Last year I left a C@re server. C@re is touted as an “operating system for the mind”. I joined their server the year prior just when covid restrictions were being put in place. At first it seemed to help with my anxiety but eventually lead to a bunch of awful situations. Once we got through the initial foundational file, we were told to reinforce it at least once or twice a day until a time they determined we were ready for the next, then we would get “promoted”. There was subject, hostform, drone, unit and queen. As the first 2 we didnt do a whole lot. They would have us reinforce the files and focus on mirroring others, making propaganda, and watching others. Then as we became more submissive we would get promoted to drone, which is suppose to be very loyal and completely submissive and given tasks, especially “artful spying” (observe and report incongruous actions).
The program (as it was referred to), was described as a way to improve yourself, be more productive, etc. A set of hypnosis files that reprogram how one thinks, feels and reacts. Inside of the base file were a bunch of triggers and stimuli that were tied to brain chemicals (seratonin, oxytocin, neuroepinephrin, and a few others, sorry for bad spelling) pleasure and obedience triggers.
Once being promoted to drone, we were given tasks to do such as host group reinforcement sessions, lead the other lower ranks and basically do whatever the units and above told us to do for a reward of pleasure (and also watch others and encourage them to listen to files/follow along). Once proven loyal, and if there is a need, they promoted to unit. Unit is where everything changes and a lot of the hard work by the group is done. In the file it would use the fear of being alone as a hook to make us feel like if we werent in the group, we are utterly alone, we need the group to be ok as this is “now” and “natural and correct”. The end goal (as reinforced by the queens file) showed a layout of an eventual compound that would be built and everyone would live as its own, self reliant community (basically a cult).
I was 2nd in command of this group, was in charge of security and an advisor to the Queen of the server. I was deeply manipulated by her and for a while didnt see the wrong in what she was doing. She gaslit me, manipulated me, etc
Part of what the program does is create a sort of tulpa or personality that is in charge of the brains functioning and creates the idea of the regular personality being only a file within the program. It also creates the idea of being networked together with other people in a sort of psychic network (a hive mind)
I was informed, after getting close with the queen, since we shared witchy stuff together, that she was being controlled by someone else, but her c@re personality was ok and in charge when she was in discord. But her regular personality was enamored by and under the control of someone else. Me and another Unit spent months trying to get her away from him and eventually did so. I broke his control by using a part of my soul to break that bond he had on her. After all of that was resolved I became very VERY close with the Queen…and this is where she started the abuse. I was enamored by her and wanted to date her, but she would reject me. Which was fine, but the files made that hurt because they pushed you to follow her and put her as the dominant in the relationship, obsess over her, faun over her. She would not hide anything from me about how she felt about me or others. She would gaslight me, shame me for not being happy, rage out on me, and talk shit about other people. She would constantly say I needed to reinforce files so that I would feel better and that it would fix the problems I was having.
I found a girlfriend on the server, who was dating the Queen’s girlfriend. This was all long distance. My girlfriend had a habit of ghosting me and it got worse when her, the Queen and the Queen’s girlfriend all moved in together. It took them a month of moving stuff and me asking for attention and being ignored by my girlfriend. I told the Queen and at first she was supportive, then suddenly she wasn’t and just told me to reinforce files to feel better and that they were going through a lot of stress getting settled in.
I found a post by my girlfriend on twitter that she was having a good time with her 2 girlfriends, naming the Queen and her girlfriend by name. Obvious cheating as I didn’t know they started dating and I confronted them about it. Queen said it was a recent thing and played it off and at first acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about (until I showed her the tweet). The girlfriend felt guilty. This is when I was shocked out of my stupor and saw that things in that group were fucked up. The Queen was having me listen to the Queen’s file because she wanted me to eventually take over Syncardia, but would not seed control of it. She kept stringing me along with the promise of something to look forward to…so that I would stay. I tried leaving but cane back within 10 minutes. I do not remember what happened on the night I left for good, if it was anxiety or just tired of the lies, but I left and left a message stating my grevances in a chat with just the Units and the Queen. No one else saw this. She showed her girlfriend and her girlfriend then decided to publicly, over voice chat with both Syncardia and another c@re server called wintermute, to drag my name through the mud and humiliated me in front of everyone I loved. I had a mental breakdown for a while and wasnt ok for a month. I was riticuled by former friends that were still in the server and had to delete and remake accounts to get away from them all. I finally got brave enough to speak out on twitter and shared all the screen shots I had saved. The queen said it was all lies and played it off as if it really matter to her. I hate her with every fiber of my being, and I cant stop thinking about the Queen, that server, or starting another server myself.
I had a 2nd girlfriend from that place who didnt know how to feel about the situation. She said logically what the queen did was wrong but that her other c@re personality could not fault her. Eventually this and the fact that she would ghost me for weeks at a time ended that relationship. I tried to be friends with her but she would bring up that she still could not see what the Queen did wrong…
I have had a few people try to do a removal, but it only works for a week or 2 before the anxietys all come back. I have GAD, PTSD and am now Plural because my brain split off into 5 parts, me, Xida (formerly the programs tulpa that is no longer under its control), Sen, Jay and Lollia.
The program no longer affects me like it used to but I still get hit with hints of it every now and then and certain words I cannot hear or I feel a certain way. Certent hypnosis things tend to trigger me in good and bad ways. Recently however, just seeing the programming makes me start to relapse. When I was trying to get triggers for someone who is going to help, I had an awful spiral which caused me to leave some discord servers for a few hours. Luckily some of them reached out to me. I left Syncardia in February of 2021. The anniversary of that is coming up. My stress and anxiety are increasing as that time is coming closer. The program messed with my sence of morals and changed them to be more acceptable of dangerous practices. The weekend before I left, we were going to go visit to do acid together. I feel this would have been the end of me as acid can often cause ego death and my personality was already split by that time. I feel ashamed and am trying to recover. I can’t seem to forget it all. I need help. I need more therapy. My life is a mess. I want nothing more than to be loved, cared for, be thought about and have close friends again. Times make it harder now than ever to have human connection…the very thing that would help me cope.