My mind still has issues at times. Specifically today it’s having trouble accepting a face that has not been seen. It’s not just the looks, but the genuine smile, the ease, the comfort, the warmth. My mind is not use to seeing this girl in the mirror and feels dis associative. This girl is me, but my brain is confused. “That’s our face? How? Why?”. Its both exciting and kind of confusing.
For years I saw this boyish person who was not ever happy, never smiled, did not want anyone around him, whose very stare told you to leave him the fuck alone. My mind accepted this as the norm and even when a smile was on that face, super imposed the default under that smile as a reminder, telling me who I am.
The face I see has changed, the feelings and emotions have changed, my head is really confused because it had accepted one thing and can no longer impose that face, that feeling. Its kind of hard to describe. I am loving the way I look and feel. My head is just going to have to get over it. This change is for the better, but change is always hard for the stubborn I guess.
As I was cleaning up my desk today, I found something I had wrote on several months ago:
I feel alone, I feel I am an irritation to others, I want to cry, I don’t want to work on anything, My throat hurts, my head hurts, I want to go home, lock the door and hide from the world.
A few months ago I was not okay. I was hurt, felt abandoned, felt like I had no place to turn to and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. Those feelings seem distant and fleeting. I still get depressed from time to time, but no where near what it use to be. I have an abundance of love around me from friends, family and extended family.
Love lost meaning to me for a long time. Before my first marriage, I had dated and gone out with several girls, but nothing that lasted. I wanted to find that kind of love from someone. The kind that is unconditional, the kind you get from someone special. I thought I had found that. For the first few years of the relationship I though I understood what love was. Eventually that faded and the I love you’s became habit and lost all meaning. Despite that I was still willing to try. To try and make things better, to deepen the feelings and make them meaningful. I am not perfect, but I sacrificed a big part of myself to try and make that work.
I realized that its hard to love someone when you do not love yourself. I started trying to change that. I started trying to accept who I really am. Apparently this was too much for the person I was with. She did not love me despite my flaws. I was “too much” or “she could not handle someone like me”. It made me realize that the love she said she had for me was not really there. I was destroyed for a long time. Lost and didn’t know what to do. I wanted to just be alone and suffer.
Luckily I could not let things stay that way. I went out, tried to meet people at social groups. Sure it was a BDSM group, but I had to explore the other parts of me that I had hidden away to please someone else. I started talking to some people. One person saw I needed help and decided to do something. So far she has helped me to redefine what love is. This may or may not have been her intention, but that was the result. Her family and friends, her unconditional love and affection have helped me realize that I haven’t really known love for a long time. It’s helped me in my other relationships and helped in building others. Talking to other people seems easier now with a bit of the self love I’ve gained.
I still have self doubt and some depression. I know I am not out of the woods yet. But instead of stumbling in the dark, I have tools to see through and a person to help guide me on to brighter pastures.
I’ve thought a lot about this lately and have many questions running around my head. Did I ever really grow up? What does being an adult really mean other than having added responsibilities?
Not easily trusting others, remembering the past so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes (or remembering after the fact), knowing generally what to expect from common situations, knowing what is expected. Its experiences we have had coupled with how we learned to deal with them (for better or worse). Our childhood experiences shape how we are as adults. Especially our quirks. I wonder to myself what did I experience to want, need or act a certain way.
We are all born with genetic personality traits. How that is developed as we grow up, determines what kind of personality we have. You can have a outgoing personality genetically, but if you were abused mentally or physically, the personality traits will be vastly different as opposed to not being abused.
Experience shapes and continues to shape who we are. The good thing about experience is that it can change. We are constantly remolded by experience. Our past scars can be healed through better experiences. Bad memories can stay as they are, memories. New experiences replace or overlap the bad ones and can help shape you.
Its often hard to see the forest for the trees. But when you realize that your experiences are not helping you, its best to find new things to experience. Those bad memories don’t have to haunt you forever. They will never leave you, but they don’t have to be the only thing that determines who you are.
I find it strange but feel blessed that ever since I came out, I have not had to deal with the awful things most other Transgender people have to. My family, as far as I know, has been supportive (the ones that have spoken to me at least). My friends have been very supportive and not done the things “bad trans allies” do. Sure there has been the occasional wrong pronoun here and there or misunderstanding of transgender issues. But for the most part, I don’t deal with those issues often. I often wonder why.
What did I do to avoid the judgement, ridicule, hatred, etc. Why do I feel that I’ve dodged a huge bullet. I feel free to be who I am for once in my life. I regret not doing this sooner, but life is not a race. The only thing I really lost was a companion that stopped caring a long time ago and it was honestly over way before I wanted to truly transition.
I am blessed to have people in my life who love me for who I am, no matter what that is. I expected the worst. I can blame that on the very real fear that others have to face. I am scared to go elsewhere as I am because of the underling fear that I will run into the people who don’t ignore me and don’t like who I am. No all transgender people have it remotely as easy as I have had it. I already have a good paying job that I didn’t have to fight for. Where they accept my female self without much issue. I am the first transgender person on the payroll. As far as I know, I am the only one in my family that has came out as a transgender person. If there are others I’m related to that are, I don’t know about it.
Why was it so easy for me? I can’t help but feel sorry for my transgender brothers and sisters who have not had it quite so easy. I expected to fight a war to be who I am, but so far it’s not been as bad as others have had to experience. I hope that those who do have it hard know that they are not alone. That the fight is worth it and to not give up despite the odds.
When I think back on the past 6 months, I think wow…I went through a lot of shit in a short time. I survived. I get aftershocks of all the things that have happened and some things I will not mention here. I am still affected by them. But I continue to be here and breathe. I have accepted that I am a person who some people will not accept, and that is ok. I don’t need to change who I am or be someone I am not to please others. I just need to be genuine to myself and just be.
