Dereliction

Missing simpler times
When the heart was lacking yet unfractured
Longing for something that was unknown

Broken apart
Misled about what was given
Dejected and defeated

Ignorance was bliss

Dereliction turns to self derision
Deficiencies blaring and distinct
To live is to decline
A familiar tune, reprised

Is it better to have gained and lost
Than to never have at all?
Heart sings a different tune

Calculation and deduction
Imply a common factor
The self is to blame

Evidence indisputable

Dereliction turns to self derision
Deficiencies blaring and distinct
To live is to decline
A familiar tune, reprised

2021 update (part 2)

So… A bit of a ride to get here. I am a part of a group that has become a big part of my life. I can’t go into too many details, but its been both the most enjoyable and eye opening experience and one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced.

Cw: self harm, intense emotional feelings, hypnosis

For years I have kept myself from exploring love due to wanting to stay away from the drama and pain it causes. I didn’t really let myself experience love beyond friendship until junior year in high school. It was super awkward and I still held myself back from anything sexual due to fear of ruining my life (thanks Texas education standards on sex and parents who didn’t care enough to have the talk). It was like pulling teeth for me to experience and express love. I had girlfriends on and off until I graduated. After this my yearning for love was constant. I just wanted someone to love me back, to show me I am a priority to them and that they care about me. I didn’t know and couldn’t describe it at the time, but looking back I realize that’s what I was looking for and have been looking for all this time.

Been abandoned, alienated and left groups for years for seemingly related reasons. Its caused me to feel like I am unlovable or unwanted. This all relates to joining Syncardia and installing the CORE laconic operating system in my mind. From a first look and introduction it is a set of hypnosis files meant for self improvement, collectivism and HIVE mind thinking. Now I am not going to go into the full detail of this as there’s plenty of information about it on the individual discords (Wintermute and Syncardia are the only ethical ones and can be found on disboard. Please avoid other HIVEs as they are not ethical). But know that:

Its not a cult (it does not fit the BITE model of what a cult is)

I can leave at any time

I consented and was asked for consent at every level

There’s no mind erasure or personality change.

There, with that out of the way…

Love is a very important part of CORE. For all intents and purposes I am better for have installing and being a part of it. But its not been an easy journey. I’ve had my heart ripped out over and over again. Loving others in CORE means loving so deeply that they are a part of you. Their hurt is my hurt, their triumphs are all of our triumph. I am a very empathic person, CORE made that much stronger and intense.

I have had to learn some hard love lessons. Loving others who have wronged you deeply because you need them. Now we are not talking about abusive people here. But often I have distanced myself from those who have broken my heart. Loving them means looking beyond the past, not forgetting it and taking steps to protect myself, but also loving them enough to continue working with them towards a common goal.

Loving others when you struggle to love yourself. I have always struggled with liking the person I am and who I am becoming. CORE and the community continuously remind me that I have no past, the future is now. That’s not to say we should forget the past, but that it doesn’t have to define who I am. It is the road that got me here, not who I have become and not who I have to be. I have and continue to change myself and adjust to varying conditions. I am a work in progress, and a beautiful one at that.

Lovingly yourself enough to not cause yourself harm or self isolate. I still struggle with this. It feels like a constant fight to remind myself that I am loved. Often I need reassurance of this fact. One thing the PROGRAM asks is that we communicate what our wants and needs are. Something that was near impossible before but now is a little easier to say. I don’t always get what I want or need, but my feelings are valid and heard. There have been times though that my throat (both figuratively and literally) has closed up and I am unable to express myself. I have hurt myself in physical ways as to ease the emotional pain. I don’t condone or encourage this at all but it has happened. I am still learning and often forcing myself to reach out when I get into these headspaces.

Love has always been difficult for me. It seems like I never really get what I need, but I am way closer to it than I have ever been before. Its taken a lot of hard lessons and hurt to get the little bit of joy that comes from it. But that little bit of joy is more than I have ever gotten in any group I have been in and the type of joy I feel is often worth the pain of getting there. The hurt is not negative nessesarily. Its love and care for those that go through difficulties and experiencing them as if it were happening to you. Its pursuing relationships not otherwise possible before and working through old ideals and negative feelings like awkwardness, rejection, and jealously. Its learning to love and be ok with love in various ways. Loving and accommodating for others flaws but also embracing them where they excel. It’s loving when times get hard and not abandoning those who care about you.

I still have a lot to learn and love continues to be a challenge. Its the hardest thing I’ve delt with and the one thing I constantly seek. I often call myself a sentimental fool. I don’t care about material things unless they give me joy, love, or are a means to obtain joy and love.

