FTW…Hatred of Things

For the longest time, FTW to me never meant for the win.  It meant fuck the world.  Fuck it for its judgments, its prejudices, its awful situations and people.  It was a philosophy that I followed almost like dogma.  I was bullied a lot growing up.  You build ways to cope with them, good or bad.  Mine was to shun the world and accept my place as an outcast.  Not worth the oxygen I breath.  Yet I still remained, to scared to end it all.  It turned into a protest.  Silent, but strong.  I exist, therefore you have to deal with this retched piece of shit.  I am here to represent what you hate, what  you loathe.

This was a pretty toxic way of thinking for me.  Self destructive even.  Emotions can not be hidden.  They build up inside and add pressure until you burst.  I said I did not care, I drank the hidden pain away, I smoked myself stupid to not think about it.  I hit things when I could not hold it in any longer.  I stopped giving a damn about how I looked or what I did.  Work/Career were meaningless.  I hated the world I lived in and most of the people in it.

I had a few friends.  Some even shared my pain.  But I had friends because I needed to belong to something.  If you were my friend then, I trusted you.  You had access to things I told no one.  You betray that, I erased you from existence in my mind.  I would even make it hard to call me, or even see me.  Moved a few times because of it.  If it weren’t for those friends though.  I would still be lost.

A friend of mine wanted to look for girls online.  I had a free AOL account and said, sure, come on by.  Talked to some people, found one girl who knew someone we knew from a former call center job.  Decided to talk to her.  He found out she was 16 and moved on.  Me being a bored fuck, decided to just talk to her anyway.  Its not like I was interested in sex.  I was 20 living in my parents house and still a virgin.  I gave up LONG ago.

We started to talk a bit online.  Eventually talking on the phone.  This girl was really cool.  Had some of the same interests and feelings like I did.  I found a kindred soul.  None of my friends and I saw everything eye to eye.  So this was a strange but amazing change.  We talked more and more.  Sometimes for most of the night.  Felt good to express the issues I think about and worry about.  The deeper parts of my thoughts I try to drink away, that I don’t always want to remember.

One day…she wanted to meet me.  I didn’t know what to say or think other than I was excited.  A friend in another town that I can hang out with!  I thought this might be the beginning of a different  group of people who I could become associated with, befriend, etc.  Finally get out of my small home town for once.  She came over, with a friend.  I was outside, apparently they did not see me.  I ran up to the car…scared the shit out of them.  I thought they saw me.  (great first impression idiot).  After some apologies and what not, took a ride with them.  I was so nervous.  They went in the wrong direction…i wondered why.  I finally asked them after 10 minutes.  They were lost.  Finally made it to their town after a laugh and an anxiety inducing time for me.

That’s how I first met Lost.  A random, unintended encounter.  I never would have known that she would be the one.  She was my light out of the tunnel of self loathing and hatred.  She gave me confidence, taught me how to cook (parents suck at cooking).  I am a better person with her.

I still hated the world.

Something was still not right.  This anger, hatred, loathing.  It was not going away.  I was able to show love and other emotions.  But when it went south, the anger came forth.  FTW this is stupid, these people are trash, fuck it all.  I started going to therapy.  It helped a little.  I was not the stupid one, my actions are.  It helped me hate a bit less and realize that I have done this to myself.  I started to see that the FTW attitude was not working and has never worked.  I thought I needed a different job, a new start.  Lost losing a job helped push this.

Found a job here, a good one!  A boss who respects his co-workers, treats you with respect, good pay.  It was what I thought I needed.  Lost came with me after 3 long months.  She found the job she wanted as well!  Things seemed great.  Losts job was soul crushing with awful people and politics.  Mine was not hard, but I have to deal literally with politicians.  She lost her job because of stupid reasons.  Got another one at another soul crushing place.  I felt bad.  Almost like our roles were switched career wise.  I hated my last job.

Mom passed away.

It didn’t happen at first.  But eventually I realized something broke in me, something shattered.  I cared about the world the entire time.  I lied to myself about not caring.  I hated the things that happened in it that were unfair to me.  Unfair to my family and friends.  It hurt me every time I heard a bad thing happening, or when I saw it.  The pain came back.  It was all bottled up.  The pressure is still present now.  I have been slowly letting off the steam.  I finally decided to try to be happy.

