To get better sometimes means feeling the worst of what ails you.
I have been so grateful for meeting a group of friends that have been there through all my emotional issues. It helps when you have a group with a common interest that can come together. Not only being accepted, but also looking past the problems and just talking about the thing that we came together for. Being accepted as part of the group can help when you feel like you are alone. Especially when your exploring a new part of who you are.
Even with the good, there are the times when I come back home and remember. Memories tied to things, some material, some digital. In this case, it was all the digital memories. Lots of things that were created together. Pictures, videos, projects, vacations, graphics. Every part of it a memory of something I no longer have. It hurt, a lot.
I cried for a while, it was ugly. I both needed to happen and did not need to. The emotions need to be let out, but I can’t keep feeling this way when I am alone. Lately I have been feeling dysphoric at work. Sometimes causing major anxiety. I am tired of coming here, wearing this uniform of a person I am not. A mixture of these two feelings hit me yesterday while I was still at work. I had to close my office door because I could not control the tears. I am lucky to have the friends I do, that are willing to listen to me when I am in this much distress. I can’t thank them enough.
The hurt I felt brought back the issues I’m facing. I am not over it by a long shot. The days that are good are increasing in amount, but there are still days that are some of the most hurtful they have ever been. I know it won’t be fixed overnight. I am thankful for all the support I have had so far. I hope that those around me are patient enough to listen when I am having one of those days. I personally am always there for them, but even if someone says otherwise, I still feel I am a burden. So much pressure in the world to “feel positive” or “enjoy life”. You know though, sometimes I am not okay. Sometimes I am not feeling good. And that is okay for me to feel that way. I need to so I can heal.