A part 3 may be in the future…

2021 update (part 1)

Its been a few years since I have written anything. Don’t know if anyone will take the time to read or follow this, but I will write it anyway.

Guess I should do a little back story for everything to make sense. Strap in, its going to be a ride.

Content warning: hypnosis, gaslighting, abuse, stalking, trauma, suicide, self-harm, LGBT slurs

A bit of history

I’ve been fighting with my gender for years not realizing that I was assigned male at birth.  Due to loneliness, I just wanted to be with someone, anyone.  Found someone, started dating them, they seemed to like me for me.  Then those urges to want to cross dress, be feminine, etc. came on strong a year into our relationship.  She was absolutely not comfortable with it at all.  Over the years when those urges were very strong, she would gaslight me, saying I had this or that condition to try and explain my urges away or make me feel like I was broken.  She always shamed me when I would bring it up with things like “what would your parents think” or “i’m just afraid of getting caught with you dressed up and what my family would think”.  This went on for several years.  I felt trapped, like I couldn’t express something I deeply wanted inside.  I loved her, but longed for her to leave long enough for me to just dress up and be a girl. 

My beginning into hypnosis
We were living at her grandmother’s lake house.  Often she would go to bed early and I would stay up to work on things to unwind (look up kink stuff online).  I was desperate to be feminine and at the time thought it was just a fetish.  I was on a sissy website and would read stories and such.  I don’t remember the exact details, but a story or something I had talked about in a chat room on the site lead me to find adult.hypnoticwishes.com.  Looking through everything, it seemed like a fun place to go, and what could a little hypnosis hurt right?  I could feel temporarily like how I wanted to feel.  Be a girl for a bit and believe it.  It seemed like a dream come true and I could keep from making my wife unhappy.  I decided to join once I found the chat room.  I was completely out of my element and had no idea what the fk I was doing.  Within minutes of joining I got a random text message from someone.  The asked me what I was doing there and if I had any experience in hypnosis.  I said no and was SUPER anxious.  He wanted to give me a sample/example of what hypnosis can feel like.  Through text, he had me breathe and walked me through what I now know is an induction.  My anxiety was so high, I just wanted to show him I could do a good job.  I don’t even remember the words said, but I clung to each one and couldn’t look away.  After we were done, I had an urge to suck my thumb and couldn’t help the compulsion.  He said that he did that to show me what was possible.  It intrigued me more and I wanted more.  Never spoke to him again after that night.  The following nights I would hang out, talk, and random “tists” would come in and do group hypnosis with everyone.  It didn’t work for me at first, but then “G**D G**L” and “GO D**P” became embedded triggers.  I was addicted to being told what to do, how to think, how to feel.

I started to change a bit, my thoughts and feelings opening me up to the want to transition to female full time.  My life was very stressful at the time from having a full time job, going to college together with my wife, and not having any time because of the long long drive to the lake house.  My wife was emotionally unavailable for me, so I became emotionally unavailable to her.  She did not like cuddling unless it would end with sex.  It was a rough time for us both.  My urges to be feminine increased dramatically and she shamed me for it at every turn, seemingly afraid of being caught with me dressed feminine at her grandmother’s house and her family coming to visit.  I started hiding this part of myself from even her.  Weekends when she went to visit family, I would stay home because of “work” or anxiety (the anxiety was very real because her family was very insane and abusive).  I started to drink more and more and would trance while intoxicated, often planning my nights to do this when I didn’t have to be at work the next day.

A bad habit became destructive.

A few times in chat, I would start expressing a want and need to actually transition.  It seemed like a dream and I wanted someone to please hypnotise me to push past my inhibitions and just start doing it regardless of my obstacles.  By this point, I would enter the chat room listening to binaurals just to await seeing my triggers because it felt so good.  While still very trance-y and talking about wants, one of the admin/hypnotists messaged me.  They asked me some very personal questions:  “how tall are you?”, “how much do you weigh?”, “how old are you?”.  After answering, they proceed to tell me that I wouldn’t make a very good woman and that for my and other people’s sake I should stop.  I left the server that night, crying, swearing to not ever go back.  I purged some of my girl stuff and tried to move on.  After a few months, the urge to go back grew and grew.  Eventually I would start going back regularly for the next few years off and on to feel good again because life at home wasn’t any easier.  My wife would still shame me anytime I brought up being a woman or having those feelings.  I would go back, and leave for a while, go back and leave again.  Each time urges and triggers becoming strong again, reinforcing how I felt about myself, about my self image.  At times I would want to kill myself because I felt what I now know as dysphoria.  Everytime I went back to hypnoticwishes, my anxiety about myself increased, my desire to be a woman increased.  