I’ve known about my gender issues for a long time.  Its the source of some of my anger, hatred and frustration.  Getting beat up in school because I’m not tough.  Beat up or made fun of because I was different.  Being jealous of not being able to express myself at home or in public.  It soured my world view.  Now that I’m on this journey, The steam, the pressure is coming off.  It’s a mood swing there, a cry here, so on and so on.  For the first time in my life I can see the good in the world.  Not just hatred.  I no longer want to say fuck the world for all the things in it.  I am thankful to be a part of it.  To see the beauty for what it is and not be drowned in the darkness of sorrow and self loathing.

Twitter Tweeting

A collection of what I said on twitter today:

So I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. I’ve had long enough to think about it. First off, I want say, I am not here for others judgement. I am not going to debate if I am right or wrong. All I know is, this is right for me.

The reason I have been absent from youtube and streamed without a cam. I have only recently gone to therapists and doctors to try and help. I’ve delt with it since I was a child and am finally trying to take care of myself.

They diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. I am transgender. Born Male, transitioning to Female.

I have been very lucky to have a very supportive group of people online that have helped me through their support, advice and listening. I really appreciate them so much.

I hope that even though others may not accept my decisions, that I am not judged or berated for them. I dont need anyone to pray for me, I am not crazy. I know exactly what I’m doing and why I need to.

Confused? I am too. But this may help: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender. Also, sex is who you go to bed with. Gender is who you are.

That being said. I love @lostestgamer with all my heart. We have been through a lot during this and she has been my most supportive partner in all of this.

Some of you follow me under another name. First if you feel you were decieved, know it was not intended. I only wanted to express myself freely. I hope that you can understand

@foundgaming1 and @becomingsara_b are both me.

The journey is always longer than expected.

journey

The goal always seems so far away…

I am relaxed for once at work.  First time in a long time that I haven’t had a bit of anxiety.  I have not had a relaxing vacation in a long time (relaxing for the mind at least).  I am even working on sort of difficult stuff and its really not affecting my mood too much.  I usually get a bit annoyed, anxious and start freaking out that I did something wrong.  Today, meh, just in the “got to get things done correct” mode.  I even made a mistake and it did not affect me as much as it usually does.  I also got to cure my collecting fix, eat some good food, and have great laughs with twitter friends.  I really needed this.  To be around like minded people who are just accepting from the get go and just want to have a good time.  I like spending time with current friends that are close by, but those times a few and far between because of their schedules being busy, having jobs, or other things.  Also it’s not often you get to go on trips like this with your friends because of the above reasons.

Most of the weekend I was in female mode or semi-female mode.  It was a bit liberating to be myself for so long.  Although I was still very nervous in front of strangers.  As the weekend went on, with some help from online friends and some kind words, I relaxed a bit.  I even got some cute pictures.  One ended up online, although I am not sure anyone can tell.  I did go a little light on makeup because I figured I would be hot.  I think I am on the down hill part of my journey as far as the chemically induced emotions go.  Things are starting to seem more normal and not so out of control.  I still have mood swings, but it seems like those are lessening a bit.  Also got my prescription moved to a not as stupid pharmacy.

I really don’t like how people in the medical profession (doctors, prescribers, office staff, etc.) are so rude to some people for no good reason.  I get not all people are like this.  People have bad days and can’t always be expected to greet you with a smile.  They have emotions and carry the weight of their problems.  What I am talking about is the disrespect and not giving a shit about it.  People hate their jobs sometimes.  I get that.  But like any business, your customers are important.  In this case, you are talking about things that directly affect a persons body.  I for one take it very seriously and don’t have as much patience as I probably should.  I am lucky that I am not in physical pain or have cancer.  People with these types of diseases that get treated to terrible medical staff must be devastating.  I would probably flip out and cause myself even more stress.  I think when its something like this that directly affects how you feel, you take it so personally, even something said by a medical professional that is innocuous could be taken as a slight.  Its best to have a bit of patience with people who do these jobs.  But its also very important that these workers also offer patience just the same.  Patients do stupid shit.  But office staff fuck up just as much.  We are all human.

