FTW…Hatred of Things

For the longest time, FTW to me never meant for the win.  It meant fuck the world.  Fuck it for its judgments, its prejudices, its awful situations and people.  It was a philosophy that I followed almost like dogma.  I was bullied a lot growing up.  You build ways to cope with them, good or bad.  Mine was to shun the world and accept my place as an outcast.  Not worth the oxygen I breath.  Yet I still remained, to scared to end it all.  It turned into a protest.  Silent, but strong.  I exist, therefore you have to deal with this retched piece of shit.  I am here to represent what you hate, what  you loathe.

This was a pretty toxic way of thinking for me.  Self destructive even.  Emotions can not be hidden.  They build up inside and add pressure until you burst.  I said I did not care, I drank the hidden pain away, I smoked myself stupid to not think about it.  I hit things when I could not hold it in any longer.  I stopped giving a damn about how I looked or what I did.  Work/Career were meaningless.  I hated the world I lived in and most of the people in it.

I had a few friends.  Some even shared my pain.  But I had friends because I needed to belong to something.  If you were my friend then, I trusted you.  You had access to things I told no one.  You betray that, I erased you from existence in my mind.  I would even make it hard to call me, or even see me.  Moved a few times because of it.  If it weren’t for those friends though.  I would still be lost.

A friend of mine wanted to look for girls online.  I had a free AOL account and said, sure, come on by.  Talked to some people, found one girl who knew someone we knew from a former call center job.  Decided to talk to her.  He found out she was 16 and moved on.  Me being a bored fuck, decided to just talk to her anyway.  Its not like I was interested in sex.  I was 20 living in my parents house and still a virgin.  I gave up LONG ago.

We started to talk a bit online.  Eventually talking on the phone.  This girl was really cool.  Had some of the same interests and feelings like I did.  I found a kindred soul.  None of my friends and I saw everything eye to eye.  So this was a strange but amazing change.  We talked more and more.  Sometimes for most of the night.  Felt good to express the issues I think about and worry about.  The deeper parts of my thoughts I try to drink away, that I don’t always want to remember.

One day…she wanted to meet me.  I didn’t know what to say or think other than I was excited.  A friend in another town that I can hang out with!  I thought this might be the beginning of a different  group of people who I could become associated with, befriend, etc.  Finally get out of my small home town for once.  She came over, with a friend.  I was outside, apparently they did not see me.  I ran up to the car…scared the shit out of them.  I thought they saw me.  (great first impression idiot).  After some apologies and what not, took a ride with them.  I was so nervous.  They went in the wrong direction…i wondered why.  I finally asked them after 10 minutes.  They were lost.  Finally made it to their town after a laugh and an anxiety inducing time for me.

That’s how I first met Lost.  A random, unintended encounter.  I never would have known that she would be the one.  She was my light out of the tunnel of self loathing and hatred.  She gave me confidence, taught me how to cook (parents suck at cooking).  I am a better person with her.

I still hated the world.

Something was still not right.  This anger, hatred, loathing.  It was not going away.  I was able to show love and other emotions.  But when it went south, the anger came forth.  FTW this is stupid, these people are trash, fuck it all.  I started going to therapy.  It helped a little.  I was not the stupid one, my actions are.  It helped me hate a bit less and realize that I have done this to myself.  I started to see that the FTW attitude was not working and has never worked.  I thought I needed a different job, a new start.  Lost losing a job helped push this.

Found a job here, a good one!  A boss who respects his co-workers, treats you with respect, good pay.  It was what I thought I needed.  Lost came with me after 3 long months.  She found the job she wanted as well!  Things seemed great.  Losts job was soul crushing with awful people and politics.  Mine was not hard, but I have to deal literally with politicians.  She lost her job because of stupid reasons.  Got another one at another soul crushing place.  I felt bad.  Almost like our roles were switched career wise.  I hated my last job.

Mom passed away.

It didn’t happen at first.  But eventually I realized something broke in me, something shattered.  I cared about the world the entire time.  I lied to myself about not caring.  I hated the things that happened in it that were unfair to me.  Unfair to my family and friends.  It hurt me every time I heard a bad thing happening, or when I saw it.  The pain came back.  It was all bottled up.  The pressure is still present now.  I have been slowly letting off the steam.  I finally decided to try to be happy.

I’ve known about my gender issues for a long time.  Its the source of some of my anger, hatred and frustration.  Getting beat up in school because I’m not tough.  Beat up or made fun of because I was different.  Being jealous of not being able to express myself at home or in public.  It soured my world view.  Now that I’m on this journey, The steam, the pressure is coming off.  It’s a mood swing there, a cry here, so on and so on.  For the first time in my life I can see the good in the world.  Not just hatred.  I no longer want to say fuck the world for all the things in it.  I am thankful to be a part of it.  To see the beauty for what it is and not be drowned in the darkness of sorrow and self loathing.

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