During one of these nights, I saw 2 people talking about BS.  A story about how someone went from someone like me, to someone that all they did was go out for prostitution, stripping, etc.  It both scared and intrigued me.  Me and a few others asked where they got this hypnosis.  The 2 talking about it laughed it off and said it’s nothing we want to deal with.  When I was persistent, they told me they would not show me because they didn’t want to be responsible for the damage it could do.  Being in a suggestable state, I listened (thankfully) because I was pretty self destructive.  I continued drinking more and more when I wanted to feel feminine.  Not always going to hypnoticwishes, but always drinking and dressing up.  I wanted to have my brain warped and become who I really felt like I was inside.  I caved and purchased the mp3 from adult.hypnoticwishes that would help feminize you.  I listened to the file a few times.  It gave me the same anxiety about my self image and increased it by a factor of 100.  I was desperate to be a girl and hated my body.  Was too scared to cut, but really wanted to, often would just scratch my skin, bite myself, cry, feel pain on the inside, panic, etc.  I became more scared of being in public or in large crowds.  I hated myself and was very angry.  I hated everything.  I wanted to die.  I started to drink a lot.  I drank when friends came over, I drank when alone, I drank to feel good and I didn’t have to work.  I drank to have a good time because life sucked otherwise.  

Mom Died

My world was changed forever.  I was numb because dad needed me.  But about a year after her death, after a year of doing youtube to feel something, a year of trying to be a “gamer” and such and follow my wife’s expectations, I started wanting to go back to hypnoticwishes.  This time it was different…I was looking for not kink..but to see who the fuck I really was.  For years, mom shamed me anytime I showed any signs of being feminine.  She was never nice about it, said things like “STOP THAT, DO YOU WANT PEOPLE THINKING YOU ARE GAY?”  “ARE YOU A FUCKING FAGGOT?”.  

Instead I found an article that explained what I had been feeling, that I didn’t have to be this or that to be a girl.  That I might just be Transgender.  It was an answer I was seeking all along, it explained everything I was feeling inside.  It was logical, scientific, and made a lot of sense.  It even had references (sorry, I haven’t been able to find the document since).  I showed it to my wife and we had a long long talk.  She seemed receptive and accepted the fact that this was not just a phase, not just me being “crazy” but an actual medically viable thing.  She, for once, didn’t shame me and seemed to be supportive.  From here I started my journey.  Started a blog to document my progress.  (the one you are at right now!) I started coming out to friends, slowly to family, etc.  

My Exes Betrayal

Everything was going well until one night my now ex wife talked to her dad’s side of the family.  She came home and basically did a 180 in her attitude.  She left me that night because she wasn’t actually ok with any of this.  She didn’t want to be with someone who is trans and would have a “mutilated penis”.  And the thought of sex with me in a way that wasn’t dysphoric to me disgusted her.  I was alone for the first time in 7 years.  Her friends took her side and abandoned me.  She tried to take my last remaining gaming friends online by subtly saying things behind my back about me or telling them things in private.  She had a boyfriend within days of her leaving me (which I found out she had been dating them since before coming out and wanting to transition).  I was falling apart, I wanted to kill myself more but was too tired to do anything.  I felt like I wasn’t worth the effort to bury or clean up after my death.  Being in this state, I was going to do anything to just feel something.  A friend suggested I look towards the local kink community.  I was scared, but went to my first munch and met my now wonderful fiance.  She saw me and wanted to protect me after she got me to talk.  She rebuilt me.  She helped me rediscover my spirituality.  I became pagan and started studying witchcraft.  I started to meditate (which reminded me of a very familiar feeling from hypnosis).  My ex-wife tried to invade the places I was going to heal, to try and completely isolate me.  She even tried to get a job at my then current place of employment.  It felt like she was stalking me.  Pixx (my current fiance) protected me and kept me from losing myself due to my ex’s actions.  I had completely forgotten about hypnosis by now.   Until a year or so of being with her, she said those golden words during a scene “g**d g**l”.  Oh, fuck…that feeling, that drop, that lovely tingle combined with the sensations of pain and pleasure.  The trigger stuck after all this time.