Today I am really feeling the pressure inside myself to just tell everyone who doesn’t know about me.  I want to get it over with, I want to know who will accept me and who wont.  I know who does to some extent, specifically the ones I’ve already talked to about it.  Why is that not enough?  I still feel held back by the fact I have to keep it from the world.  I feel like I could use a bit of patience that I don’t have.  I know its not a race.  But that feeling is harder to ignore as days go by.  From 8am to 5pm, I absolutely hate how I have to dress.  The costume is getting heavy and old.  I want it off as soon as I get home.  I am constantly distressed by stupid things like my facial hair growing back just as fast as before.  I want it gone forever.  It hurts to shave it as often as I want it gone.  Alternatives for permanent removal are expensive.   I want to let my hair down instead of having to slick it back all the time.  It’s actually getting harder to hide the fact I have long hair.  I have to use bobby pins to keep it tied up.  I get a little sad every morning when I look at my hair after brushed.  I look at it and think “wow, it actually looks good like this, but I have to ruin it”

It feels vain to worry and think about my appearance.  Before I never cared because I hated how I looked anyway.  Which in turn made me hate myself.  Now though.  Every time I get a glimpse of what I could be, what I want to be, I feel a little better.  I have a little hope, it makes my day.  It’s hard to describe without sounding like I’m having a vanity crisis.  I am not who I want to be yet.  I do not look like that person, therefore I do not feel like that person.  But I am just starting to see that person for the first time.  Maybe if I just tell everyone I will become that person a little bit more.  At least, that’s what it feels like inside.  The more I look even a little female, the better I feel about myself, even if I am scared to show it due to fear of judgement.

I never liked anything about myself being male.  I know that not all people like me experience this.  It is unique to my journey.  I would love to be as far away from my male side as possible.  And that feeling grows stronger everyday, sometimes its painful.  I don’t hate males though.  They are great friends.  The entire male stereotype to myself specifically, is not for me.  Thankfully my male friends both online and offline don’t push these traits on others.  But society as a whole does.  It’s not easy to ignore the expectations society puts on genders.  It’s not fair, ridiculous and should end.  But I don’t see that happening overnight.

It has taken a lot of my energy to be ok with who I am, with some changes of course.  But I can safely say, I’m getting there.  I’m closer than I’ve ever been in my life.

Appreciate the Small Things

It has been a very long time since I’ve just sat and enjoyed music.  Didn’t realize it until I stopped listening/reading the streams of consciousness on social media.  As much as I love to keep up with people, there is much value in taking time to unplug.

I have always liked The Luna Sequence.  Her music is amazing and I always forget to listen to her other albums.  Right now I am really digging the song Parallels on the album This Is Bloodlust.  She has no lyrics in any of her compilations that I know of.  This one is no different.  A perfect example of how raw emotion can be captured in sound.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alBZiXHYuG0  if you care to give it a listen.

I started looking for new music again because I have needed and wanted to make my own again, but lacked the motivation and drive to.  Some music makes me see a reflection of how far I have yet to go.  Kind of discouraging.  Then I hear stuff like this that is only slightly beyond my current talent, but I see how the song was put together.  I see hope, I see my own vision.  I suddenly feel its not always an uphill battle and that the goals are achievable.

It’s times like these I can feel good about myself instead of the bad that surrounds conversations lately.  Not that it’s bad for people to express negativity.  It’s a part of life we can not avoid.  I am there for my friends, but in taking all that and listening, it becomes a part of me.  I feel their hurt.  Perhaps I am being too empathetic?  I don’t know how else to be.  Its how I both understand and relate.  I don’t just listen, I feel.  If you cry on my shoulder, I may cry with you.

I love being able to do that.  I want to be there for everyone.  When my own life gives me social and emotional challenges, that strength is sapped quickly.  When others I love are attacked, I want to attack right back.  I fight more for others than I ever would for myself.  That right there sounds funny to me.  I’m not trying to be a hero, I just hate seeing others suffer.  I can hide my own suffering.  But to see someone else’s, especially if its someone I care about, hurts me deeply.

