lots of stuff to do at home, but am often too tired to do anything about it.  Last night I ate dinner and fell asleep at 6:30ish.  Did not wake up until 10:30ish that night.  I can say, at least, that the house feels like a safe place for once.  I am not scared to be there.  I am tired of the loneliness I feel when I am there though.  It is comfort in solitude when solitude is not something I want right now.

I am not okay being alone.  Never was.  I am a much different person when I am.  I am lazy and depressed.  I know in time this will change.  I know it won’t always be this way, but it hurts everyday.  Most days it’s easier to just take a nap and forget about these problems.