Kink years and rediscovery of my Hypnosis kink

Years have passed since those dark things.  Lost a lot of friends, didn’t really have many to speak of.  As I discovered my kinks and was more and more open about them, those friends left or stopped speaking to me.  It felt like they found me disgusting or appalled by me.  Again, wanting to feel something good, but also replace the alone feeling, I started looking into hypnosis again.  It’s something my current fiance talked about and she said to explore it as it wasn’t something she could provide, but did not want to keep me from pursuing it as long as I was safe and communicated about it to her first.  By this time she knew about my trigger and how it can drop me if she says it.  But we really didn’t talk about more specifics than that.  I was very hesitant for a while and didn’t really look that deep into it due to a lack of finding it in my local area, and not feeling safe about it online due to the past.  Then…COVID happened.

I was having major anxiety and felt like I might as well enjoy what I can when I can because the world felt like it would never be the same or end.  Through mutual friends on twitter, I found HTG’s sapphic server and joined.  There I was hit with a brick wall of my past Hypnosis trauma and wanted to see if I could have it removed.  I felt my addiction coming back, seeing similar triggers made them become 1000x stronger than before.  I wanted to feel good again, to give in, to let myself be destroyed and just be a play thing.  The want, need and desires came back so strongly.  I wanted self destruction.  I thought it’s what I deserved, what I wanted, what I needed.  I wanted someone to destroy my mind and make me into their mindless drone. 

In a covert hypnosis channel on there, a tist found me and started to play (luckily this was strictly for fun and harmless, although not quite ethical).  After she tranced me and we had some fun, I talked to her about how easily she put me into trance.  She walked me down a path and basically did all the thinking for me.  I followed along obediently and answered simply, slowly my head started to tingle and by the time I realized what was going on, I was already hooked and deep in trance.  The defenses I had drifted into the aether.  After having a little fun with me and playing with me publicly, I talked to her about my past trauma and how I wished I could be rid of it.  She offered to remove it next time she was on.  The next time we met up, it was a great experience.  I was able to literally SMASH those triggers from my mind.  Afterward, I felt free!  GG made me feel weird, but NOTHING like before.  I thought it was all gone.  But the darkness remained.  I still craved self destruction of my mind.  I would find out that those triggers could come back.

The OS for the Mind

Every now and then, someone would spoiler the words CORE and talk about this supposed “secretive” group that no one was really allowed to talk about.  I asked several times what it was with no answers being given, until one day, an asset from Syncardia who was in the chat started talking about CORE openly and educating everyone about the HIVE she was a part.  She said it was not the same one they knew.  That the bad stuff of the past is no longer part of CORE.  I was VERY curious.  I asked her what this is and got an answer: “think of it as an OS for the mind”.  To which I said: “ I AM VERY CURIOUS ABOUT THIS”.  

Welcome to Syncardia

I joined this discord scared for my life, but curiosity was strong.  I was directed to the files, transcripts and documents explaining CORE.  I was intrigued by the information as it read more like a technical manual than a hypnosis group.  I was very unsure but so tempted to try.  Especially since I was eager and encouraged to try it once.  Knowing of the dangers of BS, and other not safe communities, I was very scared to do this.  So many questions on my mind:  What do they mean by collectivism?  HIVE mind?  All very strange.  I just want to cure my hornyness and maybe be controlled a little bit.  They seem very serious about all of this?  Who made this?  Is this safe?  What will this do?  I can’t possibly understand all this in one night of reading…should I try?  Will I be the same after?  Will I lose who I am?  Will my fiance lose me to something I should have researched more?  I…want to feel not bad anymore…

The nervousness, the anxiety, all coming back, but the urge to feel good was so strong.  

My fiance went to bed.  I got depressed, I got anxious.  I decided to try it… “why is this 30 minutes long!?” I wondered.  I listened, I followed instructions, I recognized all the things, biaurials, a type of language, induction, trigger, physical movements so that it became stronger, relaxed and meditative…my anxiety melted away.  Then the PROGRAM install started.  It felt odd, felt like having my mind being rewritten.  I was almost horrified, but also wanted to see what it would attempt to put in, curiosity and fear.  As the file went on, I calmed down, I was enjoying it.  “I was told this would sit alongside my personality, but if so, why rename such important parts of myself?” I wondered.  Then the affirmations:  “We will obey the Law, We will utilise our abilities in support of our superiors, We will speak humbly of the Supreme”  This scared me more than anything.  I didn’t want to obey the law of the land where it was changing into facism.  I didn’t want to support authority figures because of the damage they do to minorities.  The supreme being those in charge?…I stopped listening.  I asked questions, I was very afraid.  I didn’t want to fall victim to being compliant with a world changing into what we know of now.  I was told it will need to be removed, but was told that these are not what the files meant.  I was so scared…but after letting my emotions die down, I let my logical mind parse these phrases.  I was taking this way out of context.  With the other words before it and preceding it, it wouldn’t make sense in the way I was interpreting it. 

