I’m 12 again…

Hormones can do strange things to you.  I never understood what changes someone goes through when they are going through puberty.  I never knew what a girl might go through in that time of their life…until now.

Before I start, I realize this is my own personal experience.  This does not speak for all girls who have gone through puberty because I can not know what someone else might have experienced.  But some of the stereotypical stuff is happening to me.  I have several crushes on people that I normally would not have had an interest in.  It’s sometimes awkward as I feel like I’m embarrassed to talk to them because I have anxiety from liking them in that way.  I realize this will pass, but the feelings right now are VERY hard to ignore or suppress.

Mood swings are a bit worse at times.  I take things a bit to far in my mind.  I fear situations are one way and worry about them when they are not that way.  Over worrying about what others think about me and thinking every corner that there is hidden drama going on behind my back.  Logically I know this is not what is going on, but again, that feeling is not easy to ignore.

Being alone (as in no partner) is a bit more painful.  Not only because it happened after something so long term, but also because of the heightened emotional state.  I started accounts on dating sites to try and stem some of this, but I feel like it will not be helpful.  I need to try and do something, but often do not know what to do.  I’ve got to at least make an attempt, even if it’s just makes me feel better temporarily. I want to date someone, but I know logically it’s probably not a good idea.

I am tired everyday again, almost falling out of my chair at work.  At home, naps are a godsend.  I have lots of stuff to do at home, but am often too tired to do anything about it.  Last night I ate dinner and fell asleep at 6:30ish.  Did not wake up until 10:30ish that night.  I can say, at least, that the house feels like a safe place for once.  I am not scared to be there.  I am tired of the loneliness I feel when I am there though.  It is comfort in solitude when solitude is not something I want right now.

I am not okay being alone.  Never was.  I am a much different person when I am.  I am lazy and depressed.  I know in time this will change.  I know it won’t always be this way, but it hurts everyday.  Most days it’s easier to just take a nap and forget about these problems.

Unexpected Paths

In times of lots of stress, you start to see what kind of person you really are.  Often barriers are broken during these times that can not be mended.  In this case, I think it’s for my own good.

All of my emotional side has been tested, pushed to the limit, pushed past it, and now I’m rethinking what my feelings really are about a lot of things.  Due to the nature of some of these changes and what they mean to some people, this will be mostly vague.

Beliefs change, mature, and grow as you grow.  They are your personal truth and understanding.  Especially in the matters of spiritual things.  Often some people don’t see or feel anything in their chosen denomination, yet still believe it.  Blind faith as it were.  I was one of these.  What was told to me and what I have seen have not always aligned.  There are times, especially when something traumatic happens, that shows you a whole new path.  My eyes feel like they have been opened for the first time.  I feel and see things I have never experienced or considered before.  I am like a child learning things for the first time all over again.  I often ask lately “what is happening to me”.  I know the answer.

I am discovering myself for the first time wholeheartedly.  Without the things I fear, without my hangups or misconceptions.  It is revealing, but very scary.  The path had an end goal.  I can no longer see what the end game is and its a bit intimidating.  We only have one life to lead, the journey is more important than the goal.

Two weeks ago I was a much different person.  I don’t know who or what I am still, but I am not the same as I was.  Who will be accepting of this new person when others truly get to know me?  Only time will tell, but I can not let those opinions hold me back.  I may lose friends, I may gain others.  In the end it will all be ok.  I will be me for once.

I’m ready to get off this ride.

This roller coaster of a journey has suddenly taken a bad turn. There is track missing that I didn’t see before. It’s going to hurt. Such is life right now. No one said the journey was all about the good positive things. At times its felt like there are just no more tears I can shed. It’s taken almost a week and 1/2 to get to where I feel numb. At times it still hurts so bad that I loose control, I just can’t hold the tears back. But it IS getting better.

Thank you friends for talking to me and helping me get some perspective or being comforting. It’s taken some time for me to realize what I really want or need. Feelings I’ve ignored for years to try to be a better partner, yet failing to do so.  For that I am sorry.  I made many mistakes, we both did.  I hope we come out of this as better people.

Right now I think it is best to go try and see some people, to get out of my current surroundings for a bit.  I hope that I can afford to do so.  I don’t even know all the places I want to go.

As much as I want to leave, the feeling of responsibility is looming.  I feel as if I can’t functionally get it all done.  I know what needs to be done, but picking up the phone to do it is hurtful.  I even had hell trying to make myself dinner.  Not because it was hard, but because it was something I shared and enjoyed.  Now it feels like a reminder of what I don’t have.

It is getting better slowly, VERY slowly.  I know it will pass, but in those times of hurt, it seems really far away.  I will try to be hopeful, but not everyday will be that way.  I can’t thank people enough for being there when I really need a lift up.  I can not do this on my own.

Empty house, silence

I’ve never hurt as bad as I do now.  Going to work doesn’t seem like it was a good idea.  It was not a break from the pain.  Yesterday my brain had only one theme in mind: end the pain permanently.  I could not shut it off, it would not stop.  I am too much of a coward to actually see it through.  I am worried more about hurting others by hurting myself.  Those feelings and thoughts are suppressed for now at least.

All I want right now is comfort.  A simple hug, someone to have dinner with me, something that will help me not feel I am alone.  There is only so much that can be done in text.  I realize not everyone has the capacity or ability to do that (mentally, physically, or otherwise).  I am partially to blame for not going out of my way to seek that.  I don’t want to cry in front of my family.  This is not a pride thing mind you.  Trust with my feelings is something that holds a lot of meaning to me.  I do not trust my family with my feelings gushing out everywhere.  It’s why I didn’t come out to them until much later.  Trust is the foundation upon which I reveal parts of myself to others.  Its also how I form connections to others.  I don’t always do this actively or willingly.  I just know what I can trust to people innately.  But not everyone can emotionally handle a person in my state, and they should not feel that they are obligated to, no matter what level of friendship.  Some are physically too far away to do so.  Other various reasons that I don’t blame anyone for.  I don’t want to replace what I lost.  Just need a hand on my shoulder, a gesture, something to remind me I am not alone.

Logically I know I am not.  But logic is rarely relief.  The feelings of the heart do not care about logic.

Please understand I am not asking anyone for anything.  No one should feel obligated to offer or give any one thing physically, emotionally, or otherwise.  I am alone and don’t know what to do.  Time heals wounds, but I need to stop from bleeding out (mentally)

Broken

Today I lost the person I care about most.  Our relationship is over.  I am lost, thoughts of terrible things going through my being.  I hope that the separation doesn’t hurt our friends or that they think ill of me or her.  I do not know how to continue other than feel pain right now.  Time may not heal this wound.  As much as I hate to copy others works, this songs lyrics are very relevant to me. 

Nine Inch Nalis – Hurt
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way