Not going anywhere

When I think back on the past 6 months, I think wow…I went through a lot of shit in a short time.  I survived.  I get aftershocks of all the things that have happened and some things I will not mention here.  I am still affected by them.  But I continue to be here and breathe.  I have accepted that I am a person who some people will not accept, and that is ok.  I don’t need to change who I am or be someone I am not to please others.  I just need to be genuine to myself and just be.

It’s an odd feeling to have confidence.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not oozing with self empowerment.  But I have confidence where none existed before.  Even the little I have gained is a strange feeling.  I love this feeling, I can feel it in the way I carry myself.  I can really tell when I am not feeling very confident instead of it all being a blur.  I know who I am.  I know what I like and what I hate.  I am not ashamed of it.  Although, I do hide some of it because others might not be able to handle it or may get offended.  If they find out so be it.  I am not going to hide it.  Hell if someone asks I will tell them.  But I am not just going to give that.  People get uncomfortable with things they do not understand.  I am not here for others comfort.  I love my friends and family, but I can’t change who I am.  All I can do is just not bring it up unless it’s important.

I have went through and continue to go through lots of trials.  I am happy I survived and continue to keep on going forward.  I am still dumbfounded by the difference from being one thing most of my life, and now not hiding anymore.

Colors

My attitude used to be screw everything, everything sucks, nothing is worth putting effort into, etc.   My attitude used to reflect my apathy. The world used to be a very dark place for me. Always expecting something bad to happen and then saying “yep I knew  things would go to shit”.  For most of my life I have never been a positive person. My attitude was reflected through the music I listen to, the clothes I wore, how I carry myself, and how I treated the things that were mine.   I felt like shit I looked like shit.  The music although I still enjoy it to this day,  was never positive.  If you look at all my t-shirts now,  they are all still black.  There was no color in my life. Not just talking about clothes. They’re often was not happiness in my life. I might have been laughing but I wasn’t happy. I drank,  smoked, put myself at risk of injury, and put myself through mental hell.  I never considered that I could make my life much different, much happier.

What is being happy?  Is it comfort to be the person you are.  Takes a lot of confidence to be yourself in a world where you’re constantly told to be something else.   Not just told nearly forced into being something you may not be.  From someone who had very little confidence and hated everything, it’s a hard pill to swallow.  Being who you are shouldn’t be that way.  It’s taken me a long time to realize who I am.  I’m still discovering it everyday.  I’m finding out that not everything sucks. Good things can come from putting effort into something. New experiences can lead to so much self-discovery. Yeah I won’t like everything, but I’m no longer holding myself back.

There’s color in my life. Flavor to the things I do and see. I’m getting more colorful clothes, listening to more diverse music and liking it, I’m learning to carry myself with more confidence, I don’t treat my stuff or myself like they’re worthless.  It took a lot of life changes to make me stop being so negative. Often times it’s hard to not be that way. But there are so many reminders everywhere that I’m paying attention to finally. I am beautiful, I am confident, I am worthy. Color offers variety to life. Not just clothes, but also music, experiencing new things you’ve never done before.   Not every day is good but every time I write here, I feel that things are getting better.  More often than not I’m happy. I have most of everything I need. The things that I don’t have I’m working on. There is now color to my inner flame.

Update Omnibus

Seems like there is a lot going on, yet nothing at all.  Been on hormones for almost a year.  I talked to the local college here, and their law school is going to help me with my name change and gender marker change without extra costs.  Basically I’m just going to pay the court fees, costs to change/update the licence/ss card/etc.  My body changes seemed to have stopped.  I am still taking my hormones, but it seems like they are not having the physical effects.  I have not really been watching my diet, so that might be part of it.

I am feeling better about myself in general, but my gender dysphoria is just as strong as before.  I feel I am going to have to make some physical changes to cure that.  I know and feel positive about myself, but dysphoria is not that simple to just wish away.  It’s a constant reminder of what isn’t.  I know it doesn’t make me any less of a woman, but the feelings of gender dysphoria do not care.

