I’m 12 again…

Hormones can do strange things to you.  I never understood what changes someone goes through when they are going through puberty.  I never knew what a girl might go through in that time of their life…until now.

Before I start, I realize this is my own personal experience.  This does not speak for all girls who have gone through puberty because I can not know what someone else might have experienced.  But some of the stereotypical stuff is happening to me.  I have several crushes on people that I normally would not have had an interest in.  It’s sometimes awkward as I feel like I’m embarrassed to talk to them because I have anxiety from liking them in that way.  I realize this will pass, but the feelings right now are VERY hard to ignore or suppress.

Mood swings are a bit worse at times.  I take things a bit to far in my mind.  I fear situations are one way and worry about them when they are not that way.  Over worrying about what others think about me and thinking every corner that there is hidden drama going on behind my back.  Logically I know this is not what is going on, but again, that feeling is not easy to ignore.

Being alone (as in no partner) is a bit more painful.  Not only because it happened after something so long term, but also because of the heightened emotional state.  I started accounts on dating sites to try and stem some of this, but I feel like it will not be helpful.  I need to try and do something, but often do not know what to do.  I’ve got to at least make an attempt, even if it’s just makes me feel better temporarily. I want to date someone, but I know logically it’s probably not a good idea.

I am tired everyday again, almost falling out of my chair at work.  At home, naps are a godsend.  I have lots of stuff to do at home, but am often too tired to do anything about it.  Last night I ate dinner and fell asleep at 6:30ish.  Did not wake up until 10:30ish that night.  I can say, at least, that the house feels like a safe place for once.  I am not scared to be there.  I am tired of the loneliness I feel when I am there though.  It is comfort in solitude when solitude is not something I want right now.

I am not okay being alone.  Never was.  I am a much different person when I am.  I am lazy and depressed.  I know in time this will change.  I know it won’t always be this way, but it hurts everyday.  Most days it’s easier to just take a nap and forget about these problems.

2 thoughts on “I’m 12 again…”

  1. Your post is wonderful to read, as one who has dreamed about being on the same journey you are on for a very long time and i am thrilled for you. It helps that you write soo well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the complement on writing. I can’t say everyday is me living a dream so much as a perilous journey. The journey to be myself. It’s hard most days. But I look at the alternative and I can’t continue to live the way I did before. I have to go forward no matter how hard it can or is going to be.

      Like

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