I have lost friends over this. I have stopped talking to people. My circle is tiny now. There are maybe a handful of people I can call friends.
My worst fear is abandonment. I feel like once someone gets to know me, they leave. Either by moving away, by going silent, by ignoring me, etc. I have been left to many times by people I care about. I can’t just stop caring about those people, but either they leave me or I have to leave them to be healthy. When I have to leave, it’s because they want to rely on me to help them out of their emotional hole. Yet they are unable or unwilling to help themselves. I can not be dragged down into their despair because I have my own to deal with. I want to help those I care about, but if they are not willing to put in the effort, what is the point? I can’t solve problems of others, I can only offer help. When I see they are trying to pull me down with them, I have to leave.
I wonder if people feel the same way about me and leave me because of the same reasons. I like to think that I do not try to pull people down with me. I like to think that I try to fix my own issues and just need someone to listen and acknowledge me from time to time. I just don’t know. But I no longer have the friends I use to. The ones I still have that I consider close are physically so far away. The ones that are close by physically are new friends that don’t really know me. That is not their fault though. I don’t really open up like I use to anymore. I don’t want to risk being hurt again. It has happened too much. I do not want to open up, just to be abandoned like others have done.
I feel stuck, I want close friends again, but either they are unable to or I am unable to open up. It makes me feel alone a lot. I know only I can change this, but it doesn’t make the feeling of despair go away. There is a great divide that seems hard to cross.
