So a little warning about this place. It will be full of ill formed thoughts, opinions, grammatical and spelling errors, rants, trigger words, etc. Why would anyone want to read this? Not sure, but I need a place for my mind. A brain dump, a place where I can let myself be who I am. Hopefully share experiences with others. I am someone some of you know. Some of you know who I am, some don’t. Sorry about that. I will tell the world in time but bc of my job and possible backlash, I have to keep it to myself for now.
Lots of things have changed since I moved closer to my original home. Lost a parent, started a youtube channel, twitch channel and podcast. I decided to love myself and try to fix my issues I’ve ignored.
Losing mom was strange. We never really had that close of a relationship. Yet I was VERY sad for a long time. Took going to therapy to realize it was sadness from never having the supportive mother I wanted or needed. If I came out to her while she was still alive, she would not be supportive. The yelling would begin, arguments, etc. She was very strong willed and didn’t take her own criticism well. I’ve inherited these traits in some degrees, but have learned to cope with and attempt to account for them. Some days are easier than others. My medicine is surprisingly helping. Been on hormone therapy for a little over a month. Had plenty of mood swings. The moods are no longer JUST anger though. I actually feel a gamut of emotions and its very strange/different. Side effect though, I’ve been tired a lot lately. Its slowly getting better.
I have since given up on the youtube as its not something I want to do. I love streaming though and will continue to do so. I have really started working on my music more than I have in years. Have some good gems out there. I could be doing more, much more. It’s hard to get the motivation sometimes, especially with being constantly tired.
I have been so tired that I have not been very motivated at work. Not good. I get my work done as assigned. I could do more, but usually don’t. I really need to work on my career goals. I need to get my certifications for IT stuff so that I can change jobs. As much as I love the pay and the job, I can’t continue here. They would not be ok with my gender issues. And this is a very conservative area with no legal protections for transgender individuals. I am hopping the local university will be a bit more open to that as they have several groups that are supportive. And the university supports those in some way as well. I have read on some documents that they do not discriminate for gender identity. So at least there I would have protections due to company policy.
Living here though, still poses a challenge. It can be dangerous to go some places dressed as the gender I identify as. I could get beat up, murdered, etc. My wife worries about me. I’ve thought about getting a self defense weapon or taking classes. How I’ve dealt with it so far though, is trying to be with a group of people or go places that are ok with me (as few of those exist here).
That’s a quick summary of where I’m at and what I am doing. The journey will be hard. Not only for me, but for those close to me. I often feel like a burden to them. But I have to live as the person I am. I can not stand to be depressed anymore. The anxiety is overwhelming. I hate how I look in the mirror as a male. I have not experienced more happiness consistently than I have now. I am female. I’ve known it and lied to myself because I did not want to upset others. I can not and will not continue this anymore.