You never know how much you do with someone else till you remember the little things.  The things  you take for granted.  I learned how to cook with someone.  Learned all my grocery buying habits, methods of cooking, techniques, etc.  Cooking with someone else brought up those old feelings.  Never expected a brick wall to hit me in that way.  Although I realize that’s now why I hate cooking for myself.  Its a reminder in the back of my head.  Road trips to places I enjoy are usually good memories, but not lately.  Pictures are a good but sometimes awful reminder of fun times once had.  Places you experienced together, life you lived together sharing new experiences.  Those places and memories hurt.

I started streaming again.  Not a set schedule, just as I can.  Although I was hoping for

butterflyback
Butterfly cutting the day after

more interaction, it has been a while since I’ve streamed.  Also I brought up subjects that most do not know about unless they are into it themselves.  It will take time.  Kink (bdsm) has been a positive thing for me.  Yea, I like physical pain.  It releases endorphins, the bodies natural medicine.  Also with cuttings, it’s nice to see a pretty result of it.  I have a butterfly on my back that’s still visible, as well as a triquatra on my right thigh.

triquatra

Cuttings are similar to tattoos, but not 100% permanent, unless you make them permanent by having them re-cut (which I’m actually thinking about doing).

Being in the type of dynamic I am in is an interesting experience.  I love attending to another persons needs, having to ask for permission to do something, having someone to feel safe enough with to share thoughts and feelings.  If I disappoint them, I feel terrible.  But the praise when I do good is so very good.  The caring and love in this type of relationship is much different than I’ve ever experienced, and it feels good to get it.  I really needed it.  Although I feel like I could do a better job of my daily tasks or follow protocol more strictly.  I am thankful for leniency, but also know that a good kick in the ass helps remind me to do better.

It will be 3 years since mom passed away on the 30th.  I miss her, but I am not always tearing up when I think about her.  I do know that day will not be an easy one though.  There was a lot I didn’t get to talk to her about, and never will be able to have a conversation with her about those things.

Even with the mix of negativity, there is a lot to be happy and thankful for.  I am loved, I am beautiful, I am worthy of the good things coming my way.  I have wonderful, supportive, loving friends and family.  Some of those friends I even consider family.  For all that I’ve lost, I’ve gained so much more.  I will be okay.  Not everyday is good, but I have more good days than bad.  And there is always someone there to listen.

I started a GoFundMe

I started one to help with my transition costs.  Its not cheap to transition, its a tough road that I would not do if it was not needed.  I appreciate the people who have offered the emotional support.  Right now I need a little financial help if people can spare it.  Doesn’t have to be much, every little bit helps.  Thanks in advance and I wish you all the best.

Link: https://www.gofundme.com/2msbztg

Trapped

I tend to be inside my own head a lot.  Thinking about things, assessing things, playing a song in my head, thinking about lunch, etc.  Often I am so far entrenched that I barely notice others around me.  I have learned to do this over the years.  To constantly ignore the outside world to protect myself.  I am hyper-aware of my surroundings, but often put effort into ignoring it to protect myself.

I have a very vivid imagination.  Often I will put myself in a situation or place where I am constantly/silently playing.  My mind stays occupied so much that sometimes small things can surprise me.  When I do not do this, I feel as if every person who passes me by is staring at me, perhaps judging me.  I feel the stares of others, it’s hard not to.  I tend to hide my face, look the other way, or put my head down so I don’t have to meet their gaze.

Hyper-awareness is a blessing and a curse.  I typically have to turn it off or down some so that the anxiety does not invade and make me feel awful.

This is the typical norm that I default to.  It’s learned behavior that is hard to break.  I know that I don’t have to do this.  It’s unnecessary but it is VERY hard to break the cycle.  It is not for lack of trying.  I use to drink to turn it completely off, but that’s hardly a solution and pretty dangerous at that.  Especially since I am diabetic.  I shouldn’t be drinking much if at all.  I tried using someone else talking for me to open up conversation.  That’s not a solution either as it causes other complications and sometimes resentment.  I tried just talking myself and I trip over my own words or don’t know what to say.  I often don’t know what I could add to a conversation.  Especially if it’s about stuff I know nothing about.

