Hatred of things, Part 2. The Dysphoria.

I didn’t always feel hate.  Not before school started.  At least not that I can remember.  I really don’t remember those younger years other than bits and pieces.  I liked legos I guess, liked the Thundercats.  Liked hanging out with my girl cousins.  I don’t remember how I acted about going to school the first time.  I rode the bus, one kid got on and started crying immediately.  Anxiety I realize now.  I was indifferent about going to school.  No one really messed with me much in kindergarten that I remember.  I loved my teacher.  I actually loved school, it was fun.  I loved getting to play with toys I never would own.  I kind of wondered why the girls were doing their own thing separate from the boys.  They were in their own class room completely separate from all the boys.  I always thought this was strange.  I tried to make friends, or play with the other kids.  Never really lasted longer than a few minutes.  I usually found I was by myself playing instead of having friendships with the other boys.  At the time I didn’t really care that much.  I just wanted to play.  We had reading time with the 5th graders reading to us.  I remember one girl would always read to me and I would be sad when she was not there to read.  I enjoyed her company much more than just trying to make friends with the other boys.

I never felt singled out, but knew I was alone.  1st grade was hell.  I had my first fights ever in first grade.  I had my first emotional breakdown in 1st grade.  “Why did people suddenly hate me?” I wondered.  I know some of my grades suffered for it.    The boys picked the fights, the girls ignored me.  I isolated.  This continued as years went by.  Picked on the entire time.  I would be alone, they would tease.  Sometimes the girls would get in on it too.  Some teachers hated me as well.  I was the awkward dumb kid who couldn’t get good grades on things or was annoying to deal with.

I loved the summers with my cousins.  It actually felt like I could be more of my true self around them.  I didn’t have to isolate, and they were right next door.  I never got to sleep over except one time with one of my girl cousins when we visited from a state away.  There was nowhere else for me to sleep except in her room.  Dad let it slide because he knew we always played together and thought it was no big deal.  We went to her room to play.  They had a bunch of clothes in bags because they had just moved in.  My cousin wanted to play dress up.  I was a little embarrassed to try on the girls stuff, but she said please.  I don’t remember much of the details from that because it’s fuzzy now.  But I was wearing girl’s clothes for the first time and it didn’t feel wrong.  I loved it.  We had to get ready for bed.  She changed into pajamas, I had not changed yet.  She said, you can change if you want.  I didn’t want to.  She smiled and said, well just wear it to sleep in, so I did.  I woke up to the sounds of Super Mario 3 being played in the next room.  I wanted to play so bad.  I was obsessed with games even then.  I was about to get out of bed and remembered I was wearing that stuff to bed.  Knowing my brother and wanting to not be embarrassed, I took off the clothes in bed before I got out of it so no one would see.  After that, when I would play with my cousins, I would sometimes asked to be referred to as a she.  Sometimes I was their sister, sometimes I picked a name.  When it did happen, I gave me butterflies in my stomach.  It felt good to not be called a boy.  I started to cross dress when the parents were not home or when mom was asleep.  I tried to be very careful.  I even hid clothes in my room so I could put them on at night and change out of them before I got out of bed.

Eventually these things faded as I became friends with another boy.  He was sort of the outcast type.  Didn’t talk to anyone.  I decided to talk to him.  We became friends and would hang out a lot.  He was from a Baptist family.  I eventually started going to their church.  I saw what these things called sins were.  Eventually saw that, according to them, the feelings I had were sinful.  They did not know about it of course.  I never told another soul about it.  I never really thought about it much other than putting it in the back of my mind.  Any feeling of it coming back, pushed to the back of my mind where I can’t think about it.  It was always there.  Reminding me in small ways:  you’re not tough like the other boys, playing in the dirt is not fun, why can’t I like these colors (pastels, pinks, purples), why do all the boys think the other girls are stupid and weird, etc.  During this time, I still cross dressed.  Now with guilt.

Eventually I even believed it.  I decided during puberty I would never be with anyone.  I didn’t want to be.  I prayed to not be with anyone in a relationship.  I got my wish for a very long time.  I was continuously made fun of, picked on because I was different.  I didn’t always enjoy the boy activities.  I sucked at them and didn’t care to take an interest.  I hated undressing in front of them.  I hated how boys acted toward one another.  I would get really upset when they treated me that way as well.  They noticed, and the bullying became relentless.  I honestly can’t remember how many fights I was in.  Too many to count.  My anger grew, my frustration built.  By puberty I was a ball of anger and hate.  I wanted nothing to do with no one ever.  I was isolated and alone.  I put out a vibe of DON’T FUCK WITH ME.  Some still did, most avoided me.

