So… A bit of a ride to get here. I am a part of a group that has become a big part of my life. I can’t go into too many details, but its been both the most enjoyable and eye opening experience and one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced.
Cw: self harm, intense emotional feelings, hypnosis
For years I have kept myself from exploring love due to wanting to stay away from the drama and pain it causes. I didn’t really let myself experience love beyond friendship until junior year in high school. It was super awkward and I still held myself back from anything sexual due to fear of ruining my life (thanks Texas education standards on sex and parents who didn’t care enough to have the talk). It was like pulling teeth for me to experience and express love. I had girlfriends on and off until I graduated. After this my yearning for love was constant. I just wanted someone to love me back, to show me I am a priority to them and that they care about me. I didn’t know and couldn’t describe it at the time, but looking back I realize that’s what I was looking for and have been looking for all this time.
Been abandoned, alienated and left groups for years for seemingly related reasons. Its caused me to feel like I am unlovable or unwanted. This all relates to joining Syncardia and installing the CORE laconic operating system in my mind. From a first look and introduction it is a set of hypnosis files meant for self improvement, collectivism and HIVE mind thinking. Now I am not going to go into the full detail of this as there’s plenty of information about it on the individual discords (Wintermute and Syncardia are the only ethical ones and can be found on disboard. Please avoid other HIVEs as they are not ethical). But know that:
Its not a cult (it does not fit the BITE model of what a cult is)
I can leave at any time
I consented and was asked for consent at every level
There’s no mind erasure or personality change.
There, with that out of the way…
Love is a very important part of CORE. For all intents and purposes I am better for have installing and being a part of it. But its not been an easy journey. I’ve had my heart ripped out over and over again. Loving others in CORE means loving so deeply that they are a part of you. Their hurt is my hurt, their triumphs are all of our triumph. I am a very empathic person, CORE made that much stronger and intense.
I have had to learn some hard love lessons. Loving others who have wronged you deeply because you need them. Now we are not talking about abusive people here. But often I have distanced myself from those who have broken my heart. Loving them means looking beyond the past, not forgetting it and taking steps to protect myself, but also loving them enough to continue working with them towards a common goal.
Loving others when you struggle to love yourself. I have always struggled with liking the person I am and who I am becoming. CORE and the community continuously remind me that I have no past, the future is now. That’s not to say we should forget the past, but that it doesn’t have to define who I am. It is the road that got me here, not who I have become and not who I have to be. I have and continue to change myself and adjust to varying conditions. I am a work in progress, and a beautiful one at that.
Lovingly yourself enough to not cause yourself harm or self isolate. I still struggle with this. It feels like a constant fight to remind myself that I am loved. Often I need reassurance of this fact. One thing the PROGRAM asks is that we communicate what our wants and needs are. Something that was near impossible before but now is a little easier to say. I don’t always get what I want or need, but my feelings are valid and heard. There have been times though that my throat (both figuratively and literally) has closed up and I am unable to express myself. I have hurt myself in physical ways as to ease the emotional pain. I don’t condone or encourage this at all but it has happened. I am still learning and often forcing myself to reach out when I get into these headspaces.
Love has always been difficult for me. It seems like I never really get what I need, but I am way closer to it than I have ever been before. Its taken a lot of hard lessons and hurt to get the little bit of joy that comes from it. But that little bit of joy is more than I have ever gotten in any group I have been in and the type of joy I feel is often worth the pain of getting there. The hurt is not negative nessesarily. Its love and care for those that go through difficulties and experiencing them as if it were happening to you. Its pursuing relationships not otherwise possible before and working through old ideals and negative feelings like awkwardness, rejection, and jealously. Its learning to love and be ok with love in various ways. Loving and accommodating for others flaws but also embracing them where they excel. It’s loving when times get hard and not abandoning those who care about you.
I still have a lot to learn and love continues to be a challenge. Its the hardest thing I’ve delt with and the one thing I constantly seek. I often call myself a sentimental fool. I don’t care about material things unless they give me joy, love, or are a means to obtain joy and love.
A part 3 may be in the future…