Empty house, silence

I’ve never hurt as bad as I do now.  Going to work doesn’t seem like it was a good idea.  It was not a break from the pain.  Yesterday my brain had only one theme in mind: end the pain permanently.  I could not shut it off, it would not stop.  I am too much of a coward to actually see it through.  I am worried more about hurting others by hurting myself.  Those feelings and thoughts are suppressed for now at least.

All I want right now is comfort.  A simple hug, someone to have dinner with me, something that will help me not feel I am alone.  There is only so much that can be done in text.  I realize not everyone has the capacity or ability to do that (mentally, physically, or otherwise).  I am partially to blame for not going out of my way to seek that.  I don’t want to cry in front of my family.  This is not a pride thing mind you.  Trust with my feelings is something that holds a lot of meaning to me.  I do not trust my family with my feelings gushing out everywhere.  It’s why I didn’t come out to them until much later.  Trust is the foundation upon which I reveal parts of myself to others.  Its also how I form connections to others.  I don’t always do this actively or willingly.  I just know what I can trust to people innately.  But not everyone can emotionally handle a person in my state, and they should not feel that they are obligated to, no matter what level of friendship.  Some are physically too far away to do so.  Other various reasons that I don’t blame anyone for.  I don’t want to replace what I lost.  Just need a hand on my shoulder, a gesture, something to remind me I am not alone.

Logically I know I am not.  But logic is rarely relief.  The feelings of the heart do not care about logic.

Please understand I am not asking anyone for anything.  No one should feel obligated to offer or give any one thing physically, emotionally, or otherwise.  I am alone and don’t know what to do.  Time heals wounds, but I need to stop from bleeding out (mentally)

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Broken

Today I lost the person I care about most.  Our relationship is over.  I am lost, thoughts of terrible things going through my being.  I hope that the separation doesn’t hurt our friends or that they think ill of me or her.  I do not know how to continue other than feel pain right now.  Time may not heal this wound.  As much as I hate to copy others works, this songs lyrics are very relevant to me. 

Nine Inch Nalis – Hurt
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Sara, I think I know her.

I still don’t know who I am.  But I am starting to find out.  I’ve successfully not been approached by people giving me a hard time about being transgender in public.  Often they can’t even tell.  My voice is getting better and more natural.  I am starting to get comfortable in my own skin for once.  Wife and I went to a friends party and I actually talked to most everyone there.  Usually I tend to hide at parties because of awkwardness or annoyance.  I don’t think I’ve ever been that social.

I’ve been feeling kind of lost lately about where I need to go, about what’s next.  I need to write down my goals.  To split them into parts that can realistically be done.  I also need to remind myself that this is a slow process and to not try and get ahead of myself.  I have made great strides already.

Safety has been on my mind lately, enough that I decided to buy a defense weapon.  Something innocuous that can hurt but is hard to be lethal.  I don’t want to carry a gun, knife, or something illegal.  Thank you so much to Jessica for the help with this.  (her blog is over here: https://jessicasboudoire.wordpress.com/)  I am getting a tactical light.  It has a bright LED that can be turned on by your thumb, it can strobe, has metal teeth on the lens cover, and is small enough to be enclosed in my hand.  Just enough of it sticks out to cause painful damage using krav maga/self-defense strikes.  In the types of situations where a trans person could be in danger, this is something you should think about.  People suck, some are violent especially when drinking.  Any one can be in a situation like this, but statistically it will happen to people like me more often.

I was talking to a friend today and realized that anxiety I had before just has not been an issue for me lately.  Yea I still get scared in public, but its not scared enough to not be myself.  Around my close friends its so great to be myself.  Its almost like they are meeting me again for the first time I feel.  And I am learning so much about myself in the process.

What is next?

Self doubt on a Sunday.  No stranger to this really.  It’s the beginning of the week and my brain is in final thought mode.  All the things this week have been heavy, but not all in a bad way.  I keep sitting here wondering what is next?  The thoughts are not clear or concise.  I don’t even know what I’m talking about or what these thoughts mean.  I just know I am feeling the anxiety.  Anxiety of things coming that are unknown.  Where do I go from here and what do I do other than what I’ve already set out to do?

I feel lost again.  Thankfully not with the added despair, depression, etc.  But just kind of don’t know what to do.  The absence of potential stress is a strange feeling.

It could be I’m just tired and need sleep or exercise.  Probably both.