I started to notice girls.  It was much different than attraction though.  Now I realize it was jealousy and longing to be something I am not.  I looked more at their clothes and how they did their faces than their body parts.  Sex was not an interest to me at the time.  When guy friends started to bring up sex or things of that nature, I said, not interested.  This did NOT help the teasing.  A whole new thing to make me feel like an outsider.

A girl who had crush on me that I didn’t notice.  I didn’t understand it.  I awkwardly ignored it or didn’t realize she was interested.

I eventually had my first girlfriend (different girl).  She would pass me sweet little notes.  It was cute and a little scary.  She became annoying.  I pushed her away.  I didn’t understand why she wanted to be around me at the time, all of the time.  I wanted to be alone.  I got back with her in high school.  I was starting to feel the effects of loneliness.  I was tired of being alone by now.  I was mature enough to have feelings for other people.  I finally knew the difference between friendships and otherwise.  I still hated most people, but she still liked me, so I couldn’t ignore it.  I had my first kiss from a girlfriend with her.  She was still annoying, but she liked me.  No one liked me at the time.  It eventually lead to her sexual interest.  I was not interested in sex still.  I tried to be interested, (fooled around a bit) but it just was not working out.  The entire thing was strange to me.  From the Christian background, it was “wrong” before marriage.  I didn’t understand how things worked for her.  I was a virgin with little to no education on what was going on with all of it other than I could die.  I could die if she has any diseases I don’t know about.  I was scared to do stuff.  I eventually had other girlfriends with similar results.  Sex has always been taboo to me.  It’s still embarrassing to talk about.  Layers of shaming, years of being told of the infections or bad things that happen.  During this time, I still cross dressed when no one was around.

During all these things.  My gender dysphoria was in the back of my mind.  Is this what it’s like to be a guy?  I was really confused about my feelings and didn’t know how to act.  I knew I was not like other guys.  I didn’t want to be either.  I knew I was me.  I swore off of relationships again.  I figured I am ill equipped for them.  I am unlikable…my world view soured.  I hated the world.  The thoughts in the back of my mind, a tumor of pressure that I would ignore.  All of everything sucks, push it back.  Listen to music loudly to turn off its noise, drown it out, smoke so much that you can’t see it.

I started to write.

Little poems here and there, sometimes lyrics.  Felt the relation to the lyrics in music deeply.  Songs about strife, stuff most metal bands sing about you know.  They spoke to me.  I wanted to be loved, but felt I could never have it.  So hate and loathing were all that were left.

Thank goodness for friends and meeting someone who helped me escape from my hole.  I love you Lost.  You are my best friend, my most trusted person, and life partner.  I am sorry for all of my bottled up hate and frustration.  You have helped me rid a lot of it.  I am sorry you had to experience it firsthand.  I was wrong to say the things I did, to do the bad things I’ve done out of anger and frustration.  I have been a loose cannon for a long time.  I’ve hurt you because I’ve been hurt, crushed by life way before you met me.  All I can do is try to heal, try to be a better person to you.  I hope I am making headway.  Not every day is easy, but I feel like I actually have the tools to not be the way I was.  To not default to hating everything.

Friends, people who I’ve trusted, talked to late nights, expressed empathy and pain with.  I thank you too.  Thank you for listening, supporting, relating, advising, etc.  I love listening to your stories and supporting you in what ways I can.  I am deeply grateful for you listening to my issues, concerns.  I am still not 100% ok.  Everyone has their issues and difficulties to deal with.  Their dreams that they chase, their successes.  I am lucky to be a part of that.  I am lucky to see someone I care about do well.  Talk of family on here it’s tossed around a bit.  I honestly feel though, with my whole heart, that I have a truly great online family.  I’ve had some bad spots here and there.  All families do.  But I have never met such a supportive group of people.  Such a great community of people with inspiring stories, dreams, trials and just life to overcome.  I feel as a group that we are a bit closer now than ever.  Honesty tends to do that.  I’ve bonded with so many of you.  I have so many friends that it’s hard to feel isolated and alone anymore.  I hope I can be there for you as you have been there for me.  I hope I can be supportive and helpful in all the things you do as you have for me.  I don’t feel I owe it to anyone.  I want to do that.  I want to do that for my friends and family.  And I will.

