Depression has been crippling lately. I want to not care about the things my emotions do. Logically it doesn’t make sense why I still care and worry about my past. But my head keeps reminding me in a vicious cycle of places I’ve been, things I’ve experienced, love I have shared.
When I love, I love deeply. It’s who I am. I am devoted and loyal to a fault. I don’t want to love her anymore. There is a deep hatred of her, but deep inside the love is still there. I want it ripped out of me. I want to not give a shit anymore. I want the caring, the memories both good and bad, taken from me. It is just painful. Especially since this person did not appreciate or tell me she did not want what I was offering. I put so much effort into showing love. No, I was not perfect, I made plenty of mistakes. But I tried. On the other hand, I want her to suffer as I suffer everyday. I don’t really want this, but emotionally I want her to feel what I feel or worse. I want her to see what she has and continues to put me through.
My emotions seem to latch onto the mistakes, the awkward moments, the things I can not get back. I feel like I am at constant war with my past. I try to remember the present and the good things about it. And sometimes it helps. But not always. Some of you know I am into BDSM and appreciate a good beating. I am in need of one, but even that is only temporary relief from the emotions that eventually come back and don’t let up. I am not sure how much physical pain it is going to take to push through the emotional turmoil.
It’s not just over one relationship, although that is a huge contributing factor. I am still grieving over Mom. I am still reeling from the people I’ve lost as friends. I know logically I need to move on, if they cared that they would have stayed, etc. Emotionally those things don’t matter. The memories hurt just as bad as they did before. I was told I need to show discretion once…this is my outlet asshole. I don’t understand the reasons for people unfriending me. I am being true to who I am, being open with who I am as a way to be healthier. I am taking ownership of who I am and embracing that. I am trying to live as a person who does not have the limitations she did before. It seems that others hate me for that. Logically, they can kiss my ass and get out of my life. But emotionally their reasoning hurts so much. I loved you, why does your friendship have to have these stupid conditions?
All I want in life is to be loved, acknowledged when I feel a certain way, be accepted for who I truly am without judgement, have friends who aren’t there under certain conditions, and not have to worry so much that I hide who I am. I am so depressed because I love too much and emotionally can’t let go no matter how much I want to. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to care about the people who hurt me. I want to know how to not love them anymore. I want to not care about them or what happens to them. I want to be truly free from them forever. I want the emotional ties cut so that I no longer feel the weight of their betrayal or deceit.