Out of the tunnel, into the light.

Wow are the words that are coming to mind immediately.  It has been a hell of a week already.  So before my dad got the letter in the mail, I came out to my brother and sister in law.  After talking to my wife, I realized I should tell them just in case dad didn’t take it well.  I was really surprised how accepting they were.  Brother even said “its about time you said something”.  Dad read the letter the next day.  He messaged me, said he read it twice.  Said that he may need to change the way he looks at things.  That he loves me no matter what.  I never expected this.  I was told at work yesterday that I should probably cut my hair.  I had a huge dysphoria attack.  I finally got the bravery to go talk to my boss (she is the director of our department and the one that had gave me the warning).  She was accepting and understood.  Her only request was that I keep it tied back and it look clean.  She was very accepting and did not judge me for it.

I feel like I’ve been overly judgmental about people before I even told them news about me.  Fully expecting a bad reaction without giving them the benefit of a doubt.  Although I had plenty of reason to think otherwise in some cases, I can’t help but feel a bit silly over it.  I had nothing to worry about and have support from everyone I care about.  This is not common for people going through this.  I have read and heard horror stories and that is what scared me a bit.  I knew it would not be easy, but after reading and hearing all of it, I was very hesitant.

This week has been a roller coaster.  Not everything has been great.  I will not name anyone or provide details, but 4 friends have expressed the thought or want to commit suicide.  I’ve never been one to think this is just a cry for attention.  I take it seriously as most of us should.  It hurts to see this happening to people I care about.  I have a problem with empathy.  I feel others pain very easily.  Even those I don’t know that well.  I am compelled to help, but feel unequipped to do so.  I have been there, I’ve had those thoughts and feelings before.  It’s what helped make me decide to make a change.  Not everyone can make a change though due to circumstances beyond peoples control.  This country, no this world should really take mental health more seriously.  There are a lot of us that have mental issues.  No one should be ashamed to admit they can’t handle stress, anxiety, depression.  The world can be a terrible/harsh place.  If you ever have a friend that feels they have no other choice, that there is no alternative, try to talk to them if you can.  Let them know they are loved, no scratch that, tell them now before they feel its too late.  Random acts of kindness go a long way I think.  You don’t have to spend money or anything fancy.  Just tell your friend, family, relative that you love them and like having them around.  It may not seem like much, but it can mean the world when you feel there is nothing you can do to feel better.  If you ever find someone who is in crisis, please find a 24/7 crisis line if you are not able to help.  We often get offended by how others say things or do not have the right words to say to not trigger the person in need.  If you yourself are ever in crisis, remember, you are not alone, you should not be ashamed.  Call for help, please.  Call your friend, call your family, call a crisis line if none of those are working.  You are worth more than what you may think or feel.  Especially to those you love.  Often those that love you forget or don’t know how to express it.  That does not mean its not there.

I want to thank Jessica for the post she put up on her blog here:  https://jessicasboudoire.wordpress.com/2016/04/13/a-little-cheer-in-an-otherwise-dull-week/

She is also on a journey like I am and has to overcome her own issues with family and friends.  I am happy that I could help lift her spirits about coming out.  It may not always be a happy experience.  We may even judge people wrong for it.  But in the end, if we all remember to love, then it can conquer all barriers.  It has to be equal for both sides.  I wish you the best of luck and will always be here throughout your journey Jessica.  And for those friends, scratch that, ALL of my friends, I am here for you as well whatever those issues may be.  Never forget that you are loved by many even if its not shown, even if its not told to you.

A letter to Dad.

Note:  I am not actually going to send this to my Dad yet.  Maybe soon with some edits, but I need to get the feelings out of my system.

Dear Dad,

I have something I have been afraid to tell you for a long time.   But its come to the point where I need to.

I have been going to the doctor for this since last year.  Talking to a therapist about these issues I’ve been trying to understand.  My wife has gone with me to these sessions with my therapist as well.  Our relationship is much better for it.  Since being on treatment I have started to feel better for once.  Yes you could say that I seemed fine from the outside.  This is hidden pain that none of you have seen.  I didn’t let you see it.  I was too afraid of the judgement because of it.  Ever since starting therapy both medical wise and mentally, I’ve been feeling better.  I am happier.  I am me for once.  I am not bound by anger, frustration, ready to burst at the seams from any and every little thing that goes wrong.  I can’t deny the results.

