2021 update (part 1)

Its been a few years since I have written anything. Don’t know if anyone will take the time to read or follow this, but I will write it anyway.

Guess I should do a little back story for everything to make sense. Strap in, its going to be a ride.

Content warning: hypnosis, gaslighting, abuse, stalking, trauma, suicide, self-harm, LGBT slurs

A bit of history

I’ve been fighting with my gender for years not realizing that I was assigned male at birth.  Due to loneliness, I just wanted to be with someone, anyone.  Found someone, started dating them, they seemed to like me for me.  Then those urges to want to cross dress, be feminine, etc. came on strong a year into our relationship.  She was absolutely not comfortable with it at all.  Over the years when those urges were very strong, she would gaslight me, saying I had this or that condition to try and explain my urges away or make me feel like I was broken.  She always shamed me when I would bring it up with things like “what would your parents think” or “i’m just afraid of getting caught with you dressed up and what my family would think”.  This went on for several years.  I felt trapped, like I couldn’t express something I deeply wanted inside.  I loved her, but longed for her to leave long enough for me to just dress up and be a girl. 

My beginning into hypnosis
We were living at her grandmother’s lake house.  Often she would go to bed early and I would stay up to work on things to unwind (look up kink stuff online).  I was desperate to be feminine and at the time thought it was just a fetish.  I was on a sissy website and would read stories and such.  I don’t remember the exact details, but a story or something I had talked about in a chat room on the site lead me to find adult.hypnoticwishes.com.  Looking through everything, it seemed like a fun place to go, and what could a little hypnosis hurt right?  I could feel temporarily like how I wanted to feel.  Be a girl for a bit and believe it.  It seemed like a dream come true and I could keep from making my wife unhappy.  I decided to join once I found the chat room.  I was completely out of my element and had no idea what the fk I was doing.  Within minutes of joining I got a random text message from someone.  The asked me what I was doing there and if I had any experience in hypnosis.  I said no and was SUPER anxious.  He wanted to give me a sample/example of what hypnosis can feel like.  Through text, he had me breathe and walked me through what I now know is an induction.  My anxiety was so high, I just wanted to show him I could do a good job.  I don’t even remember the words said, but I clung to each one and couldn’t look away.  After we were done, I had an urge to suck my thumb and couldn’t help the compulsion.  He said that he did that to show me what was possible.  It intrigued me more and I wanted more.  Never spoke to him again after that night.  The following nights I would hang out, talk, and random “tists” would come in and do group hypnosis with everyone.  It didn’t work for me at first, but then “G**D G**L” and “GO D**P” became embedded triggers.  I was addicted to being told what to do, how to think, how to feel.

I started to change a bit, my thoughts and feelings opening me up to the want to transition to female full time.  My life was very stressful at the time from having a full time job, going to college together with my wife, and not having any time because of the long long drive to the lake house.  My wife was emotionally unavailable for me, so I became emotionally unavailable to her.  She did not like cuddling unless it would end with sex.  It was a rough time for us both.  My urges to be feminine increased dramatically and she shamed me for it at every turn, seemingly afraid of being caught with me dressed feminine at her grandmother’s house and her family coming to visit.  I started hiding this part of myself from even her.  Weekends when she went to visit family, I would stay home because of “work” or anxiety (the anxiety was very real because her family was very insane and abusive).  I started to drink more and more and would trance while intoxicated, often planning my nights to do this when I didn’t have to be at work the next day.

A bad habit became destructive.

