I’ve never hurt as bad as I do now. Going to work doesn’t seem like it was a good idea. It was not a break from the pain. Yesterday my brain had only one theme in mind: end the pain permanently. I could not shut it off, it would not stop. I am too much of a coward to actually see it through. I am worried more about hurting others by hurting myself. Those feelings and thoughts are suppressed for now at least.
All I want right now is comfort. A simple hug, someone to have dinner with me, something that will help me not feel I am alone. There is only so much that can be done in text. I realize not everyone has the capacity or ability to do that (mentally, physically, or otherwise). I am partially to blame for not going out of my way to seek that. I don’t want to cry in front of my family. This is not a pride thing mind you. Trust with my feelings is something that holds a lot of meaning to me. I do not trust my family with my feelings gushing out everywhere. It’s why I didn’t come out to them until much later. Trust is the foundation upon which I reveal parts of myself to others. Its also how I form connections to others. I don’t always do this actively or willingly. I just know what I can trust to people innately. But not everyone can emotionally handle a person in my state, and they should not feel that they are obligated to, no matter what level of friendship. Some are physically too far away to do so. Other various reasons that I don’t blame anyone for. I don’t want to replace what I lost. Just need a hand on my shoulder, a gesture, something to remind me I am not alone.
Logically I know I am not. But logic is rarely relief. The feelings of the heart do not care about logic.
Please understand I am not asking anyone for anything. No one should feel obligated to offer or give any one thing physically, emotionally, or otherwise. I am alone and don’t know what to do. Time heals wounds, but I need to stop from bleeding out (mentally)