I still have not told you what is wrong with me.  I can almost feel your judgement before I say a word.  I want you to know this before I say it.  Ever since therapy started, I am a better human being.  I am not constantly depressed, my anxiety is no longer holding me back.  My faith in God has even become stronger because of this.  I don’t expect you to understand me or my issue.  I would hope that you love for me goes beyond your own beliefs and you would attempt to listen or educate yourself on my issue.

I am transgender.  I have been since I was a kid.  I knew then that it was a danger to even show a hint of it.  I have always had the unhappiness in the back of my mind.  A mental cancer that would sometimes physically hurt.  I got tired of hurting all the time.

If you don’t know what that means, transgender people experience a mismatch between their gender identity or gender expression and their assigned sex.  I was born male, but I am not male.  There is a major difference between what is between your legs and who you are.  Its hard I’m sure for people like you, who’s gender aligns with your sex, to understand this.  Mom wanted a girl right?  She got one whether she knew it or not.  I don’t have a choice.  I’ve tried to hide it but I can not live with the constant anxiety, the constant depression or treating everyone around me with hatred.

I bet this both angers and confuses you.  You could see me as a “sinner” or an “abomination”.  I am not here to have a political or religious debate with you.  I will say that for one, there is plenty of evidence that not all things in the bible were translated correctly or taken WAY out of context.  You could say “well it is the word of God, it can’t be wrong”.  Lets think of it this way.  King James version of the bible…why was this created?  Why not the original?  How could this happen?  Free will.  God gave us free will, we will face judgement for it.  But the beauty of free will is that we have a choice to do good or to not.  Man is weak.  That version was changed or mistakes were written in that were possibly unintentional.  http://www.expressionsokc.com/welcome/the-bible-and-homosexuality/

And to be clear.  I am not gay in the same sense you understand it.  I am a transwoman, meaning I was born a man, mentally a woman, and am trying to change my body and chemistry to try and align it to who I am.  I am attracted to women only.  I am not attracted to men.  So let’s think of it this way:  I am a woman attracted to other women, I am lesbian.

You have often said some really shitty things about homosexuals.  Through your words you seem to have lumped anyone of the spectrum that is Lesbian, Gay, Bi, and Transgender people.  And your words are full of hate, hate for something you barely understand.  This is a modern form of prejudice.  Did God not say leave judgement up to him?  I get really pissed off when you mouth off these hateful comments.  You once said you are homophobic.  What are you scared about?  What has someone done to you to make you fear them?  Do they affect your every day life?

You are free to believe what you want.  I don’t control what your beliefs are, I don’t want to try.  You are free to believe that these things are sins.  But you should not use it as a way to hate others or judge them.  That is out right WRONG and against the teachings that I learned from Christianity.  You don’t have to like it, you can say It’s wrong, that is your view or belief.  What you should not do is judge someone for it or use it as a reason to hate someone else.

My biggest fear is that you would disown me.  That you would not want to ever talk to me again, that I would be shunned.  Or almost as bad, you try and convince me I am wrong or that I could change.  Saying you will “pray” for me is the most condescending thing you could say depending on the context.  If you want to pray for me, pray that I find the right answers to my questions about myself.  And that I am shown the right path to becoming who I am so that I don’t go through life hating everything.  Hating every one.  I can’t begin to explain the feelings I have about myself.  I don’t know them well enough to understand it completely myself.  All I know is this:  I was diagnosed with what’s called Gender Dysphoria.  I can not be converted away from it.  The therapy I am receiving both mentally and physically is improving my quality of life.  I am not held back by my anxiety and mental issues.  I am a better person, I am confident, I am sure of myself.  I have never been able to be confident in anything I did.  I have never truly been happy until I started getting therapy.

I love you Dad.  I love you enough to talk to you about this.  I really hope that you can understand or at least try to.  I am not broken.  I don’t want to be judged or told I am sinning.  I am secure in my religious beliefs, I am still christian.  I am who I am, I REFUSE to deny it anymore.  I hope that, pray that, you can love me for all of me.  Love me for who I am as a whole.  You don’t have to agree with me.  Just love me for who I am.  Support me in this really difficult time.  Try and understand my struggles and what I’m going through.

I love you Dad, even with your flaws and faults.  Please return the same to me.

Hatred of things, Part 2. The Dysphoria.