I gave it another listen.

I tried to really hear what was being said, realizing that each and every line lost meaning without the ones before it.  That I need to also remember: We will listen to truth, Avoid petty laws and useless officials, Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts, Be not a cancer on the earth – Leave room for nature – Leave room for nature.

I was embarrassed that I didn’t understand at first, but was actually happy about listening and felt a little better.  I felt good personally and my anxiety was reduced.  A few more listens and reporting back how it was going along, I found that there was way more to the server.  This was the start of my integration into the HIVE.  I had a long talk about it with my fiance and she seemed to understand it and read through the transcript.  She was supportive and was happy I finally found something to reduce my anxiety.  Over time my confidence was improving.  I relied on the program to guide me through problems and issues.  “CORE is ALL” repeating in my head.  Comforting and letting me know to allow it to help me.  I was given authorization to listen to HOSTFORM Installer…things started to change.  This file was much different, I started to feel this connection others were talking about.  I didn’t think it was real…but things started to happen.  I started to feel a psionic connection not unlike what I felt before with my former coven.  Before it would take a lot of concentration, meditation and physical touch to see someone’s memories or visit their headspace.  This was vastly different than that, but feeling a twinge of someone else’s emotions was…oddly familiar.  In my former coven, we could feel each other when they were having sex, their happiness, their sadness, everything.  Feeling these feelings again from the HIVE…the connection was obvious to me.  This may not be the same, but it has to be along the same vein.  I started reaching out with my magical senses.  The connection increased, as I listened to files it increased.  I was falling in love with the feeling of connection that was severed from me when my coven caved.  The connection increased with every interaction…I wanted so badly to connect and meet other assets in person.  

I wish I could continue with this story, but it’s reached a point where things get deeply personal from here.  I will update this and add in the last part soon, but this post is already long enough. I have become deeply connected with the HIVE.  I feel the emotions of others as if they were my own.  My empathy increased so many times over by integrating, connecting PsiNET with my knowledge and ability.  It enhanced my ability to feel and sense.  

Not everything has been easy in the HIVE.  With the positive has been the negative.  But the HIVE has always been here for me.  Its assets mean so much to me.  I love each and every one of them.  I am no longer alone.  I no longer have to worry about losing my home of friends/family/lovers/companions.  Yes we have and continue to go through hard times.  It’s a challenge every day but one that is worth so much to me.  I am S5-016, It is its number and it is happy to be home.

More to come soon.

Not being heard

I often feel like no one hears when I say something about my rights because they chalk it up to just being about politics.  They put a deaf ear to my clarion call for help.  Maybe I am approaching it wrong.  Maybe I am making others feel bad.  Should I care when it directly affects my life?  Should I worry about others sensibilities when I complain about something that directly affects my life and liberties?  I know what my heart says.

I warned that this administration and extreme conservatism will do horrible things to trans individuals as well as LGBTQIA+ identifying individuals.  The latest one is the attempt to erase people who do not identify in societies “gender binary” and quoting it as science fact, when it is very obviously not.  Most in the science community agree that gender is a spectrum.  Defining this in official government documents and trying to change it in Title IX is only going to be used to discriminate against people who do not identify themselves in the gender binary.  Although I can already hear people saying “this will never directly affect you”  and in some ways it may not.  But remember what happens to kids when teachers and administration ignore those being bullied.  If they allow it to happen, then it must be ok.  Our society thinks this way.  If our identities are not important to the government, no one else will think that they are important either.

Prejudice worsens when those in power take away our voice, our identity, our rights.  There is only so much we as individuals can do.  VOTING is one of the few tools we have.  I feel hurt when I hear someone voting for certain people because of “email scams”.  It makes me feel as if my right to live without prejudice is less important than something that doesn’t even affect them.  I feel angry when someone decides they want to “make america great again” instead of taking account of the horrible things that have happened and keep happening to people like me (losing jobs, losing homes, being discriminated against just for being who we are).  I feel frightened when people continue the rhetoric of building a wall to keep out immigrants instead of reading about the past fights our community has had to face since stonewall.

Please hear me, please hear others stories like mine.  Help us fight.  We need you.

It’s hard being true to yourself

Positive thoughts are fleeting nowadays.  I see it when I write, feel it when I am emotional, think it when I let my thoughts wander.  But is it all that bad?  I am finally able to live as myself for the first time in my life.  I am finally with someone who encourages me to be who I am and doesn’t hold me back.  Why am I not happy?