It’s an odd feeling to have confidence. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not oozing with self empowerment. But I have confidence where none existed before. Even the little I have gained is a strange feeling. I love this feeling, I can feel it in the way I carry myself. I can really tell when I am not feeling very confident instead of it all being a blur. I know who I am. I know what I like and what I hate. I am not ashamed of it. Although, I do hide some of it because others might not be able to handle it or may get offended. If they find out so be it. I am not going to hide it. Hell if someone asks I will tell them. But I am not just going to give that. People get uncomfortable with things they do not understand. I am not here for others comfort. I love my friends and family, but I can’t change who I am. All I can do is just not bring it up unless it’s important.
I have went through and continue to go through lots of trials. I am happy I survived and continue to keep on going forward. I am still dumbfounded by the difference from being one thing most of my life, and now not hiding anymore.
My attitude used to be screw everything, everything sucks, nothing is worth putting effort into, etc. My attitude used to reflect my apathy. The world used to be a very dark place for me. Always expecting something bad to happen and then saying “yep I knew things would go to shit”. For most of my life I have never been a positive person. My attitude was reflected through the music I listen to, the clothes I wore, how I carry myself, and how I treated the things that were mine. I felt like shit I looked like shit. The music although I still enjoy it to this day, was never positive. If you look at all my t-shirts now, they are all still black. There was no color in my life. Not just talking about clothes. They’re often was not happiness in my life. I might have been laughing but I wasn’t happy. I drank, smoked, put myself at risk of injury, and put myself through mental hell. I never considered that I could make my life much different, much happier.
What is being happy? Is it comfort to be the person you are. Takes a lot of confidence to be yourself in a world where you’re constantly told to be something else. Not just told nearly forced into being something you may not be. From someone who had very little confidence and hated everything, it’s a hard pill to swallow. Being who you are shouldn’t be that way. It’s taken me a long time to realize who I am. I’m still discovering it everyday. I’m finding out that not everything sucks. Good things can come from putting effort into something. New experiences can lead to so much self-discovery. Yeah I won’t like everything, but I’m no longer holding myself back.
There’s color in my life. Flavor to the things I do and see. I’m getting more colorful clothes, listening to more diverse music and liking it, I’m learning to carry myself with more confidence, I don’t treat my stuff or myself like they’re worthless. It took a lot of life changes to make me stop being so negative. Often times it’s hard to not be that way. But there are so many reminders everywhere that I’m paying attention to finally. I am beautiful, I am confident, I am worthy. Color offers variety to life. Not just clothes, but also music, experiencing new things you’ve never done before. Not every day is good but every time I write here, I feel that things are getting better. More often than not I’m happy. I have most of everything I need. The things that I don’t have I’m working on. There is now color to my inner flame.
Seems like there is a lot going on, yet nothing at all. Been on hormones for almost a year. I talked to the local college here, and their law school is going to help me with my name change and gender marker change without extra costs. Basically I’m just going to pay the court fees, costs to change/update the licence/ss card/etc. My body changes seemed to have stopped. I am still taking my hormones, but it seems like they are not having the physical effects. I have not really been watching my diet, so that might be part of it.
I am feeling better about myself in general, but my gender dysphoria is just as strong as before. I feel I am going to have to make some physical changes to cure that. I know and feel positive about myself, but dysphoria is not that simple to just wish away. It’s a constant reminder of what isn’t. I know it doesn’t make me any less of a woman, but the feelings of gender dysphoria do not care.
You never know how much you do with someone else till you remember the little things. The things you take for granted. I learned how to cook with someone. Learned all my grocery buying habits, methods of cooking, techniques, etc. Cooking with someone else brought up those old feelings. Never expected a brick wall to hit me in that way. Although I realize that’s now why I hate cooking for myself. Its a reminder in the back of my head. Road trips to places I enjoy are usually good memories, but not lately. Pictures are a good but sometimes awful reminder of fun times once had. Places you experienced together, life you lived together sharing new experiences. Those places and memories hurt.
I started streaming again. Not a set schedule, just as I can. Although I was hoping for
more interaction, it has been a while since I’ve streamed. Also I brought up subjects that most do not know about unless they are into it themselves. It will take time. Kink (bdsm) has been a positive thing for me. Yea, I like physical pain. It releases endorphins, the bodies natural medicine. Also with cuttings, it’s nice to see a pretty result of it. I have a butterfly on my back that’s still visible, as well as a triquatra on my right thigh.
Cuttings are similar to tattoos, but not 100% permanent, unless you make them permanent by having them re-cut (which I’m actually thinking about doing).
Being in the type of dynamic I am in is an interesting experience. I love attending to another persons needs, having to ask for permission to do something, having someone to feel safe enough with to share thoughts and feelings. If I disappoint them, I feel terrible. But the praise when I do good is so very good. The caring and love in this type of relationship is much different than I’ve ever experienced, and it feels good to get it. I really needed it. Although I feel like I could do a better job of my daily tasks or follow protocol more strictly. I am thankful for leniency, but also know that a good kick in the ass helps remind me to do better.
It will be 3 years since mom passed away on the 30th. I miss her, but I am not always tearing up when I think about her. I do know that day will not be an easy one though. There was a lot I didn’t get to talk to her about, and never will be able to have a conversation with her about those things.
Even with the mix of negativity, there is a lot to be happy and thankful for. I am loved, I am beautiful, I am worthy of the good things coming my way. I have wonderful, supportive, loving friends and family. Some of those friends I even consider family. For all that I’ve lost, I’ve gained so much more. I will be okay. Not everyday is good, but I have more good days than bad. And there is always someone there to listen.