I didn’t always feel hate.  Not before school started.  At least not that I can remember.  I really don’t remember those younger years other than bits and pieces.  I liked legos I guess, liked the Thundercats.  Liked hanging out with my girl cousins.  I don’t remember how I acted about going to school the first time.  I rode the bus, one kid got on and started crying immediately.  Anxiety I realize now.  I was indifferent about going to school.  No one really messed with me much in kindergarten that I remember.  I loved my teacher.  I actually loved school, it was fun.  I loved getting to play with toys I never would own.  I kind of wondered why the girls were doing their own thing separate from the boys.  They were in their own class room completely separate from all the boys.  I always thought this was strange.  I tried to make friends, or play with the other kids.  Never really lasted longer than a few minutes.  I usually found I was by myself playing instead of having friendships with the other boys.  At the time I didn’t really care that much.  I just wanted to play.  We had reading time with the 5th graders reading to us.  I remember one girl would always read to me and I would be sad when she was not there to read.  I enjoyed her company much more than just trying to make friends with the other boys.

I never felt singled out, but knew I was alone.  1st grade was hell.  I had my first fights ever in first grade.  I had my first emotional breakdown in 1st grade.  “Why did people suddenly hate me?” I wondered.  I know some of my grades suffered for it.    The boys picked the fights, the girls ignored me.  I isolated.  This continued as years went by.  Picked on the entire time.  I would be alone, they would tease.  Sometimes the girls would get in on it too.  Some teachers hated me as well.  I was the awkward dumb kid who couldn’t get good grades on things or was annoying to deal with.

I loved the summers with my cousins.  It actually felt like I could be more of my true self around them.  I didn’t have to isolate, and they were right next door.  I never got to sleep over except one time with one of my girl cousins when we visited from a state away.  There was nowhere else for me to sleep except in her room.  Dad let it slide because he knew we always played together and thought it was no big deal.  We went to her room to play.  They had a bunch of clothes in bags because they had just moved in.  My cousin wanted to play dress up.  I was a little embarrassed to try on the girls stuff, but she said please.  I don’t remember much of the details from that because it’s fuzzy now.  But I was wearing girl’s clothes for the first time and it didn’t feel wrong.  I loved it.  We had to get ready for bed.  She changed into pajamas, I had not changed yet.  She said, you can change if you want.  I didn’t want to.  She smiled and said, well just wear it to sleep in, so I did.  I woke up to the sounds of Super Mario 3 being played in the next room.  I wanted to play so bad.  I was obsessed with games even then.  I was about to get out of bed and remembered I was wearing that stuff to bed.  Knowing my brother and wanting to not be embarrassed, I took off the clothes in bed before I got out of it so no one would see.  After that, when I would play with my cousins, I would sometimes asked to be referred to as a she.  Sometimes I was their sister, sometimes I picked a name.  When it did happen, I gave me butterflies in my stomach.  It felt good to not be called a boy.  I started to cross dress when the parents were not home or when mom was asleep.  I tried to be very careful.  I even hid clothes in my room so I could put them on at night and change out of them before I got out of bed.

Eventually these things faded as I became friends with another boy.  He was sort of the outcast type.  Didn’t talk to anyone.  I decided to talk to him.  We became friends and would hang out a lot.  He was from a Baptist family.  I eventually started going to their church.  I saw what these things called sins were.  Eventually saw that, according to them, the feelings I had were sinful.  They did not know about it of course.  I never told another soul about it.  I never really thought about it much other than putting it in the back of my mind.  Any feeling of it coming back, pushed to the back of my mind where I can’t think about it.  It was always there.  Reminding me in small ways:  you’re not tough like the other boys, playing in the dirt is not fun, why can’t I like these colors (pastels, pinks, purples), why do all the boys think the other girls are stupid and weird, etc.  During this time, I still cross dressed.  Now with guilt.

Eventually I even believed it.  I decided during puberty I would never be with anyone.  I didn’t want to be.  I prayed to not be with anyone in a relationship.  I got my wish for a very long time.  I was continuously made fun of, picked on because I was different.  I didn’t always enjoy the boy activities.  I sucked at them and didn’t care to take an interest.  I hated undressing in front of them.  I hated how boys acted toward one another.  I would get really upset when they treated me that way as well.  They noticed, and the bullying became relentless.  I honestly can’t remember how many fights I was in.  Too many to count.  My anger grew, my frustration built.  By puberty I was a ball of anger and hate.  I wanted nothing to do with no one ever.  I was isolated and alone.  I put out a vibe of DON’T FUCK WITH ME.  Some still did, most avoided me.