FTW…Hatred of Things

For the longest time, FTW to me never meant for the win.  It meant fuck the world.  Fuck it for its judgments, its prejudices, its awful situations and people.  It was a philosophy that I followed almost like dogma.  I was bullied a lot growing up.  You build ways to cope with them, good or bad.  Mine was to shun the world and accept my place as an outcast.  Not worth the oxygen I breath.  Yet I still remained, to scared to end it all.  It turned into a protest.  Silent, but strong.  I exist, therefore you have to deal with this retched piece of shit.  I am here to represent what you hate, what  you loathe.

This was a pretty toxic way of thinking for me.  Self destructive even.  Emotions can not be hidden.  They build up inside and add pressure until you burst.  I said I did not care, I drank the hidden pain away, I smoked myself stupid to not think about it.  I hit things when I could not hold it in any longer.  I stopped giving a damn about how I looked or what I did.  Work/Career were meaningless.  I hated the world I lived in and most of the people in it.

I had a few friends.  Some even shared my pain.  But I had friends because I needed to belong to something.  If you were my friend then, I trusted you.  You had access to things I told no one.  You betray that, I erased you from existence in my mind.  I would even make it hard to call me, or even see me.  Moved a few times because of it.  If it weren’t for those friends though.  I would still be lost.

A friend of mine wanted to look for girls online.  I had a free AOL account and said, sure, come on by.  Talked to some people, found one girl who knew someone we knew from a former call center job.  Decided to talk to her.  He found out she was 16 and moved on.  Me being a bored fuck, decided to just talk to her anyway.  Its not like I was interested in sex.  I was 20 living in my parents house and still a virgin.  I gave up LONG ago.

We started to talk a bit online.  Eventually talking on the phone.  This girl was really cool.  Had some of the same interests and feelings like I did.  I found a kindred soul.  None of my friends and I saw everything eye to eye.  So this was a strange but amazing change.  We talked more and more.  Sometimes for most of the night.  Felt good to express the issues I think about and worry about.  The deeper parts of my thoughts I try to drink away, that I don’t always want to remember.

One day…she wanted to meet me.  I didn’t know what to say or think other than I was excited.  A friend in another town that I can hang out with!  I thought this might be the beginning of a different  group of people who I could become associated with, befriend, etc.  Finally get out of my small home town for once.  She came over, with a friend.  I was outside, apparently they did not see me.  I ran up to the car…scared the shit out of them.  I thought they saw me.  (great first impression idiot).  After some apologies and what not, took a ride with them.  I was so nervous.  They went in the wrong direction…i wondered why.  I finally asked them after 10 minutes.  They were lost.  Finally made it to their town after a laugh and an anxiety inducing time for me.

That’s how I first met Lost.  A random, unintended encounter.  I never would have known that she would be the one.  She was my light out of the tunnel of self loathing and hatred.  She gave me confidence, taught me how to cook (parents suck at cooking).  I am a better person with her.

I still hated the world.

Something was still not right.  This anger, hatred, loathing.  It was not going away.  I was able to show love and other emotions.  But when it went south, the anger came forth.  FTW this is stupid, these people are trash, fuck it all.  I started going to therapy.  It helped a little.  I was not the stupid one, my actions are.  It helped me hate a bit less and realize that I have done this to myself.  I started to see that the FTW attitude was not working and has never worked.  I thought I needed a different job, a new start.  Lost losing a job helped push this.

Found a job here, a good one!  A boss who respects his co-workers, treats you with respect, good pay.  It was what I thought I needed.  Lost came with me after 3 long months.  She found the job she wanted as well!  Things seemed great.  Losts job was soul crushing with awful people and politics.  Mine was not hard, but I have to deal literally with politicians.  She lost her job because of stupid reasons.  Got another one at another soul crushing place.  I felt bad.  Almost like our roles were switched career wise.  I hated my last job.

Mom passed away.

It didn’t happen at first.  But eventually I realized something broke in me, something shattered.  I cared about the world the entire time.  I lied to myself about not caring.  I hated the things that happened in it that were unfair to me.  Unfair to my family and friends.  It hurt me every time I heard a bad thing happening, or when I saw it.  The pain came back.  It was all bottled up.  The pressure is still present now.  I have been slowly letting off the steam.  I finally decided to try to be happy.

