Appreciate the Small Things

It has been a very long time since I’ve just sat and enjoyed music.  Didn’t realize it until I stopped listening/reading the streams of consciousness on social media.  As much as I love to keep up with people, there is much value in taking time to unplug.

I have always liked The Luna Sequence.  Her music is amazing and I always forget to listen to her other albums.  Right now I am really digging the song Parallels on the album This Is Bloodlust.  She has no lyrics in any of her compilations that I know of.  This one is no different.  A perfect example of how raw emotion can be captured in sound.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alBZiXHYuG0  if you care to give it a listen.

I started looking for new music again because I have needed and wanted to make my own again, but lacked the motivation and drive to.  Some music makes me see a reflection of how far I have yet to go.  Kind of discouraging.  Then I hear stuff like this that is only slightly beyond my current talent, but I see how the song was put together.  I see hope, I see my own vision.  I suddenly feel its not always an uphill battle and that the goals are achievable.

It’s times like these I can feel good about myself instead of the bad that surrounds conversations lately.  Not that it’s bad for people to express negativity.  It’s a part of life we can not avoid.  I am there for my friends, but in taking all that and listening, it becomes a part of me.  I feel their hurt.  Perhaps I am being too empathetic?  I don’t know how else to be.  Its how I both understand and relate.  I don’t just listen, I feel.  If you cry on my shoulder, I may cry with you.

I love being able to do that.  I want to be there for everyone.  When my own life gives me social and emotional challenges, that strength is sapped quickly.  When others I love are attacked, I want to attack right back.  I fight more for others than I ever would for myself.  That right there sounds funny to me.  I’m not trying to be a hero, I just hate seeing others suffer.  I can hide my own suffering.  But to see someone else’s, especially if its someone I care about, hurts me deeply.

I want to continue helping if I can, to be there for others.  Lately I just feel weaker emotionally than before.  Some things I just can’t seem to cope with like before.  I am not sadder or more depressed.  But I do feel those feelings much more intensely.  Luckily, as the wind blows, the weather changes quickly.  Sometimes it just takes the right conditions to make it rain or shine.

Advertisements

Stream of Consciousness: Auto Pilot and Trust

Auto pilot, cruise control, something in your control you let go of so you can focus on other things.  When used in your daily tasks, it gets you through the mundane.  It is essential in how we function or I think we would loose our minds.  There can be too much automation to our lives though.  Doing it too much, you tend to forget or miss the things that really matter.

I have abused this for a while now.  Saying I am refocusing on important things, but to tired or lazy to start them.  I have less of an excuse now as I am getting use to medication and I’m not as tired.  I’ve gotten use to doing nothing.  Just saying get up and do it is not that easy a task.  Time to start small and work my way back to the way I was.  The end goals seem huge.  I think we all have a blindness to how hard something actually is.

All of that being said.  I have at least not forgotten about some of the things that I’ve ignored for a long time.  Emotionally I am feeling better.  Even though I am a sea of changing feelings, they seem more real than they ever have.  I love my friends, I love talking to people who share similar intelligence and beliefs.  Although I still take a long time to trust someone, it’s becoming easier to just be myself.  To just talk to people and not constantly worry about their hidden intentions.  For me, that takes a bit of forward thinking in itself.

I can’t just let myself blindly trust someone I’ve never met.  I have to be super careful and only allow little bits of information to see how they react to it.  If I am forced to reveal something that identifies me in real life, I typically give this person VERY little information about myself until I know for a fact that they are someone that I can trust with feelings, thoughts, etc.  Then there are those that I just come out with something without letting them know personal identifying information.  I feel like this is a better approach in some ways because it takes out that underlying tension within myself with little risk.  This in itself seems like a double standard.  Sometimes I feel like I’m being dishonest, but I’m not so sure.  I think all of us with hold truths to protect ourselves or others.  Most people won’t tell their parents about there bedroom fun.

Unfortunate thing about trust is that it’s hard to gain and easily lost.  I have lost some trust in people I use to trust a lot over the years.  Some I don’t even talk to anymore because of important things to me that they are against, something they said/did, or just drifting away because of not talking to each other.  Now more than ever, the people I trust are a very small group because of major issues I have been trying to take care of.

I don’t begin to understand why my gender is an issue to the world.  But some tend to take it personally and start hate campaigns.  I feel very lucky that no one I talk to regularly have ever done something like this.  But those that do, why?  What about peoples gender or sexual orientation is hurtful?  I am not asking for approval or agreement with my beliefs.  Just to leave me the hell alone and let me have fair legal rights.

Was that a rant?  On a positive note:

I am super excited about Super Bit Con.  My partner and I have needed a good vacation for a while.  We can indulge in our geekery, search and collect retro games, and eat/drink well.  I haven’t had good German food in a long time, really looking forward to Ingrid’s.  I really enjoy long drives where we can just talk or joke about things.  Something we don’t really get to do much.  Also get to meet up with some good internet friends.  Something I wish I could afford to do more often.