I want to continue helping if I can, to be there for others.  Lately I just feel weaker emotionally than before.  Some things I just can’t seem to cope with like before.  I am not sadder or more depressed.  But I do feel those feelings much more intensely.  Luckily, as the wind blows, the weather changes quickly.  Sometimes it just takes the right conditions to make it rain or shine.

Stream of Consciousness: Auto Pilot and Trust

Auto pilot, cruise control, something in your control you let go of so you can focus on other things.  When used in your daily tasks, it gets you through the mundane.  It is essential in how we function or I think we would loose our minds.  There can be too much automation to our lives though.  Doing it too much, you tend to forget or miss the things that really matter.

I have abused this for a while now.  Saying I am refocusing on important things, but to tired or lazy to start them.  I have less of an excuse now as I am getting use to medication and I’m not as tired.  I’ve gotten use to doing nothing.  Just saying get up and do it is not that easy a task.  Time to start small and work my way back to the way I was.  The end goals seem huge.  I think we all have a blindness to how hard something actually is.

All of that being said.  I have at least not forgotten about some of the things that I’ve ignored for a long time.  Emotionally I am feeling better.  Even though I am a sea of changing feelings, they seem more real than they ever have.  I love my friends, I love talking to people who share similar intelligence and beliefs.  Although I still take a long time to trust someone, it’s becoming easier to just be myself.  To just talk to people and not constantly worry about their hidden intentions.  For me, that takes a bit of forward thinking in itself.

I can’t just let myself blindly trust someone I’ve never met.  I have to be super careful and only allow little bits of information to see how they react to it.  If I am forced to reveal something that identifies me in real life, I typically give this person VERY little information about myself until I know for a fact that they are someone that I can trust with feelings, thoughts, etc.  Then there are those that I just come out with something without letting them know personal identifying information.  I feel like this is a better approach in some ways because it takes out that underlying tension within myself with little risk.  This in itself seems like a double standard.  Sometimes I feel like I’m being dishonest, but I’m not so sure.  I think all of us with hold truths to protect ourselves or others.  Most people won’t tell their parents about there bedroom fun.

Unfortunate thing about trust is that it’s hard to gain and easily lost.  I have lost some trust in people I use to trust a lot over the years.  Some I don’t even talk to anymore because of important things to me that they are against, something they said/did, or just drifting away because of not talking to each other.  Now more than ever, the people I trust are a very small group because of major issues I have been trying to take care of.

I don’t begin to understand why my gender is an issue to the world.  But some tend to take it personally and start hate campaigns.  I feel very lucky that no one I talk to regularly have ever done something like this.  But those that do, why?  What about peoples gender or sexual orientation is hurtful?  I am not asking for approval or agreement with my beliefs.  Just to leave me the hell alone and let me have fair legal rights.

Was that a rant?  On a positive note:

I am super excited about Super Bit Con.  My partner and I have needed a good vacation for a while.  We can indulge in our geekery, search and collect retro games, and eat/drink well.  I haven’t had good German food in a long time, really looking forward to Ingrid’s.  I really enjoy long drives where we can just talk or joke about things.  Something we don’t really get to do much.  Also get to meet up with some good internet friends.  Something I wish I could afford to do more often.

I have met so many good people online, but most of them are pretty far away.  I hope to visit some of you while I’m still able.  My partner has always wanted to travel.  Now more than ever we have so many reasons to.  These are the things that really matter.  The people I have built trust with, that I call friends or extended family, I want to meet them.  Friends like that are really hard to find.  Feels that we are literally searching the world for those who we can be comfortable with, have great laughs, enjoy the same things and just generally have a good time with.  In my older years, family is what you make it, you don’t have to feel alone.

Too much time to think.

The week seems to be going by slowly. Kind of slow at work, so lots of time to think about things I really need to do. I need to study for IT certifications, I need to get back on my diet, I need to clean this, or do that, etc. Modivation has been a challenge lately. It can be argued that I should just “get up and do it”. It’s simply not that easy at times.

I have been trying to get to know people better on facebook, twitter, and twitch (some old friends and family members as well). Also trying to make an effort to talk to my current friends more because I tend to forget about how they are doing when I have so much on my mind. I am sure they are busy as well. Really enjoying playing D&D again with a different group. Much different of a setting and better for my anxiety. It also gives my wife a chance to have some alone time to work on things she wants to.