I’ve known about my gender issues for a long time.  Its the source of some of my anger, hatred and frustration.  Getting beat up in school because I’m not tough.  Beat up or made fun of because I was different.  Being jealous of not being able to express myself at home or in public.  It soured my world view.  Now that I’m on this journey, The steam, the pressure is coming off.  It’s a mood swing there, a cry here, so on and so on.  For the first time in my life I can see the good in the world.  Not just hatred.  I no longer want to say fuck the world for all the things in it.  I am thankful to be a part of it.  To see the beauty for what it is and not be drowned in the darkness of sorrow and self loathing.

Twitter Tweeting

A collection of what I said on twitter today:

So I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. I’ve had long enough to think about it. First off, I want say, I am not here for others judgement. I am not going to debate if I am right or wrong. All I know is, this is right for me.

The reason I have been absent from youtube and streamed without a cam. I have only recently gone to therapists and doctors to try and help. I’ve delt with it since I was a child and am finally trying to take care of myself.

They diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. I am transgender. Born Male, transitioning to Female.

I have been very lucky to have a very supportive group of people online that have helped me through their support, advice and listening. I really appreciate them so much.

I hope that even though others may not accept my decisions, that I am not judged or berated for them. I dont need anyone to pray for me, I am not crazy. I know exactly what I’m doing and why I need to.

Confused? I am too. But this may help: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender. Also, sex is who you go to bed with. Gender is who you are.

That being said. I love @lostestgamer with all my heart. We have been through a lot during this and she has been my most supportive partner in all of this.

Some of you follow me under another name. First if you feel you were decieved, know it was not intended. I only wanted to express myself freely. I hope that you can understand

@foundgaming1 and @becomingsara_b are both me.

The journey is always longer than expected.

journey

The goal always seems so far away…

I am relaxed for once at work.  First time in a long time that I haven’t had a bit of anxiety.  I have not had a relaxing vacation in a long time (relaxing for the mind at least).  I am even working on sort of difficult stuff and its really not affecting my mood too much.  I usually get a bit annoyed, anxious and start freaking out that I did something wrong.  Today, meh, just in the “got to get things done correct” mode.  I even made a mistake and it did not affect me as much as it usually does.  I also got to cure my collecting fix, eat some good food, and have great laughs with twitter friends.  I really needed this.  To be around like minded people who are just accepting from the get go and just want to have a good time.  I like spending time with current friends that are close by, but those times a few and far between because of their schedules being busy, having jobs, or other things.  Also it’s not often you get to go on trips like this with your friends because of the above reasons.

Most of the weekend I was in female mode or semi-female mode.  It was a bit liberating to be myself for so long.  Although I was still very nervous in front of strangers.  As the weekend went on, with some help from online friends and some kind words, I relaxed a bit.  I even got some cute pictures.  One ended up online, although I am not sure anyone can tell.  I did go a little light on makeup because I figured I would be hot.  I think I am on the down hill part of my journey as far as the chemically induced emotions go.  Things are starting to seem more normal and not so out of control.  I still have mood swings, but it seems like those are lessening a bit.  Also got my prescription moved to a not as stupid pharmacy.

I really don’t like how people in the medical profession (doctors, prescribers, office staff, etc.) are so rude to some people for no good reason.  I get not all people are like this.  People have bad days and can’t always be expected to greet you with a smile.  They have emotions and carry the weight of their problems.  What I am talking about is the disrespect and not giving a shit about it.  People hate their jobs sometimes.  I get that.  But like any business, your customers are important.  In this case, you are talking about things that directly affect a persons body.  I for one take it very seriously and don’t have as much patience as I probably should.  I am lucky that I am not in physical pain or have cancer.  People with these types of diseases that get treated to terrible medical staff must be devastating.  I would probably flip out and cause myself even more stress.  I think when its something like this that directly affects how you feel, you take it so personally, even something said by a medical professional that is innocuous could be taken as a slight.  Its best to have a bit of patience with people who do these jobs.  But its also very important that these workers also offer patience just the same.  Patients do stupid shit.  But office staff fuck up just as much.  We are all human.