I have met so many good people online, but most of them are pretty far away.  I hope to visit some of you while I’m still able.  My partner has always wanted to travel.  Now more than ever we have so many reasons to.  These are the things that really matter.  The people I have built trust with, that I call friends or extended family, I want to meet them.  Friends like that are really hard to find.  Feels that we are literally searching the world for those who we can be comfortable with, have great laughs, enjoy the same things and just generally have a good time with.  In my older years, family is what you make it, you don’t have to feel alone.

Too much time to think.

The week seems to be going by slowly. Kind of slow at work, so lots of time to think about things I really need to do. I need to study for IT certifications, I need to get back on my diet, I need to clean this, or do that, etc. Modivation has been a challenge lately. It can be argued that I should just “get up and do it”. It’s simply not that easy at times.

I have been trying to get to know people better on facebook, twitter, and twitch (some old friends and family members as well). Also trying to make an effort to talk to my current friends more because I tend to forget about how they are doing when I have so much on my mind. I am sure they are busy as well. Really enjoying playing D&D again with a different group. Much different of a setting and better for my anxiety. It also gives my wife a chance to have some alone time to work on things she wants to.

I have not had my own alone time. I think I really need it so I can do the things I need or want to do. Otherwise I default to just wanting to cuddle or watch tv with her, which I really enjoy a lot. I think though we both forget to take care of the things for ourselves. Together is great, but alone time is sometimes nessesary. Some thing I read the other day reminded me to not forget about my other interests during transition. I will admit I have ignored some of them. I can’t afford to do that to myself.

I often wonder how often I will even post here, or if it will still be a thing I look at a year from now. I tend to start things, but not finish them if I feel the effort is not rewarding. Its silly to want that instant gratification I feel. I could get that from video games when I get through a hard part, but expecting it from real life is a bit of a stretch.

Speaking of games, really been enjoying Oracle of Seasons. I had played this a long time ago, but recently got back into it. You don’t realize how much of your memory you gain back when you start playing these things again. I realized I still had the first 3 dungeons memorized. Fastest I’ve ever gone through those. Really satisfying to play. I often gravitate towards retro games from when I was a kid. Graphics? Meh. I don’t know why, but pixel art really stands out to me and looks more beautiful than something with “better” graphics.

Well, I guess I better get on with this day. ❤ XOXO and all that 🙂

Preface?

So a little warning about this place.  It will be full of ill formed thoughts, opinions, grammatical and spelling errors, rants, trigger words, etc.  Why would anyone want to read this?  Not sure, but I need a place for my mind.  A brain dump, a place where I can let myself be who I am.  Hopefully share experiences with others.  I am someone some of you know.  Some of you know who I am, some don’t.  Sorry about that.  I will tell the world in time but bc of my job and possible backlash, I have to keep it to myself for now.

Lots of things have changed since I moved closer to my original home.  Lost a parent, started a youtube channel, twitch channel and podcast.  I decided to love myself and try to fix my issues I’ve ignored.

Losing mom was strange.  We never really had that close of a relationship.  Yet I was VERY sad for a long time.  Took going to therapy to realize it was sadness from never having the supportive mother I wanted or needed.  If I came out to her while she was still alive, she would not be supportive.  The yelling would begin, arguments, etc.  She was very strong willed and didn’t take her own criticism well.  I’ve inherited these traits in some degrees, but have learned to cope with and attempt to account for them.  Some days are easier than others.  My medicine is surprisingly helping.   Been on hormone therapy for a little over a month.  Had plenty of mood swings.  The moods are no longer JUST anger though.  I actually feel a gamut of emotions and its very strange/different.  Side effect though, I’ve been tired a lot lately.  Its slowly getting better.

I have since given up on the youtube as its not something I want to do.  I love streaming though and will continue to do so.  I have really started working on my music more than I have in years.  Have some good gems out there.  I could be doing more, much more.  It’s hard to get the motivation sometimes, especially with being constantly tired.

I have been so tired that I have not been very motivated at work.  Not good.  I get my work done as assigned.  I could do more, but usually don’t.  I really need to work on my career goals.  I need to get my certifications for IT stuff so that I can change jobs.  As much as I love the pay and the job, I can’t continue here.  They would not be ok with my gender issues.  And this is a very conservative area with no legal protections for transgender individuals.  I am hopping the local university will be a bit more open to that as they have several groups that are supportive.  And the university supports those in some way as well.  I have read on some documents that they do not discriminate for gender identity.  So at least there I would have protections due to company policy.

Living here though, still poses a challenge.  It can be dangerous to go some places dressed as the gender I identify as.  I could get beat up, murdered, etc.  My wife worries about me.  I’ve thought about getting a self defense weapon or taking classes.  How I’ve dealt with it so far though, is trying to be with a group of people or go places that are ok with me (as few of those exist here).

That’s a quick summary of where I’m at and what I am doing.  The journey will be hard.  Not only for me, but for those close to me.  I often feel like a burden to them.  But I have to live as the person I am.  I can not stand to be depressed anymore.  The anxiety is overwhelming.  I hate how I look in the mirror as a male.  I have not experienced more happiness consistently than I have now.  I am female.  I’ve known it and lied to myself because I did not want to upset others.  I can not and will not continue this anymore.