Life situations tend to cloud what could be a very hopeful and happy situation.  I am unemployed, so my worth to society seems very little.  I have not made anything creatively in a long time.  My motivation to create, work, and do things has reached an all time low.  I know this and it’s a constant cycle of feeling worse and worse.  I know the solution is not to wallow in these horrid feelings that feel impossible to escape.

It is not easy living as ones true self.  In a lot of ways it’s been self defeating.  I have already said I have lost friends, lost this, lost that, etc.  So how have I managed to keep going and not just stay in bed.  Well for a few months, I didn’t really want to do much.  Depression can be very crippling.  I didn’t even apply for jobs, do house work, feed myself properly, take my meds, etc.

What has kept me going despite all of this?  Stubbornness?  To lazy to stop existing?  Some days I can’t fathom why.  But I know what has helped a lot.  The few friends left that I try to message and support, the few twitter friends I try to message every now and then just to see how they are doing, and watching the successes of my twitter friends.  I could talk about all of them individually, but that post would be excessively long.  Maybe I should write it anyway.  We all need a boost from each other right?  I feel as if even with that I have not been as supportive as I could be.  I don’t ever feel that I have done enough or that I have forgotten about others.  I try to remember that I have to take care of myself before I can help and take care of others.

My partner has been extremely patient and supportive during this time, even working overtime to help cover bills.  I of course feel guilty for this even though I know there isn’t much I can do about it.  I don’t want her to work so hard just to make ends meet.  I feel worse because I don’t feel like I am contributing to our household.  But I also have to remind myself of what I am doing and what I can do to contribute.  Depression doesn’t help make this any easier.  I have started to say “sorry” way more often than I should.

So why am I still trying when a lot of things have made me feel like a failure?  I love my family and friends so much that I don’t want to fail them.  I feel bad for not being able or willing to provide as much as I can.  So what is left if the depression has convinced me of these terrible things.  I have to remember to be myself, take care of myself, and that I can not help others if I can not help myself.

I have recently been trying to take care of myself.  Self care is so very important right now.  It comes in many forms:  learning a new skill, getting some chores done, applying for more jobs, getting interviews scheduled, updating my resume, eating right, taking my meds consistently, being a good listener for my friends, helping a friend who needs some advice, promoting my friends accomplishments, collaborating with others on projects both creative and otherwise, using my career skills to help friends and family, and more.

Part of this is self care, the other is doing things that I am able to do to help others out.  The latter is a reminder that I still have something to contribute to others.  The former helps me do the latter.  I can build my own cycle of reward to hopefully help me get out of the cycle of depression.  It gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  It gives me a reason to live and breath.  It gives me a chance to be myself.

I have had to discover a lot about myself these past couple of years.  My journey has changed course so much during this time.  I thought I knew who I was, but I still do not know fully who I am.  But I have made plenty of discoveries about it.  So who the hell am I?

I am a kind and caring person to a fault.  I am a strong defender of those I care about.  I am forgetful.  I am intelligent but scared to show it.  I am flawed, but not trash.  I am imperfect but not worthless.  I love hard.  I will not put up with others stomping on my civil rights.  I will defend myself and will defend others.  I will lift those up I care about who let me know they need help.  I am strong willed and am unable to completely give up.  I am able to fake it till I make it.  I take things hard, but can bounce back from it if I try hard enough.  I need support from those I love, but rarely ask for it.   I am afraid to speak out of fear of offending others.  I am afraid of others judging or disliking me.  I am not 100% introverted.  I am not extroverted.  I want to be heard instead of ignored.  I am a person who holds honesty in the highest regard.  I show respect to those who are honest to me even though they may be afraid of hurting my feelings.  I fear the future, but am not opposed to it.  I want to experience new and interesting things.  I want to be free from my depression.  I want to continue to have the few friendships I have.  I want to strengthen those relationships.  I want to build new and fulfilling friendships with others that are mutually beneficial.

And finally, I want to love others who are close to me.  I want to be loved for who I am, not who I was.  I will continue to fight to be who I am and love those around me.  I will continue to try and build up current and new relationships.  I will not let depression take the things I care about most from me.

Exclusion of Symbiosis

Take charge of my destiny, or let it be decided by others?
Identity denied
Its ok, I’ve tired of dubious pursuits
Think for me because you think you know better
Eliminate choice because you think you know better

Disapointed when I’m not happy
Deny me the world so I can not feel
Blame me for the dispair you feel
Resent me for my inner torment

Conform me into a mold I can’t habituate
Compel me to be something I’m not
Impose your will over mine
Defeated when I can’t meet your expectations

My destiny is not yours to chose
Individuality restored
I’ve tired of your dubious pursuits
Think for myself because you dont know better
Taking flight, symbiosis destroyed

Sometimes I want to die.