Today I am really feeling the pressure inside myself to just tell everyone who doesn’t know about me.  I want to get it over with, I want to know who will accept me and who wont.  I know who does to some extent, specifically the ones I’ve already talked to about it.  Why is that not enough?  I still feel held back by the fact I have to keep it from the world.  I feel like I could use a bit of patience that I don’t have.  I know its not a race.  But that feeling is harder to ignore as days go by.  From 8am to 5pm, I absolutely hate how I have to dress.  The costume is getting heavy and old.  I want it off as soon as I get home.  I am constantly distressed by stupid things like my facial hair growing back just as fast as before.  I want it gone forever.  It hurts to shave it as often as I want it gone.  Alternatives for permanent removal are expensive.   I want to let my hair down instead of having to slick it back all the time.  It’s actually getting harder to hide the fact I have long hair.  I have to use bobby pins to keep it tied up.  I get a little sad every morning when I look at my hair after brushed.  I look at it and think “wow, it actually looks good like this, but I have to ruin it”

It feels vain to worry and think about my appearance.  Before I never cared because I hated how I looked anyway.  Which in turn made me hate myself.  Now though.  Every time I get a glimpse of what I could be, what I want to be, I feel a little better.  I have a little hope, it makes my day.  It’s hard to describe without sounding like I’m having a vanity crisis.  I am not who I want to be yet.  I do not look like that person, therefore I do not feel like that person.  But I am just starting to see that person for the first time.  Maybe if I just tell everyone I will become that person a little bit more.  At least, that’s what it feels like inside.  The more I look even a little female, the better I feel about myself, even if I am scared to show it due to fear of judgement.

I never liked anything about myself being male.  I know that not all people like me experience this.  It is unique to my journey.  I would love to be as far away from my male side as possible.  And that feeling grows stronger everyday, sometimes its painful.  I don’t hate males though.  They are great friends.  The entire male stereotype to myself specifically, is not for me.  Thankfully my male friends both online and offline don’t push these traits on others.  But society as a whole does.  It’s not easy to ignore the expectations society puts on genders.  It’s not fair, ridiculous and should end.  But I don’t see that happening overnight.

It has taken a lot of my energy to be ok with who I am, with some changes of course.  But I can safely say, I’m getting there.  I’m closer than I’ve ever been in my life.

Appreciate the Small Things

It has been a very long time since I’ve just sat and enjoyed music.  Didn’t realize it until I stopped listening/reading the streams of consciousness on social media.  As much as I love to keep up with people, there is much value in taking time to unplug.

I have always liked The Luna Sequence.  Her music is amazing and I always forget to listen to her other albums.  Right now I am really digging the song Parallels on the album This Is Bloodlust.  She has no lyrics in any of her compilations that I know of.  This one is no different.  A perfect example of how raw emotion can be captured in sound.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alBZiXHYuG0  if you care to give it a listen.

I started looking for new music again because I have needed and wanted to make my own again, but lacked the motivation and drive to.  Some music makes me see a reflection of how far I have yet to go.  Kind of discouraging.  Then I hear stuff like this that is only slightly beyond my current talent, but I see how the song was put together.  I see hope, I see my own vision.  I suddenly feel its not always an uphill battle and that the goals are achievable.

It’s times like these I can feel good about myself instead of the bad that surrounds conversations lately.  Not that it’s bad for people to express negativity.  It’s a part of life we can not avoid.  I am there for my friends, but in taking all that and listening, it becomes a part of me.  I feel their hurt.  Perhaps I am being too empathetic?  I don’t know how else to be.  Its how I both understand and relate.  I don’t just listen, I feel.  If you cry on my shoulder, I may cry with you.

I love being able to do that.  I want to be there for everyone.  When my own life gives me social and emotional challenges, that strength is sapped quickly.  When others I love are attacked, I want to attack right back.  I fight more for others than I ever would for myself.  That right there sounds funny to me.  I’m not trying to be a hero, I just hate seeing others suffer.  I can hide my own suffering.  But to see someone else’s, especially if its someone I care about, hurts me deeply.

I want to continue helping if I can, to be there for others.  Lately I just feel weaker emotionally than before.  Some things I just can’t seem to cope with like before.  I am not sadder or more depressed.  But I do feel those feelings much more intensely.  Luckily, as the wind blows, the weather changes quickly.  Sometimes it just takes the right conditions to make it rain or shine.

Stream of Consciousness: Auto Pilot and Trust

Auto pilot, cruise control, something in your control you let go of so you can focus on other things.  When used in your daily tasks, it gets you through the mundane.  It is essential in how we function or I think we would loose our minds.  There can be too much automation to our lives though.  Doing it too much, you tend to forget or miss the things that really matter.

I have abused this for a while now.  Saying I am refocusing on important things, but to tired or lazy to start them.  I have less of an excuse now as I am getting use to medication and I’m not as tired.  I’ve gotten use to doing nothing.  Just saying get up and do it is not that easy a task.  Time to start small and work my way back to the way I was.  The end goals seem huge.  I think we all have a blindness to how hard something actually is.

