The goal always seems so far away…
I am relaxed for once at work. First time in a long time that I haven’t had a bit of anxiety. I have not had a relaxing vacation in a long time (relaxing for the mind at least). I am even working on sort of difficult stuff and its really not affecting my mood too much. I usually get a bit annoyed, anxious and start freaking out that I did something wrong. Today, meh, just in the “got to get things done correct” mode. I even made a mistake and it did not affect me as much as it usually does. I also got to cure my collecting fix, eat some good food, and have great laughs with twitter friends. I really needed this. To be around like minded people who are just accepting from the get go and just want to have a good time. I like spending time with current friends that are close by, but those times a few and far between because of their schedules being busy, having jobs, or other things. Also it’s not often you get to go on trips like this with your friends because of the above reasons.
Most of the weekend I was in female mode or semi-female mode. It was a bit liberating to be myself for so long. Although I was still very nervous in front of strangers. As the weekend went on, with some help from online friends and some kind words, I relaxed a bit. I even got some cute pictures. One ended up online, although I am not sure anyone can tell. I did go a little light on makeup because I figured I would be hot. I think I am on the down hill part of my journey as far as the chemically induced emotions go. Things are starting to seem more normal and not so out of control. I still have mood swings, but it seems like those are lessening a bit. Also got my prescription moved to a not as stupid pharmacy.
I really don’t like how people in the medical profession (doctors, prescribers, office staff, etc.) are so rude to some people for no good reason. I get not all people are like this. People have bad days and can’t always be expected to greet you with a smile. They have emotions and carry the weight of their problems. What I am talking about is the disrespect and not giving a shit about it. People hate their jobs sometimes. I get that. But like any business, your customers are important. In this case, you are talking about things that directly affect a persons body. I for one take it very seriously and don’t have as much patience as I probably should. I am lucky that I am not in physical pain or have cancer. People with these types of diseases that get treated to terrible medical staff must be devastating. I would probably flip out and cause myself even more stress. I think when its something like this that directly affects how you feel, you take it so personally, even something said by a medical professional that is innocuous could be taken as a slight. Its best to have a bit of patience with people who do these jobs. But its also very important that these workers also offer patience just the same. Patients do stupid shit. But office staff fuck up just as much. We are all human.
Today I am really feeling the pressure inside myself to just tell everyone who doesn’t know about me. I want to get it over with, I want to know who will accept me and who wont. I know who does to some extent, specifically the ones I’ve already talked to about it. Why is that not enough? I still feel held back by the fact I have to keep it from the world. I feel like I could use a bit of patience that I don’t have. I know its not a race. But that feeling is harder to ignore as days go by. From 8am to 5pm, I absolutely hate how I have to dress. The costume is getting heavy and old. I want it off as soon as I get home. I am constantly distressed by stupid things like my facial hair growing back just as fast as before. I want it gone forever. It hurts to shave it as often as I want it gone. Alternatives for permanent removal are expensive. I want to let my hair down instead of having to slick it back all the time. It’s actually getting harder to hide the fact I have long hair. I have to use bobby pins to keep it tied up. I get a little sad every morning when I look at my hair after brushed. I look at it and think “wow, it actually looks good like this, but I have to ruin it”
It feels vain to worry and think about my appearance. Before I never cared because I hated how I looked anyway. Which in turn made me hate myself. Now though. Every time I get a glimpse of what I could be, what I want to be, I feel a little better. I have a little hope, it makes my day. It’s hard to describe without sounding like I’m having a vanity crisis. I am not who I want to be yet. I do not look like that person, therefore I do not feel like that person. But I am just starting to see that person for the first time. Maybe if I just tell everyone I will become that person a little bit more. At least, that’s what it feels like inside. The more I look even a little female, the better I feel about myself, even if I am scared to show it due to fear of judgement.
I never liked anything about myself being male. I know that not all people like me experience this. It is unique to my journey. I would love to be as far away from my male side as possible. And that feeling grows stronger everyday, sometimes its painful. I don’t hate males though. They are great friends. The entire male stereotype to myself specifically, is not for me. Thankfully my male friends both online and offline don’t push these traits on others. But society as a whole does. It’s not easy to ignore the expectations society puts on genders. It’s not fair, ridiculous and should end. But I don’t see that happening overnight.
It has taken a lot of my energy to be ok with who I am, with some changes of course. But I can safely say, I’m getting there. I’m closer than I’ve ever been in my life.