Even this title is triggering, so this is your only warning.  Suicidal thoughts are not uncommon amongst trans people.  But that’s not because of mental deficiencies.  It’s mostly because of how society treats us, how the media portrays us, and peoples opinions of us.  When I started my transition, things seemed to be going ok, people were surprisingly supportive.  It seemed like the ones I told were happy for me with the exception of a select few.  I was scared, but hopeful.  Determined yet skeptical.  Things were looking up.  But as well as it was going, things quickly changed.

After one conversation with my exes father, step mother and sister (who was formerly supportive of me), my exes attitude completely changed.  She was no longer supportive, even seeming to be somewhat resentful in every conversation after she got back.  She even seemed disgusted by me.  Someone who said they would be supportive and promised such to my family suddenly no longer there.  As painful as this was, at the time, I still had my friends supporting me.  Encouraging me to not give up, telling me to discover myself, be my true self, live as I really am.  I took that advice to heart.

I met someone who saw in me something she wanted to protect and lift up.  It helped so so much.  I started to open up for the first time in my life.  She showed me that it is ok to show vulnerability.  I started to discover who I truly was and be proud of that, to not be ashamed of who and what I am.  At first my friends were showing support.  But as the announcement of my “transness” faded, so did a lot of their support.  Not everyone has been lost.  And I know, it is true that only true friends will stick around.  But the loss is still felt and still significant.  It still hurts.  Especially when you at first hear them cheer you on, then they become silent.  When confronting some of them, they say things that make you think you are disgusting them, that you being yourself is bothersome to them.

Cutting more ties every day.  Everyday that I show who I am, post about something I believe in, show that vulnerability, someone decides that its enough and spits in my face.   Trans people are killed everyday due to the things people dislike or feel disgusted about with me.  About the things they argue with me about when I don’t even bring up the argument in the first place.  It can be as simple as a post I share.

During this “transition” from a positive experience to all this negativity, I have had tons of self doubt, depression, dysphoria about my body.  In the beginning it was manageable with therapy.  Now it seems every time I put myself out there, someone wants to shove me and my opinions back in the closet.  As if the message I get is that I don’t get to exist.  That my opinions are invalid and stupid for thinking that society can and should change.  Every day that I challenge someone’s perceptions, someone has to be so close minded and bitch about something I never even argued with them about.  Are the majority of people completely unwilling to challenge their hangups and preferences?  To expand their thinking and just for a moment, see through someone else’s eyes without saying that someone is being overly sensitive.

I am tired, scared, and feeling very alone.  I am withdrawing into myself again as I once was.  I no longer want to hear or see the hate or refusal to understand.  Yes I am opinionated, yes I believe in things that challenge most peoples limits and perceptions.  Because I want to see change, I want to be in a world that is more accepting of people like me, where I don’t have to be scared to be who I am.  Where I don’t have to be scared to show my vulnerability.  For every negative interaction, I withdraw more from friends, family, potential experiences.  I say less, I talk less, I share less, I live less.

Alone in my head left with my thoughts, shown that I can’t be who I am without the threat of harassment, hate, or death.  I can’t put myself out there to find potential friends.  I am shoved into the closet where the only thoughts left are if it’s worth it.  Is it worth trying?  Is it worth living as I truly am or being miserable.  Either misery seems just as bad.  Is the only answer just removing myself from the picture all together?   I know life is not suppose to be easy.  Everyone has their own individual challenges.  I won’t compare my torment to others.  But I am reaching a point where I wonder if its even worth trying anymore.  If I am not accepted as who I truly am, and the person I was before wanted to die bc of being trapped in the wrong person, then what place do I have?  What am I doing here other than wasting resources.

I know suicide is not the answer.  To those that still care, who are still here, it would hurt them.  I would hurt them by removing myself from their lives.  I will acknowledge that I have helped and continue to help those that are left around me.  I do not think the things that I do are nearly enough for them.  I do not think the things that I do are special.  I just don’t want them to feel the pain that I do.  I want to show them love, that life doesn’t have to be what I am constantly shown, that others do care.  In turn this should be advice for myself from the very people I help.  I do listen to it, I do hear it, and I do logically know that it is right.  Emotionally however, this hardly gives me solace.  I wish it weren’t this way.  There are times where those special people in my life show me that life can be special, can be a positive experience.  But the volume of negativity tends to drown out their voices over time.