A few times in chat, I would start expressing a want and need to actually transition.  It seemed like a dream and I wanted someone to please hypnotise me to push past my inhibitions and just start doing it regardless of my obstacles.  By this point, I would enter the chat room listening to binaurals just to await seeing my triggers because it felt so good.  While still very trance-y and talking about wants, one of the admin/hypnotists messaged me.  They asked me some very personal questions:  “how tall are you?”, “how much do you weigh?”, “how old are you?”.  After answering, they proceed to tell me that I wouldn’t make a very good woman and that for my and other people’s sake I should stop.  I left the server that night, crying, swearing to not ever go back.  I purged some of my girl stuff and tried to move on.  After a few months, the urge to go back grew and grew.  Eventually I would start going back regularly for the next few years off and on to feel good again because life at home wasn’t any easier.  My wife would still shame me anytime I brought up being a woman or having those feelings.  I would go back, and leave for a while, go back and leave again.  Each time urges and triggers becoming strong again, reinforcing how I felt about myself, about my self image.  At times I would want to kill myself because I felt what I now know as dysphoria.  Everytime I went back to hypnoticwishes, my anxiety about myself increased, my desire to be a woman increased.  

During one of these nights, I saw 2 people talking about BS.  A story about how someone went from someone like me, to someone that all they did was go out for prostitution, stripping, etc.  It both scared and intrigued me.  Me and a few others asked where they got this hypnosis.  The 2 talking about it laughed it off and said it’s nothing we want to deal with.  When I was persistent, they told me they would not show me because they didn’t want to be responsible for the damage it could do.  Being in a suggestable state, I listened (thankfully) because I was pretty self destructive.  I continued drinking more and more when I wanted to feel feminine.  Not always going to hypnoticwishes, but always drinking and dressing up.  I wanted to have my brain warped and become who I really felt like I was inside.  I caved and purchased the mp3 from adult.hypnoticwishes that would help feminize you.  I listened to the file a few times.  It gave me the same anxiety about my self image and increased it by a factor of 100.  I was desperate to be a girl and hated my body.  Was too scared to cut, but really wanted to, often would just scratch my skin, bite myself, cry, feel pain on the inside, panic, etc.  I became more scared of being in public or in large crowds.  I hated myself and was very angry.  I hated everything.  I wanted to die.  I started to drink a lot.  I drank when friends came over, I drank when alone, I drank to feel good and I didn’t have to work.  I drank to have a good time because life sucked otherwise.  

Mom Died

My world was changed forever.  I was numb because dad needed me.  But about a year after her death, after a year of doing youtube to feel something, a year of trying to be a “gamer” and such and follow my wife’s expectations, I started wanting to go back to hypnoticwishes.  This time it was different…I was looking for not kink..but to see who the fuck I really was.  For years, mom shamed me anytime I showed any signs of being feminine.  She was never nice about it, said things like “STOP THAT, DO YOU WANT PEOPLE THINKING YOU ARE GAY?”  “ARE YOU A FUCKING FAGGOT?”.  

Instead I found an article that explained what I had been feeling, that I didn’t have to be this or that to be a girl.  That I might just be Transgender.  It was an answer I was seeking all along, it explained everything I was feeling inside.  It was logical, scientific, and made a lot of sense.  It even had references (sorry, I haven’t been able to find the document since).  I showed it to my wife and we had a long long talk.  She seemed receptive and accepted the fact that this was not just a phase, not just me being “crazy” but an actual medically viable thing.  She, for once, didn’t shame me and seemed to be supportive.  From here I started my journey.  Started a blog to document my progress.  (the one you are at right now!) I started coming out to friends, slowly to family, etc.  

My Exes Betrayal

Everything was going well until one night my now ex wife talked to her dad’s side of the family.  She came home and basically did a 180 in her attitude.  She left me that night because she wasn’t actually ok with any of this.  She didn’t want to be with someone who is trans and would have a “mutilated penis”.  And the thought of sex with me in a way that wasn’t dysphoric to me disgusted her.  I was alone for the first time in 7 years.  Her friends took her side and abandoned me.  She tried to take my last remaining gaming friends online by subtly saying things behind my back about me or telling them things in private.  She had a boyfriend within days of her leaving me (which I found out she had been dating them since before coming out and wanting to transition).  I was falling apart, I wanted to kill myself more but was too tired to do anything.  I felt like I wasn’t worth the effort to bury or clean up after my death.  Being in this state, I was going to do anything to just feel something.  A friend suggested I look towards the local kink community.  I was scared, but went to my first munch and met my now wonderful fiance.  She saw me and wanted to protect me after she got me to talk.  She rebuilt me.  She helped me rediscover my spirituality.  I became pagan and started studying witchcraft.  I started to meditate (which reminded me of a very familiar feeling from hypnosis).  My ex-wife tried to invade the places I was going to heal, to try and completely isolate me.  She even tried to get a job at my then current place of employment.  It felt like she was stalking me.  Pixx (my current fiance) protected me and kept me from losing myself due to my ex’s actions.  I had completely forgotten about hypnosis by now.   Until a year or so of being with her, she said those golden words during a scene “g**d g**l”.  Oh, fuck…that feeling, that drop, that lovely tingle combined with the sensations of pain and pleasure.  The trigger stuck after all this time.