I have not had my own alone time. I think I really need it so I can do the things I need or want to do. Otherwise I default to just wanting to cuddle or watch tv with her, which I really enjoy a lot. I think though we both forget to take care of the things for ourselves. Together is great, but alone time is sometimes nessesary. Some thing I read the other day reminded me to not forget about my other interests during transition. I will admit I have ignored some of them. I can’t afford to do that to myself.

I often wonder how often I will even post here, or if it will still be a thing I look at a year from now. I tend to start things, but not finish them if I feel the effort is not rewarding. Its silly to want that instant gratification I feel. I could get that from video games when I get through a hard part, but expecting it from real life is a bit of a stretch.

Speaking of games, really been enjoying Oracle of Seasons. I had played this a long time ago, but recently got back into it. You don’t realize how much of your memory you gain back when you start playing these things again. I realized I still had the first 3 dungeons memorized. Fastest I’ve ever gone through those. Really satisfying to play. I often gravitate towards retro games from when I was a kid. Graphics? Meh. I don’t know why, but pixel art really stands out to me and looks more beautiful than something with “better” graphics.

Well, I guess I better get on with this day. ❤ XOXO and all that 🙂

Preface?

So a little warning about this place.  It will be full of ill formed thoughts, opinions, grammatical and spelling errors, rants, trigger words, etc.  Why would anyone want to read this?  Not sure, but I need a place for my mind.  A brain dump, a place where I can let myself be who I am.  Hopefully share experiences with others.  I am someone some of you know.  Some of you know who I am, some don’t.  Sorry about that.  I will tell the world in time but bc of my job and possible backlash, I have to keep it to myself for now.

Lots of things have changed since I moved closer to my original home.  Lost a parent, started a youtube channel, twitch channel and podcast.  I decided to love myself and try to fix my issues I’ve ignored.

Losing mom was strange.  We never really had that close of a relationship.  Yet I was VERY sad for a long time.  Took going to therapy to realize it was sadness from never having the supportive mother I wanted or needed.  If I came out to her while she was still alive, she would not be supportive.  The yelling would begin, arguments, etc.  She was very strong willed and didn’t take her own criticism well.  I’ve inherited these traits in some degrees, but have learned to cope with and attempt to account for them.  Some days are easier than others.  My medicine is surprisingly helping.   Been on hormone therapy for a little over a month.  Had plenty of mood swings.  The moods are no longer JUST anger though.  I actually feel a gamut of emotions and its very strange/different.  Side effect though, I’ve been tired a lot lately.  Its slowly getting better.

I have since given up on the youtube as its not something I want to do.  I love streaming though and will continue to do so.  I have really started working on my music more than I have in years.  Have some good gems out there.  I could be doing more, much more.  It’s hard to get the motivation sometimes, especially with being constantly tired.

I have been so tired that I have not been very motivated at work.  Not good.  I get my work done as assigned.  I could do more, but usually don’t.  I really need to work on my career goals.  I need to get my certifications for IT stuff so that I can change jobs.  As much as I love the pay and the job, I can’t continue here.  They would not be ok with my gender issues.  And this is a very conservative area with no legal protections for transgender individuals.  I am hopping the local university will be a bit more open to that as they have several groups that are supportive.  And the university supports those in some way as well.  I have read on some documents that they do not discriminate for gender identity.  So at least there I would have protections due to company policy.

Living here though, still poses a challenge.  It can be dangerous to go some places dressed as the gender I identify as.  I could get beat up, murdered, etc.  My wife worries about me.  I’ve thought about getting a self defense weapon or taking classes.  How I’ve dealt with it so far though, is trying to be with a group of people or go places that are ok with me (as few of those exist here).

That’s a quick summary of where I’m at and what I am doing.  The journey will be hard.  Not only for me, but for those close to me.  I often feel like a burden to them.  But I have to live as the person I am.  I can not stand to be depressed anymore.  The anxiety is overwhelming.  I hate how I look in the mirror as a male.  I have not experienced more happiness consistently than I have now.  I am female.  I’ve known it and lied to myself because I did not want to upset others.  I can not and will not continue this anymore.