I have a lot of things I never got to say. You left before I had a chance to say them. I was not brave enough to say them at the time. I have ignored or pushed away how I’ve felt about you for years. It’s time I stop that today.
I was sad that you left, but more worried about Dad. I suppressed my grief. I did for him because he just lost the one he loved. I don’t know exactly how that feels to lose someone in that way. I can imagine it, in some ways I can feel it. It’s a heavy weight that I wanted to help him with. Eventually the weight lifted where he could deal on his own so that I could get back to trying to deal with my own emotional weight. I still suppressed my grief. I didn’t want to feel it. A year of standing still, imagining I was happy. Constantly reminded of what is wrong. Just trying to get by and build on other things. Play games until all hours of the night to forget about the pain. Any issue within the groups of friends I had, any issues with my wife, made the thoughts come back. I finally decided to be happy.
I decided to start living as I truly am Mom. I started going to a therapist to take care of it. She diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. Mom, I’m not your son, I never was. I was the girl you wanted. I am your daughter. I don’t even know if you understand this or not or why the sudden change. You being gone was a reminder that I need to find happiness. I expected you to be mad or frustrated at me if you were to ever find out these feelings I had about myself. The things you would say, the attitude about me not being masculine enough, that hurt. It made me angry at you for not understanding. I felt I could never tell you that inside I am female.
But, I forgive you.
You only went on what you knew. Me not being the man your raised may have made you feel like you are a failure and it didn’t feel good. Mom, you raised a perfectly good person. Gender has nothing to do with it or feel guilty about. You should be proud of the daughter who is becoming the woman she should have been. I have made lots of major changes and survived some really harsh emotional stuff. I am about to be divorced, I am accepting my true gender, I am changing my spirituality, I am deepening the healthy friendships I have into very loving relationships.
I have never been able to say that I love myself. To think it would be embarrassing at best. That is no longer true. Every morning I see a pretty face in the mirror. It’s not a perfect face, but one that has lived through the scars of the past. One who knows who she is and is not afraid to say so. One who is growing more confident everyday. But one that also misses you a lot.
I miss you mom. I love you. I wish I could have told you about all of this. I wish we could live through this transition of my life together. To see the person I am and make you proud. But I will be okay mom. You raised a good person, a very loving person. I will remember you always.