I started to notice girls.  It was much different than attraction though.  Now I realize it was jealousy and longing to be something I am not.  I looked more at their clothes and how they did their faces than their body parts.  Sex was not an interest to me at the time.  When guy friends started to bring up sex or things of that nature, I said, not interested.  This did NOT help the teasing.  A whole new thing to make me feel like an outsider.

A girl who had crush on me that I didn’t notice.  I didn’t understand it.  I awkwardly ignored it or didn’t realize she was interested.

I eventually had my first girlfriend (different girl).  She would pass me sweet little notes.  It was cute and a little scary.  She became annoying.  I pushed her away.  I didn’t understand why she wanted to be around me at the time, all of the time.  I wanted to be alone.  I got back with her in high school.  I was starting to feel the effects of loneliness.  I was tired of being alone by now.  I was mature enough to have feelings for other people.  I finally knew the difference between friendships and otherwise.  I still hated most people, but she still liked me, so I couldn’t ignore it.  I had my first kiss from a girlfriend with her.  She was still annoying, but she liked me.  No one liked me at the time.  It eventually lead to her sexual interest.  I was not interested in sex still.  I tried to be interested, (fooled around a bit) but it just was not working out.  The entire thing was strange to me.  From the Christian background, it was “wrong” before marriage.  I didn’t understand how things worked for her.  I was a virgin with little to no education on what was going on with all of it other than I could die.  I could die if she has any diseases I don’t know about.  I was scared to do stuff.  I eventually had other girlfriends with similar results.  Sex has always been taboo to me.  It’s still embarrassing to talk about.  Layers of shaming, years of being told of the infections or bad things that happen.  During this time, I still cross dressed when no one was around.

During all these things.  My gender dysphoria was in the back of my mind.  Is this what it’s like to be a guy?  I was really confused about my feelings and didn’t know how to act.  I knew I was not like other guys.  I didn’t want to be either.  I knew I was me.  I swore off of relationships again.  I figured I am ill equipped for them.  I am unlikable…my world view soured.  I hated the world.  The thoughts in the back of my mind, a tumor of pressure that I would ignore.  All of everything sucks, push it back.  Listen to music loudly to turn off its noise, drown it out, smoke so much that you can’t see it.

I started to write.

Little poems here and there, sometimes lyrics.  Felt the relation to the lyrics in music deeply.  Songs about strife, stuff most metal bands sing about you know.  They spoke to me.  I wanted to be loved, but felt I could never have it.  So hate and loathing were all that were left.

Thank goodness for friends and meeting someone who helped me escape from my hole.  I love you Lost.  You are my best friend, my most trusted person, and life partner.  I am sorry for all of my bottled up hate and frustration.  You have helped me rid a lot of it.  I am sorry you had to experience it firsthand.  I was wrong to say the things I did, to do the bad things I’ve done out of anger and frustration.  I have been a loose cannon for a long time.  I’ve hurt you because I’ve been hurt, crushed by life way before you met me.  All I can do is try to heal, try to be a better person to you.  I hope I am making headway.  Not every day is easy, but I feel like I actually have the tools to not be the way I was.  To not default to hating everything.

Friends, people who I’ve trusted, talked to late nights, expressed empathy and pain with.  I thank you too.  Thank you for listening, supporting, relating, advising, etc.  I love listening to your stories and supporting you in what ways I can.  I am deeply grateful for you listening to my issues, concerns.  I am still not 100% ok.  Everyone has their issues and difficulties to deal with.  Their dreams that they chase, their successes.  I am lucky to be a part of that.  I am lucky to see someone I care about do well.  Talk of family on here it’s tossed around a bit.  I honestly feel though, with my whole heart, that I have a truly great online family.  I’ve had some bad spots here and there.  All families do.  But I have never met such a supportive group of people.  Such a great community of people with inspiring stories, dreams, trials and just life to overcome.  I feel as a group that we are a bit closer now than ever.  Honesty tends to do that.  I’ve bonded with so many of you.  I have so many friends that it’s hard to feel isolated and alone anymore.  I hope I can be there for you as you have been there for me.  I hope I can be supportive and helpful in all the things you do as you have for me.  I don’t feel I owe it to anyone.  I want to do that.  I want to do that for my friends and family.  And I will.