All of that being said.  I have at least not forgotten about some of the things that I’ve ignored for a long time.  Emotionally I am feeling better.  Even though I am a sea of changing feelings, they seem more real than they ever have.  I love my friends, I love talking to people who share similar intelligence and beliefs.  Although I still take a long time to trust someone, it’s becoming easier to just be myself.  To just talk to people and not constantly worry about their hidden intentions.  For me, that takes a bit of forward thinking in itself.

I can’t just let myself blindly trust someone I’ve never met.  I have to be super careful and only allow little bits of information to see how they react to it.  If I am forced to reveal something that identifies me in real life, I typically give this person VERY little information about myself until I know for a fact that they are someone that I can trust with feelings, thoughts, etc.  Then there are those that I just come out with something without letting them know personal identifying information.  I feel like this is a better approach in some ways because it takes out that underlying tension within myself with little risk.  This in itself seems like a double standard.  Sometimes I feel like I’m being dishonest, but I’m not so sure.  I think all of us with hold truths to protect ourselves or others.  Most people won’t tell their parents about there bedroom fun.

Unfortunate thing about trust is that it’s hard to gain and easily lost.  I have lost some trust in people I use to trust a lot over the years.  Some I don’t even talk to anymore because of important things to me that they are against, something they said/did, or just drifting away because of not talking to each other.  Now more than ever, the people I trust are a very small group because of major issues I have been trying to take care of.

I don’t begin to understand why my gender is an issue to the world.  But some tend to take it personally and start hate campaigns.  I feel very lucky that no one I talk to regularly have ever done something like this.  But those that do, why?  What about peoples gender or sexual orientation is hurtful?  I am not asking for approval or agreement with my beliefs.  Just to leave me the hell alone and let me have fair legal rights.

Was that a rant?  On a positive note:

I am super excited about Super Bit Con.  My partner and I have needed a good vacation for a while.  We can indulge in our geekery, search and collect retro games, and eat/drink well.  I haven’t had good German food in a long time, really looking forward to Ingrid’s.  I really enjoy long drives where we can just talk or joke about things.  Something we don’t really get to do much.  Also get to meet up with some good internet friends.  Something I wish I could afford to do more often.

I have met so many good people online, but most of them are pretty far away.  I hope to visit some of you while I’m still able.  My partner has always wanted to travel.  Now more than ever we have so many reasons to.  These are the things that really matter.  The people I have built trust with, that I call friends or extended family, I want to meet them.  Friends like that are really hard to find.  Feels that we are literally searching the world for those who we can be comfortable with, have great laughs, enjoy the same things and just generally have a good time with.  In my older years, family is what you make it, you don’t have to feel alone.

Too much time to think.

The week seems to be going by slowly. Kind of slow at work, so lots of time to think about things I really need to do. I need to study for IT certifications, I need to get back on my diet, I need to clean this, or do that, etc. Modivation has been a challenge lately. It can be argued that I should just “get up and do it”. It’s simply not that easy at times.

I have been trying to get to know people better on facebook, twitter, and twitch (some old friends and family members as well). Also trying to make an effort to talk to my current friends more because I tend to forget about how they are doing when I have so much on my mind. I am sure they are busy as well. Really enjoying playing D&D again with a different group. Much different of a setting and better for my anxiety. It also gives my wife a chance to have some alone time to work on things she wants to.

I have not had my own alone time. I think I really need it so I can do the things I need or want to do. Otherwise I default to just wanting to cuddle or watch tv with her, which I really enjoy a lot. I think though we both forget to take care of the things for ourselves. Together is great, but alone time is sometimes nessesary. Some thing I read the other day reminded me to not forget about my other interests during transition. I will admit I have ignored some of them. I can’t afford to do that to myself.

I often wonder how often I will even post here, or if it will still be a thing I look at a year from now. I tend to start things, but not finish them if I feel the effort is not rewarding. Its silly to want that instant gratification I feel. I could get that from video games when I get through a hard part, but expecting it from real life is a bit of a stretch.

Speaking of games, really been enjoying Oracle of Seasons. I had played this a long time ago, but recently got back into it. You don’t realize how much of your memory you gain back when you start playing these things again. I realized I still had the first 3 dungeons memorized. Fastest I’ve ever gone through those. Really satisfying to play. I often gravitate towards retro games from when I was a kid. Graphics? Meh. I don’t know why, but pixel art really stands out to me and looks more beautiful than something with “better” graphics.

Well, I guess I better get on with this day. ❤ XOXO and all that 🙂