In times of lots of stress, you start to see what kind of person you really are. Often barriers are broken during these times that can not be mended. In this case, I think it’s for my own good.
All of my emotional side has been tested, pushed to the limit, pushed past it, and now I’m rethinking what my feelings really are about a lot of things. Due to the nature of some of these changes and what they mean to some people, this will be mostly vague.
Beliefs change, mature, and grow as you grow. They are your personal truth and understanding. Especially in the matters of spiritual things. Often some people don’t see or feel anything in their chosen denomination, yet still believe it. Blind faith as it were. I was one of these. What was told to me and what I have seen have not always aligned. There are times, especially when something traumatic happens, that shows you a whole new path. My eyes feel like they have been opened for the first time. I feel and see things I have never experienced or considered before. I am like a child learning things for the first time all over again. I often ask lately “what is happening to me”. I know the answer.
I am discovering myself for the first time wholeheartedly. Without the things I fear, without my hangups or misconceptions. It is revealing, but very scary. The path had an end goal. I can no longer see what the end game is and its a bit intimidating. We only have one life to lead, the journey is more important than the goal.
Two weeks ago I was a much different person. I don’t know who or what I am still, but I am not the same as I was. Who will be accepting of this new person when others truly get to know me? Only time will tell, but I can not let those opinions hold me back. I may lose friends, I may gain others. In the end it will all be ok. I will be me for once.