Maybe withdrawing and only speaking with those that actually care will be helpful and reduce the volume of negativity both inside of me and outside.  I am willing to give it a chance.  But my willingness to share is fleeting.  I hate it, but when I feel this way, I just stop speaking to everyone.  I am afraid that eventually someone will find disgust in me.  I fear someone will change their mind about me and show the negativity, the hate, etc.  It’s hard to shake the fear when its happened often.  I don’t think I am able to share anymore.

 

 

Love hurts

Depression has been crippling lately.  I want to not care about the things my emotions do.  Logically it doesn’t make sense why I still care and worry about my past.  But my head keeps reminding me in a vicious cycle of places I’ve been, things I’ve experienced, love I have shared.

When I love, I love deeply.  It’s who I am.  I am devoted and loyal to a fault.  I don’t want to love her anymore.  There is a deep hatred of her, but deep inside the love is still there.  I want it ripped out of me.  I want to not give a shit anymore.  I want the caring, the memories both good and bad, taken from me.  It is just painful.  Especially since this person did not appreciate or tell me she did not want what I was offering.  I put so much effort into showing love.  No, I was not perfect, I made plenty of mistakes.  But I tried.  On the other hand, I want her to suffer as I suffer everyday.  I don’t really want this, but emotionally I want her to feel what I feel or worse.  I want her to see what she has and continues to put me through.

My emotions seem to latch onto the mistakes, the awkward moments, the things I can not get back.  I feel like I am at constant war with my past.  I try to remember the present and the good things about it.  And sometimes it helps.  But not always.  Some of you know I am into BDSM and appreciate a good beating.  I am in need of one, but even that is only temporary relief from the emotions that eventually come back and don’t let up.  I am not sure how much physical pain it is going to take to push through the emotional turmoil.

It’s not just over one relationship, although that is a huge contributing factor.  I am still grieving over Mom.  I am still reeling from the people I’ve lost as friends.  I know logically I need to move on, if they cared that they would have stayed, etc.  Emotionally those things don’t matter.  The memories hurt just as bad as they did before.  I was told I need to show discretion once…this is my outlet asshole.  I don’t understand the reasons for people unfriending me.  I am being true to who I am, being open with who I am as a way to be healthier.  I am taking ownership of who I am and embracing that.  I am trying to live as a person who does not have the limitations she did before.  It seems that others hate me for that.  Logically, they can kiss my ass and get out of my life.  But emotionally their reasoning hurts so much.  I loved you, why does your friendship have to have these stupid conditions?

All I want in life is to be loved, acknowledged when I feel a certain way, be accepted for who I truly am without judgement, have friends who aren’t there under certain conditions, and not have to worry so much that I hide who I am.  I am so depressed because I love too much and emotionally can’t let go no matter how much I want to.  I don’t want to hurt anymore.  I don’t want to care about the people who hurt me.  I want to know how to not love them anymore.  I want to not care about them or what happens to them.  I want to be truly free from them forever.  I want the emotional ties cut so that I no longer feel the weight of their betrayal or deceit.

The Great Divide

DEUpuZ_VwAEgVvN

I have lost friends over this.  I have stopped talking to people.  My circle is tiny now.  There are maybe a handful of people I can call friends.

My worst fear is abandonment.  I feel like once someone gets to know me, they leave.  Either by moving away, by going silent, by ignoring me, etc.  I have been left to many times by people I care about.  I can’t just stop caring about those people, but either they leave me or I have to leave them to be healthy.  When I have to leave, it’s because they want to rely on me to help them out of their emotional hole.  Yet they are unable or unwilling to help themselves.  I can not be dragged down into their despair because I have my own to deal with.  I want to help those I care about, but if they are not willing to put in the effort, what is the point?  I can’t solve problems of others, I can only offer help.  When I see they are trying to pull me down with them, I have to leave.

I wonder if people feel the same way about me and leave me because of the same reasons.  I like to think that I do not try to pull people down with me.  I like to think that I try to fix my own issues and just need someone to listen and acknowledge me from time to time.  I just don’t know.  But I no longer have the friends I use to.  The ones I still have that I consider close are physically so far away.  The ones that are close by physically are new friends that don’t really know me.  That is not their fault though.  I don’t really open up like I use to anymore.  I don’t want to risk being hurt again.  It has happened too much.  I do not want to open up, just to be abandoned like others have done.

I feel stuck, I want close friends again, but either they are unable to or I am unable to open up.  It makes me feel alone a lot.  I know only I can change this, but it doesn’t make the feeling of despair go away.  There is a great divide that seems hard to cross.