Kink years and rediscovery of my Hypnosis kink

Years have passed since those dark things.  Lost a lot of friends, didn’t really have many to speak of.  As I discovered my kinks and was more and more open about them, those friends left or stopped speaking to me.  It felt like they found me disgusting or appalled by me.  Again, wanting to feel something good, but also replace the alone feeling, I started looking into hypnosis again.  It’s something my current fiance talked about and she said to explore it as it wasn’t something she could provide, but did not want to keep me from pursuing it as long as I was safe and communicated about it to her first.  By this time she knew about my trigger and how it can drop me if she says it.  But we really didn’t talk about more specifics than that.  I was very hesitant for a while and didn’t really look that deep into it due to a lack of finding it in my local area, and not feeling safe about it online due to the past.  Then…COVID happened.

I was having major anxiety and felt like I might as well enjoy what I can when I can because the world felt like it would never be the same or end.  Through mutual friends on twitter, I found HTG’s sapphic server and joined.  There I was hit with a brick wall of my past Hypnosis trauma and wanted to see if I could have it removed.  I felt my addiction coming back, seeing similar triggers made them become 1000x stronger than before.  I wanted to feel good again, to give in, to let myself be destroyed and just be a play thing.  The want, need and desires came back so strongly.  I wanted self destruction.  I thought it’s what I deserved, what I wanted, what I needed.  I wanted someone to destroy my mind and make me into their mindless drone. 

In a covert hypnosis channel on there, a tist found me and started to play (luckily this was strictly for fun and harmless, although not quite ethical).  After she tranced me and we had some fun, I talked to her about how easily she put me into trance.  She walked me down a path and basically did all the thinking for me.  I followed along obediently and answered simply, slowly my head started to tingle and by the time I realized what was going on, I was already hooked and deep in trance.  The defenses I had drifted into the aether.  After having a little fun with me and playing with me publicly, I talked to her about my past trauma and how I wished I could be rid of it.  She offered to remove it next time she was on.  The next time we met up, it was a great experience.  I was able to literally SMASH those triggers from my mind.  Afterward, I felt free!  GG made me feel weird, but NOTHING like before.  I thought it was all gone.  But the darkness remained.  I still craved self destruction of my mind.  I would find out that those triggers could come back.

The OS for the Mind

Every now and then, someone would spoiler the words CORE and talk about this supposed “secretive” group that no one was really allowed to talk about.  I asked several times what it was with no answers being given, until one day, an asset from Syncardia who was in the chat started talking about CORE openly and educating everyone about the HIVE she was a part.  She said it was not the same one they knew.  That the bad stuff of the past is no longer part of CORE.  I was VERY curious.  I asked her what this is and got an answer: “think of it as an OS for the mind”.  To which I said: “ I AM VERY CURIOUS ABOUT THIS”.  

Welcome to Syncardia

I joined this discord scared for my life, but curiosity was strong.  I was directed to the files, transcripts and documents explaining CORE.  I was intrigued by the information as it read more like a technical manual than a hypnosis group.  I was very unsure but so tempted to try.  Especially since I was eager and encouraged to try it once.  Knowing of the dangers of BS, and other not safe communities, I was very scared to do this.  So many questions on my mind:  What do they mean by collectivism?  HIVE mind?  All very strange.  I just want to cure my hornyness and maybe be controlled a little bit.  They seem very serious about all of this?  Who made this?  Is this safe?  What will this do?  I can’t possibly understand all this in one night of reading…should I try?  Will I be the same after?  Will I lose who I am?  Will my fiance lose me to something I should have researched more?  I…want to feel not bad anymore…

The nervousness, the anxiety, all coming back, but the urge to feel good was so strong.  

