Dear Mom,

I have a lot of things I never got to say.  You left before I had a chance to say them.  I was not brave enough to say them at the time.  I have ignored or pushed away how I’ve felt about you for years.  It’s time I stop that today.

I was sad that you left, but more worried about Dad.  I suppressed my grief.  I did for him because he just lost the one he loved.  I don’t know exactly how that feels to lose someone in that way.  I can imagine it, in some ways I can feel it.  It’s a heavy weight that I wanted to help him with.  Eventually the weight lifted where he could deal on his own so that I could get back to trying to deal with my own emotional weight.  I still suppressed my grief.  I didn’t want to feel it.  A year of standing still, imagining I was happy.  Constantly reminded of what is wrong.  Just trying to get by and build on other things.  Play games until all hours of the night to forget about the pain.  Any issue within the groups of friends I had, any issues with my wife, made the thoughts come back.  I finally decided to be happy.

I decided to start living as I truly am Mom.  I started going to a therapist to take care of it.  She diagnosed me with gender dysphoria.  Mom, I’m not your son, I never was.  I was the girl you wanted.  I am your daughter.  I don’t even know if you understand this or not or why the sudden change.  You being gone was a reminder that I need to find happiness.  I expected you to be mad or frustrated at me if you were to ever find out these feelings I had about myself.  The things you would say, the attitude about me not being masculine enough, that hurt.  It made me angry at you for not understanding.  I felt I could never tell you that inside I am female.

But, I forgive you.

You only went on what you knew.  Me not being the man your raised may have made you feel like you are a failure and it didn’t feel good.  Mom, you raised a perfectly good person.  Gender has nothing to do with it or feel guilty about.  You should be proud of the daughter who is becoming the woman she should have been.  I have made lots of major changes and survived some really harsh emotional stuff.  I am about to be divorced, I am accepting my true gender, I am changing my spirituality, I am deepening the healthy friendships I have into very loving relationships.

I have never been able to say that I love myself.  To think it would be embarrassing at best.  That is no longer true.  Every morning I see a pretty face in the mirror.  It’s not a perfect face, but one that has lived through the scars of the past.  One who knows who she is and is not afraid to say so.  One who is growing more confident everyday.  But one that also misses you a lot.

I miss you mom.  I love you.  I wish I could have told you about all of this.  I wish we could live through this transition of my life together.  To see the person I am and make you proud.  But I will be okay mom.  You raised a good person, a very loving person.  I will remember you always.

Love,

Sara

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Social Digging

Yes, I said I may not write for a while.  Sometimes things change and you just have to get something out.

Social situations are often an awkward affair.  Usually why I tend to sit back and be an observer instead of a participant.  Eventually, if you listen and observe long enough, you see issues between people for what they are.  Sometimes it hits you like a ton of bricks.  Sometimes you have an idea of how to start fixing it, sometimes you do not.

Lack of sleep tends to bring about emotional clarity.  At least, that’s how I feel it works for me.  The situation I am referring to above will be explained in an analogy.  Bare with me if you will.

You start getting interested in what some of your friends are doing.  You see them shoveling a shiny pile of stuff from one pile to another.  You wonder “how can I have my own pile of shiny stuff to shovel?”.  You ask your friend, they explain what they are doing and give you some pointers to how you can start this yourself.  You find out this thing they are doing is called Shiny Shovelin.  It’s a practice well known and something that really interests you.  So you start collecting your shiny pile to shovel and start shovelin!  You keep talking to this person and other people, asking questions about shovelin.  You start to learn a lot.  Eventually your friend wants to share in a common interest you both have, invites you to watch them shovel.  Eventually they would like you to shovel with them.  How exciting!  You go along and watch them.  You go to more shovelin meetings, your starting to understand things, the motivations for who, what and why.  You like the closeness the team seems to have.  But there are cracks.  They don’t always agree on how to do the shovelin.  Person in charge says “Can we please start shovelin?”.  Others hear it, but it seems like an option instead of a request.  You see and hear the mis-communication.  You want to say something, but can’t because the pile is not yours.  You can not say how, when or where they should shovel.  But you see the problems with mis-communication, mis-interpretation, insecurities of other shovel-ers, and lack of trust.  You wonder why you would want to shovel with them.

Any group with a goal in mind needs good leadership, but also needs good inner communication.  Trust is a hard thing to gain, but in a social group setting, is essential.  Compassion for when things don’t go your way or others way is a key factor as well.  Sometimes we don’t have time to shovel that pile.  We have other piles we have to shovel that no one is helping us with.  Those piles are our responsibility.  The group pile, the one you have a passion for, should not turn into a chore.  But it takes some sacrifice from everyone.  Everyone has to trust one another, everyone needs to be clear on their intent, everyone needs to clearly communicate what they want, and finally everyone needs to be compassionate for each other.  All groups have a certain level of intimacy that they build depending on the dynamic, needs of the group, and the bonds that are formed.  The things mentioned before are so important to have and build for the group to grow.  Otherwise, the pile never gets any lower, someone feels like they do all the work, people feel left out, etc.

I hope that this helps someone, as silly as it may sound.  Analogies are funny like that.  But I think this can be applied to most, if not all groups of friends, people, or work environments.  Now lets dig that pile!

Nothing

I have run out of things I care to share publicly.  I still write, a lot even.  The time for making it public is done.  Not that I don’t want to share things with people.  But I have nothing good to share.  I may come back and write again, but for now, there is nothing to say.  I can not help but protect myself at this crucial moment.  I am in pain still, it’s different every day.  But I can’t continue to share it here.  It’s just too personal.