Auto pilot, cruise control, something in your control you let go of so you can focus on other things. When used in your daily tasks, it gets you through the mundane. It is essential in how we function or I think we would loose our minds. There can be too much automation to our lives though. Doing it too much, you tend to forget or miss the things that really matter.
I have abused this for a while now. Saying I am refocusing on important things, but to tired or lazy to start them. I have less of an excuse now as I am getting use to medication and I’m not as tired. I’ve gotten use to doing nothing. Just saying get up and do it is not that easy a task. Time to start small and work my way back to the way I was. The end goals seem huge. I think we all have a blindness to how hard something actually is.
All of that being said. I have at least not forgotten about some of the things that I’ve ignored for a long time. Emotionally I am feeling better. Even though I am a sea of changing feelings, they seem more real than they ever have. I love my friends, I love talking to people who share similar intelligence and beliefs. Although I still take a long time to trust someone, it’s becoming easier to just be myself. To just talk to people and not constantly worry about their hidden intentions. For me, that takes a bit of forward thinking in itself.
I can’t just let myself blindly trust someone I’ve never met. I have to be super careful and only allow little bits of information to see how they react to it. If I am forced to reveal something that identifies me in real life, I typically give this person VERY little information about myself until I know for a fact that they are someone that I can trust with feelings, thoughts, etc. Then there are those that I just come out with something without letting them know personal identifying information. I feel like this is a better approach in some ways because it takes out that underlying tension within myself with little risk. This in itself seems like a double standard. Sometimes I feel like I’m being dishonest, but I’m not so sure. I think all of us with hold truths to protect ourselves or others. Most people won’t tell their parents about there bedroom fun.
Unfortunate thing about trust is that it’s hard to gain and easily lost. I have lost some trust in people I use to trust a lot over the years. Some I don’t even talk to anymore because of important things to me that they are against, something they said/did, or just drifting away because of not talking to each other. Now more than ever, the people I trust are a very small group because of major issues I have been trying to take care of.
I don’t begin to understand why my gender is an issue to the world. But some tend to take it personally and start hate campaigns. I feel very lucky that no one I talk to regularly have ever done something like this. But those that do, why? What about peoples gender or sexual orientation is hurtful? I am not asking for approval or agreement with my beliefs. Just to leave me the hell alone and let me have fair legal rights.
Was that a rant? On a positive note:
I am super excited about Super Bit Con. My partner and I have needed a good vacation for a while. We can indulge in our geekery, search and collect retro games, and eat/drink well. I haven’t had good German food in a long time, really looking forward to Ingrid’s. I really enjoy long drives where we can just talk or joke about things. Something we don’t really get to do much. Also get to meet up with some good internet friends. Something I wish I could afford to do more often.
I have met so many good people online, but most of them are pretty far away. I hope to visit some of you while I’m still able. My partner has always wanted to travel. Now more than ever we have so many reasons to. These are the things that really matter. The people I have built trust with, that I call friends or extended family, I want to meet them. Friends like that are really hard to find. Feels that we are literally searching the world for those who we can be comfortable with, have great laughs, enjoy the same things and just generally have a good time with. In my older years, family is what you make it, you don’t have to feel alone.