I have been blamed for being clingy.  I tend to stay close to those I trust with my feelings and words.  I am open with those I trust and will talk with them openly, but when around strangers, I clam up.  I just can’t get words out.  And when I do, it’s one or two things and the conversation moves on as if I said nothing.  Or if I do say something more than a few sentences, I lose track of what I’m talking about and get overly anxious.

The place inside my head is safe.  It doesn’t challenge me to try to be social.  I have done it for too long and have never really learned how to interact with people I feel.  At least not in person.  I am sure I will be told with practice that I will be better able to communicate.  I just don’t know where to start.  I am impatient and lazy.  I know there is no easy answer to this.  The work needs to be done and I can not imagine it away.  I need to talk to people.  I need to be more social.  Or I will continue to be a prisoner inside my head.

Fear and Blindness

I use to look to you
For everything
You were my life, my focus
I gave you all I had
And some things I didn’t

But you showed what it was worth to you.

Blinded by words
Held back by fear
Living a lie
Just to make someone happy

But I no longer need you
For anything
I dont need you, no longer my focus
I now give you nothing
And take back what I need

I know what I am worth

No longer blind
No longer in fear
Living my life
To make myself happy

I do not need to look to you
For anything
I have my life and things to focus on
I have everything I need
And some of the things I want

I am worth more than what you valued in me

No longer blind
Fear is a memory
It’s my life
I can be happy without you.

Dear Mom,

I have a lot of things I never got to say.  You left before I had a chance to say them.  I was not brave enough to say them at the time.  I have ignored or pushed away how I’ve felt about you for years.  It’s time I stop that today.

I was sad that you left, but more worried about Dad.  I suppressed my grief.  I did for him because he just lost the one he loved.  I don’t know exactly how that feels to lose someone in that way.  I can imagine it, in some ways I can feel it.  It’s a heavy weight that I wanted to help him with.  Eventually the weight lifted where he could deal on his own so that I could get back to trying to deal with my own emotional weight.  I still suppressed my grief.  I didn’t want to feel it.  A year of standing still, imagining I was happy.  Constantly reminded of what is wrong.  Just trying to get by and build on other things.  Play games until all hours of the night to forget about the pain.  Any issue within the groups of friends I had, any issues with my wife, made the thoughts come back.  I finally decided to be happy.

I decided to start living as I truly am Mom.  I started going to a therapist to take care of it.  She diagnosed me with gender dysphoria.  Mom, I’m not your son, I never was.  I was the girl you wanted.  I am your daughter.  I don’t even know if you understand this or not or why the sudden change.  You being gone was a reminder that I need to find happiness.  I expected you to be mad or frustrated at me if you were to ever find out these feelings I had about myself.  The things you would say, the attitude about me not being masculine enough, that hurt.  It made me angry at you for not understanding.  I felt I could never tell you that inside I am female.

But, I forgive you.

You only went on what you knew.  Me not being the man your raised may have made you feel like you are a failure and it didn’t feel good.  Mom, you raised a perfectly good person.  Gender has nothing to do with it or feel guilty about.  You should be proud of the daughter who is becoming the woman she should have been.  I have made lots of major changes and survived some really harsh emotional stuff.  I am about to be divorced, I am accepting my true gender, I am changing my spirituality, I am deepening the healthy friendships I have into very loving relationships.

I have never been able to say that I love myself.  To think it would be embarrassing at best.  That is no longer true.  Every morning I see a pretty face in the mirror.  It’s not a perfect face, but one that has lived through the scars of the past.  One who knows who she is and is not afraid to say so.  One who is growing more confident everyday.  But one that also misses you a lot.

I miss you mom.  I love you.  I wish I could have told you about all of this.  I wish we could live through this transition of my life together.  To see the person I am and make you proud.  But I will be okay mom.  You raised a good person, a very loving person.  I will remember you always.

Love,

Sara