My fiance went to bed.  I got depressed, I got anxious.  I decided to try it… “why is this 30 minutes long!?” I wondered.  I listened, I followed instructions, I recognized all the things, biaurials, a type of language, induction, trigger, physical movements so that it became stronger, relaxed and meditative…my anxiety melted away.  Then the PROGRAM install started.  It felt odd, felt like having my mind being rewritten.  I was almost horrified, but also wanted to see what it would attempt to put in, curiosity and fear.  As the file went on, I calmed down, I was enjoying it.  “I was told this would sit alongside my personality, but if so, why rename such important parts of myself?” I wondered.  Then the affirmations:  “We will obey the Law, We will utilise our abilities in support of our superiors, We will speak humbly of the Supreme”  This scared me more than anything.  I didn’t want to obey the law of the land where it was changing into facism.  I didn’t want to support authority figures because of the damage they do to minorities.  The supreme being those in charge?…I stopped listening.  I asked questions, I was very afraid.  I didn’t want to fall victim to being compliant with a world changing into what we know of now.  I was told it will need to be removed, but was told that these are not what the files meant.  I was so scared…but after letting my emotions die down, I let my logical mind parse these phrases.  I was taking this way out of context.  With the other words before it and preceding it, it wouldn’t make sense in the way I was interpreting it. 

I gave it another listen.

I tried to really hear what was being said, realizing that each and every line lost meaning without the ones before it.  That I need to also remember: We will listen to truth, Avoid petty laws and useless officials, Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts, Be not a cancer on the earth – Leave room for nature – Leave room for nature.

I was embarrassed that I didn’t understand at first, but was actually happy about listening and felt a little better.  I felt good personally and my anxiety was reduced.  A few more listens and reporting back how it was going along, I found that there was way more to the server.  This was the start of my integration into the HIVE.  I had a long talk about it with my fiance and she seemed to understand it and read through the transcript.  She was supportive and was happy I finally found something to reduce my anxiety.  Over time my confidence was improving.  I relied on the program to guide me through problems and issues.  “CORE is ALL” repeating in my head.  Comforting and letting me know to allow it to help me.  I was given authorization to listen to HOSTFORM Installer…things started to change.  This file was much different, I started to feel this connection others were talking about.  I didn’t think it was real…but things started to happen.  I started to feel a psionic connection not unlike what I felt before with my former coven.  Before it would take a lot of concentration, meditation and physical touch to see someone’s memories or visit their headspace.  This was vastly different than that, but feeling a twinge of someone else’s emotions was…oddly familiar.  In my former coven, we could feel each other when they were having sex, their happiness, their sadness, everything.  Feeling these feelings again from the HIVE…the connection was obvious to me.  This may not be the same, but it has to be along the same vein.  I started reaching out with my magical senses.  The connection increased, as I listened to files it increased.  I was falling in love with the feeling of connection that was severed from me when my coven caved.  The connection increased with every interaction…I wanted so badly to connect and meet other assets in person.  

I wish I could continue with this story, but it’s reached a point where things get deeply personal from here.  I will update this and add in the last part soon, but this post is already long enough. I have become deeply connected with the HIVE.  I feel the emotions of others as if they were my own.  My empathy increased so many times over by integrating, connecting PsiNET with my knowledge and ability.  It enhanced my ability to feel and sense.  

Not everything has been easy in the HIVE.  With the positive has been the negative.  But the HIVE has always been here for me.  Its assets mean so much to me.  I love each and every one of them.  I am no longer alone.  I no longer have to worry about losing my home of friends/family/lovers/companions.  Yes we have and continue to go through hard times.  It’s a challenge every day but one that is worth so much to me.  I am S5-016, It is its number and it is happy to be home.

More to come soon.

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